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When the in laws are never gone
Husband and I just got married in June 2011. His mother is older (77; 78 next january) and was living with him even when we started dating. So I knew from the beginning that she was part of the package. Should make it easier to deal with, right? I thought the transition would be smooth. Long story short- she drives me crazy. At 77 they don't start changing their ways. We both work from 4pm-12am and she is a talker. She wants to yak first thing in the morning when we get up. I understand she hasn't seen us- but neither one of us is a morning person or big talkers. We're not good small talkers. Also, she is somewhat of a hoarder- sentimental about everything. She's even sentimental for us and gets sad when she sees the most insignificant thing making it's way out the door. We live in a condo- so not a lot of space for all of the stuff that she won't let go of. It's supposed to be our house but her stuff covers almost every square inch of it. We're trying to get her to part with some of it but it is such an agonizing process. I feel like we're going to be perpetually trapped in a house with other people's things- hers first and then our (future) children.
So I went off on a tangent there. My real question is this: most people get to escape from their in laws and get a break. How to deal when they are in your life 24/7/365?
Re: When the in laws are never gone
Why do you guys live with her?
ETA: If your husband lives with her to take care of her, then you knew from the get-go that this was the deal. Did you talk about having private time as newlyweds, how often you'd both be with his mother, plans for the future, etc.?
If she needs care, then you should either look into some help so that you can live independently (a nurse, a retirement home) or talk about moving to a bigger place for the three of you so that you have some private space. But like PPs said, it's not exactly fair of you to just jump into this picture and then expect them both to change.
But if your husband's been living with her just because he can't cut the cord, and she doesn't need help to live an everyday life, then you need to decide if you can live this way for the rest of her life.
Either way, if she's reached this age and refuses to get a social life, then it's extremely unlikely that she'll start now. If she knows that your husband will always be there for her, then of course she's not going to step outside her comfort zone and try something new.
Can you rent a storage unit for many of her sentimental items that don't get daily use? Especially those outside her own room. Explain to her that they will be available and not thrown away, but clear out everything you can. If she wants something brought back, ask her which item she wants to put into storage to clear space for it.
Also, the reason she is so chatty might be that she is lonely. Does she go to an adult day care center or senior citizen's center? If not, can you arrange that for her?
This. She probably needs some interaction. I second the adult day care, or at least some kind of senior activities. Does you town have things like this?
Well, the house really belongs to all of you. Maybe not on paper, if her name isn't attached, but the thinking of "it's supposed to be our house" goes along with the mindset that she's really a moocher...when you say you knew she was already a) living there and b) part of the package. I think changing that little bit of thinking will make the rest of what you have to do much easier.
I'm curious how DH took care of her social needs prior to your moving in/getting married. If he worked the same hours, she'd be just as pouncy waiting for someone to talk to, right? Has something changed in that area? I think sending her away doesn't have to be the answer...around here there are senior citizen programs which, for a small fee, will actually send a little mini-bus out to collect those who are interested in joining in...everything from volunteer work to crafts/parties. Too, she could volunteer on her own instead of in a group...my grandmother, even up to her 80s, did volunteer things for Hospice and cancer groups (and went to card-games, etc. from the ladies she met there). If your MIL is starved for company, get her some.
For the hoarder...is she really a hoarder? I've seen true hoarders before and there is a difference between that and people who just collect clutter. If she's a true hoarder, you need to get her professional help immediately. If she's just less zen then you, LOL, have you tried a sit down talk? There are ways to negotiate less stuff...and of course you don't have to get sucked into it, either. Explain to her what is and isn't sentimental where you are concerned (if she's holding on to things for you or suggesting you hold onto things) and maybe perhaps suggest she take photographs of things to "have" and then let the real items go...only allowing her to keep things of value or true sentiment.
Is it possible to consider moving into some type of mother/daughter set up. Or some place larger?
She may need some more interaction during the day. There are various programs and agencies that should be able to help with that.
You moved in with the two of them. And now you're acting like it's his mother who is the interloper. Sorry; if you want to have your own house, that's not filled up with other people's stuff, you'll have to go get one of your own. Whether your dh comes with you is kind of up in the air; it sounds like he prefers his mother.
Why is she living with you/why did she live with him when you were dating? If it's health issues or that she cannot be on her own for safety issues, well I think you knew going into the relationship that that's how it would be. You can't really complain about it now.
If there isn't a real reason why she NEEDS to live with you guys, I would either suggest getting a bigger place or possibly finding a place with a detached apartment (above a garage or something) if she still wants to be close by but not in the same house as you guys. It also does seem like she may just want social interaction. Does she have any hobbies? Are there any groups or clubs nearby she could join? I don't know if she's into crafts/sewing, but at some craft stores around here, they have groups that meet once or twice a week to sew, knit, talk, whatever. I obviously don't know your MIL, so I have no idea if she'd even be into this, but I do think she needs more people than just you two to talk with, and it will benefit ALL of you if that happens.
It sounds like H's mother lives with you because she is too old to live by herself. My H and I are living with my grandmother (87 will be 88 in November). She honestly cannot live by herself, she had a stroke this past fall and had some brain damage. She is very forgetful, can't remember simple things and repeats herself all the time. Sometimes my grandma can be attached to things, that's just how older people are. If it's something silly that she's holding onto, like for example my grandma would want to hold onto clothes that had holes, tears or pants she had to hold up with safety pins, when she's napping (which my grandma does alot), just throw it away. She might ask about it a few times, but then she'll probably forget. Just tell her you haven't seen it or don't know what happened.
Living and taking care of her must be difficult, but not to be mean, she was living there when you two started dating and you knew she was going to be around when you got married. And it wouldn't be fair to make your H choose between you or his mom.
Some of the ladies had other good suggestions though. Is there a senior center she could get involved in around you? My grandma goes every Tuesday at 10 am, she plays bingo, eats lunch, gets to socialize, then comes home around 3 pm and naps till dinner. During that time, my H and I usually get some cleaning done and spend time together. They do offer bus trips to go to the zoo or casino or dancing.
I hope that the transition starts to get better
you escape from your ILs by not living with them......
honestly-if she likes to chit chat in the AM tell her flat out (nicely) that you aren't a morning person and will talk with her later.
there are storage facilites around. have her rent one on her dime and move the stuff crowding your house into one.