Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
How to deal with the death of a parent
This is kind of a spin-off of my last post. I think the biggest problem I have is not being able to come to terms with my father not being here. I was very very much a daddy's girl, and things still bother me about the day he died and the days leading up to them.
My father had coronary heart disease and knew for about 8-9 months before he died (at 47). I knew that he was very sick but I did not know the extent. I have always been mature and very aware of myself from an early age. He had very bad diabetes and had to inject insulin a few times a day. I changed his pus soaked pads from the sores on his legs daily. I made sure he ate right and always took his meds. I always always, from the time I started school, made sure I went into his room before I left for school and give him a kiss goodbye.
In FL I hated school, I would call him every.single.day. to pick me up, saying I was sick. He drove a truck for a company that sold car wash products to car deals and such. He would pick me up and I would drive around with him all day. It was the greatest thing to have that alone time with him. He knew I wasn't sick, I know this was his way of spending time with before he couldn't anymore.
Maybe a month or less before he died, we were watching tv together and he asked me how I would feel if he died. I started bawling out of control and told him I would be sad. He stopped talking about it and never mentioned anything else again. I suspect he was trying to tell me that he was going to die soon. At this point in my life, no one had ever died in my family. I knew what sick was but not death.
The day that he died I did not go in to his room before school and did not call him to pick me up. I came home around 5pm from school because of traffic and the bus stops. My mother was waiting for me at the bus stop with my younger brother and told me right there that my father had died that morning. I could not believe her. I thought she was lying. I ran home and didn't see him and hid in my room and cried.hard. I could not eat for weeks. I remember and still feel guilty about not saying good bye to him. I was mad at him for not telling me that he would be leaving me.
I know that I could never tell my daughter that I was dying, so I understand how hard it was for him, especially seeing how I reacted when he asked me how I would feel if he died. I am angry that I did not get enough time with him and my older brother did. I know this is something that I can not change and I am glad to have even known him.
He is buried very close to where I live, but I find myself going years before I visit his grave. For one, his name is not on the headstone, my late grandmother that died when my father was small, is. We went to his wake but not his funeral. He was cremated, I never saw anyone bury his ashes so to me, he's not in there. It doesn't make me feel any "closer" to him by visiting the cemetary, so I just talk to him when ever I want.
Over the years, its gotten "easier", but I have not gotten over it. I still cry about it and think about him every single day. I remember begging god, while I was pregnant, for my daughter to have crystal blue eyes like he did. Sadly she does not, but I didn't get my hopes up. Sometimes I still feel like he's on vacation somewhere and I will see him again.
I know everyone would suggest therapy, but at least 3 years of therapy and it has not gotten easier to deal with. I miss him every waking second I have and would give my arm to anyone who asked to spend 2 more minutes with him. Speaking to my older brother, who is very much like him, makes me feel a lot better. We talk about him, and remember old times, but still this doesn't make it easier.
Has anyone had the same experience? Does it get better? Do you ever get over it, or do you just come to terms with them not being here?
Re: How to deal with the death of a parent
I am sorry for your loss. Wow, 47 is way too young to die.:(
So was 41. That's how old my father was; he died when I was in 4th grade.
Are you religious or spiritual? if so, speak to your clergyperson or a clergyperson (it doesn't have to be one from your religious denomination). it could help.
I'm sorry to hear of your loss. Its hard to lose a parent as a child. No, I am not really religious. My father wasn't either. How have you handled things throughout the years?
I have an idea: why not make a photo montage of you and your dad and family over the years?
scan photos in and make them any size you want. glue them inside a poster frame; you'll have a nice keepsake and a great memory of your dad during happier times.:)
Yea, I know what you mean.
I would LOVE to do this but sadly I have no pictures with us together and have maybe 4 pictures of him altogether. :-(
I am so sorry for your loss. Something that has made me feel better about losing my dad and making sure my memory stays sharp in my mind was to buy a journal. I wrote everything I oculd think about him, the way he smelled, his favorite foods, his sayings etc. I also wrote every momeory I could about him. I kept it by the bed and for a while I carried it everywhere with me. At some point I stopped dragging it around and it turned from writing to reading it on occasion. I felt better knowing I had preserved him somehow. Now I will read a bit and smile, and sometimes I just write letters to him in it.
I hope you can find some peace somehow. I wish you the best.
This is a really good idea. I will ask my brother to do the same and I can put it into my book. Thanks!
First of all, I am so sorry for your loss. I know first hand how hard it is. I lost my mom almost 4 years ago (at only 50) & it still feels like yesterday. My mom raised me by herself so it was always just the two us. I still go to call her all the time & the sick reality sets in that she is gone.
My mom was also cremated & her ashes are buried next to my grandfather and my mom's twin (who died at 41!). I can understand what you mean about not feeling any closer to him at the cemetary. I wish there were words I could say to help you feel better but there aren't. I hate hearing it gets easier with time because for me it had gotten harder. The one thing that keeps me going is my 7 year old....she is the light of my life & I will do anything to be as good of a mother as mine was to me.
Hang in there & stay positive (((hugs)))
I lost my father when I was 12, he died suddenly in a car accident, he was 52. I think everyone deals with death differently. I was only 12 and I didn't understand why God took him from us. So my Mom took me to meet with our Priest and the three of us would talk about death and God and faith. That seemed to really help me.
Now that I'm 31, I still have strong faith? I feel my father is with me, in spirit. And that always comforts me.
I don't know that you ever forget the pain, but it does get easier. And there are days that are worse than others; Father's Day, Christmas, etc.