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I married the wrong person?
This is my first post here, but I don't know who else to talk to about this.
I grew up in a tiny town. My husband and I dated through high school, he joined the Army after graduation and proposed after boot camp. When I was younger I had this list of all the things I wanted in a husband, and when my husband proposed I decided that a bunch of the things on my list weren't that important and that I was being way too picky. So I said yes, we got married in a courthouse about 9 months ago. We've since moved to where his school is located. Most of the guys in his class are single, so I've become sort of a class mom to all of them. We have people over several times a week since I cook big dinners and then they study or play Call of Duty.
Here's my problem. One of the guys in his class is everything I've ever wanted. He has all the things on the list I kind of shrugged off as "not important." During my time being married those things have become more and more important. Don't get me wrong, my husband is a great guy. He is good to me. I'm content, but not really happy. I'm just not sure if that is enough now that I know what I'm missing. I feel like I settled because I didn't think someone who fit my criteria exactly even existed.
I have no clue what to do.
Re: I married the wrong person?
I might be alone in this thought, and might even get flamed for it, but here's my take:
A happy and healthy marriage isn't easy, it doesn't just happen. It isn't a once and done thing, either. It is a DAILY decision; it takes waking up every morning and deciding once again to give your all to your spouse. I don't know what was included in your vows, but I know mine included a promise to "forsake all others." I promised my husband, he promised me, that we would stick together, to make that daily decision to love the person we married, regardless of who else or what else came along.
That being said, I have to wonder, were you happy in your marriage and relationship with your husband prior to meeting your husband's classmate, or did you get married feeling only "contentment"?
It sounds like what you thought marriage was going to be like (playing house, butterflies 24/7) isn't what your reality (or anyone's for that matter) is and this other guy is forbidden fruit so it's exciting to think he's everything you could ever want. Like StarJay said, marriage is a decision and a lot of work. You (as a couple) need to work at it every day and honestly if there are 4, 5, 6 guys at your house most nights something tells me you as a couple are not working on your marriage.
You should definitely speak with a counselor and discuss your wishes for your marriage with your husband (I think I'd leave out the part about you having a crush on his classmate; at least for the time being).
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I seriously doubt you're all that content in your marriage. I also think you should stop living like the sole female on an all male dorm floor. Clearly you and your husband should be spending more time together as husband and wife and less time playing hostess to a bunch of kids acting like kids. I guarantee you'll feel more married when you start acting married.
I'm not sure if you and your husband are meant to be or if what but I do know that you aren't giving your marriage a decent shot by focusing on some other dude, particular if your marriage wishlist was constructed when you were a teenager and the things on it are petty.
BTW, what exactly is on yoru wish list anyway? I think that would help.
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I am very curious what these things/criteria were that you "compromised" on when marrying YH. What are the great qualities he has that made you overlook those?
The grass is always greener on the other side. If you are constantly thinking about what YH does NOT have, you can never appreciate the things he does have. If I were in that situation, I would spend time reinvesting in my marriage and figuring out if this marriage is really a good thing, or if you truly dont feel happy.
If you want to keep your marriage together, stop admiring this guy and thinking about his great qualities. I would agree with the PPs who said that couseling would help- it seems as though you maybe are struggling with adjusting to these life changes and having someone neutral to process them with can be very helpful. Also I agree with Hindsight- acting more like you are married and not like you are just college students playing house would probably also help.
I think it is pretty normal over the lifespan of your marriage to feel some kind of attraction to someone other than your spouse (we are human) its all what you do/think about it that makes the difference between ok/not ok. If you're just looking at this dude thinking what great qualities he has, I suppose that is on the ok side- depending on how serious you take it. Are you constantly thinking of him, or ways to be around him more? Do you fantasize about him? Or are you just wishing YH had those qualities too?
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Being an Army wife can be challenging. Each time you move, you have to, basically, build a life. Your DH will have work and a ready-made peer group. As you are already finding, this will be more challenging and require more effort on your part. But, IMO, you should find your own social group. At 20/21, you should not be playing "mom" for your DH and his friends. You are nobody's mom! Sure, an occasional dinner is fine, but don't fall into the habit of acting like the mom. Yes, it feels good to feel needed, but your commitment is to your DH and your marriage.
Call Military One Source. Get into therapy. Don't hang out or be around when "Mr. Complete List" is around. You are married and you owe it to yourself and your DH to honor your wedding vows.
Good luck.
I'm with the other ladies. You need to stop focusing on this guy and your list. Put your focus on your marriage and your self. Get some counseling. Stop letting your H invite all the guys over. Tell him y'all need to be spending some more time as a couple and not hosting his class. If he gets upset about it, be honest and tell him you are feeling your self attracted to one of the guys and you think it would be best if the guys just didn't come over for a while. Don't tell him which guy.
Like on PP said, a marriage is something you work on every day. Your attitude toward it goes a long way. If you keep focused on what your H isn't, you'll never see what he is. You should always focus on your own faults before you start nit picking others for theirs.
Honestly, I'm not sure you need counseling so much as you need to sit down and decide how much you really want to be married to your husband. Based on what you posted I'm guessing that you're very young, and if you're having such serious doubts about your choice to marry this man now, it's better to ask yourself if he's really the one for you (and answer honestly) than to blindly decide that since you said "I do" you have to stay. I'm not recommending you file for divorce on a whim, but it's better to realize if you made a mistake now rather than 5-10 years down the road when you may have kids.
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I totally agree. You have the case of "The grass is always greener" and let me tell you that turns out to most of the time not to be the case. I suggest that you look at what made you want to marry your husband in the first place. Did you just settle b/c he was the only one asking? I would also say that even though the "Mr. Everything on my List" guy might seem perfect chances are he is not. Have you ever heard the too good to be ture?
OP- Can I ask how old you are and what your wish list is?
I'm also curious about this. I think knowing these things can help us give you more specific advice, though I think the girls have done a great job so far.
You got married too young and to someone who was not the best match for you. (BTW, that doesn't mean your husband's friend would be a better choice, necessarily.) On top of that, it sounds like you've built an identity for yourself that is entirely based on your relationship with your husband, his career, and his military buddies. Did you go to college? Do you have a career of your own? Do you have your own friends that you spend time with several times a week?
Regardless of what happens in your marriage, I think you need to quit worrying about playing mom and spend more time on developing a sense of yourself independently of some guy.
I'm guessing based on the timeline (BCT right after high school, marriage in between BCT and AIT) that she and her husband are 19. ETA: Her SN is hername90, so she's 20/21. My advice still stands.
Marriage takes effort. There's no harm in admitting you dove face first into marriage before you were ready. Divorce isn't the end of the world, but for the love of God, please don't make babies while you're unsure of your relationship.
if you are having "feelings" which is most likely infatuation with his friend you need to tell your husband, and you need to get that guy outof your life, if you are going to continue on with your marriage, but i wouldnt get divorced over being unhappy becuase you guys havent had time to spend together