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Its been awhile.. weird issue.
Hello all,
Not sure who all remembers me, its been awhile. Anyway here is an issue I am having. I have been seriously dating the same guy for 18 months, and we are planning on moving in together late fall.
I have met his parents several times, including several overnight trips, as they live over two hours away. The subject is close to his parents a siblings, which I love. His family is MUCH more conservative than my own. So we have to sleep in seperate bedrooms at their house. I am fine with it, as its their house their rules.
But an issue I have, is that I am expected to call them Mr and Mrs Hislast name. I feel that this is far too formal at this point . My parents have always been first name only type of people. Its really starting to bother me, His family has complained to the boyfriend that they don't really know me, and I admit, I have been standoffish as I feel I can't really be myself around them. I fell that by calling them Mr and Mrs, they are in a way insisting on a formal/colder relationship.
I dont know that calling them by their first name would "warm" up the relationship, but I think it could be a start. Am I making a big deal out of nothing?
Re: Its been awhile.. weird issue.
It couldn't hurt.:)
What matters is what THEY feel comfortable being called, not what you feel comfortable calling them (and yes, you can go by "Miss Illusion" if that makes you feel better. They should call you what YOU prefer to be called).
If they are like this with all of your h's friends, then I think you're making a bigger issue out of this than you need to. I don't see how calling people "Mr. and Mrs. X" really makes a difference. How often do you actually use people's names? I avoided calling dh's stepmom by name for YEARS (not an issue now, as we don't speak to her).
You could insist that calling them "Mr. and Mrs. X" makes you standoffish, but then again, they could point out that only their friends call them "John and Susie," and you are so distant you really don't count as a friend to them just yet.
One compromise I can think of is calling them "Mrs." then their first name (Mrs. Jane, Mr. Rob). Ask your boyfriend what he thinks of that.
I was raised to address all adults by titles and last names, so Mr. & Mrs., Ms., Dr., etc. I rarely address my ILs by name, and over time I've come around to using their first names, but it still feels bizarre to me. IMO, it's a sign of respect. If they prefer that you call them Mr. & Mrs. Lastname, then you should abide by their wishes. It does not automatically mean a cold or distant relationship.
ETA: I still call my BFF's parents Dr. Lastname (they're both doctors). When I call and want to talk to the one who didn't answer the phone, I'll ask for Mrs. Dr. Lastname or Mr. Dr. Lastname. Awkward maybe, but I prefer to use titles unless oftherwise instructed. And I've known them something like 23 years now.
RIP Dr. Irving Fishman - 10/1/19-7/25/10 - thank you for holding on for me.
You made my wedding day complete.
I am an adult. I address other adults on an equal level. If they prefer "Mrs. IL", that's fine. I'm happy to be called "Dr. 5th" or "Ms. 5th" in that case.
If they're really insistent on this, I just wouldn't address them directly at all. I would just wait to make eye contact and then begin speaking. I'd also resolve myself to the fact that we're never going to be that close (which is ok!) because we just view relationships differently. I don't think it's possible to be friends or peers with someone who assumes that there is such a power differential between the two of you that it requires one to be titled while the other is not.
I imagine that this varies by region (south vs nonsouth) and age (I'm in my mid 30s. I would have felt differently when I was 22.)
Yes, I think you're overreacting.
I don't even get why you need to address them directly at all. I don't think I've ever addressed my FIL as anything when I'm speaking directly to him. If I'm talking about him to someone else I'll say "My father-in-law ..." or "[Husband]'s father ..."
My husband called my parents Mr. and Mrs. until we got married. There was no coldness in their relationship, it's just what my parents expected from a younger generation. He now calls them by their first names.
This isn't about you, it's about their comfort level. In fact, I expect my friends children to call me Mrs. unless I say otherwise. It drives me nuts when people introduce their children to other adults and use the adult's first name. IMO, this is similar. Yes, you are all adults, but you are a different generation. And, that's how they see it too. Plus, you are not married or engaged to be married. You are a girlfriend and they don't see any permanance at this point. Abide by their wishes if you wish to move things forward. Asking to call them something else would be incredibly rude.
Meh - I think this is less of a deal than you're making it. I presume that somehow along the way you asked them what they'd like to be referred to and they told you. Respect their wishes until notified that you've graduated to something else.
I grew up in a family where we were taught to address people by formal title unless they asked for something else. I'm 30+ years old and I still call some of my parents friends Mr/Mrs/Dr and all of my relatives by aunt/uncle/grandma/grandpa etc. I started out calling my ILs Mr. and Mrs (last name) and that lasted all of 2 seconds when they asked me to call them by their first names. My parents asked my Hubby to call them whatever he felt comfortable with - he went with Dr. and Mrs (last name initial) which is what my BIL still calls them (he and my sister started dating in highschol).
My husband called my parents Mr. and Mrs. Last name until we got married. Now he calls them Mom and Dad Last Name. I called his parents by their first names until we got married, now I call them Mom and Dad Last Name.
DH wanted to call my parents by their first names when we started dating and got engaged. He was of your mindset - calling them by Mr. & Mrs Last name was cold. DH was raised calling all of his friends' parents by their first names. But that is what my parents preferred - it's how they were raised and it's how I was raised. I call my BFF's parents by Mr. and Mrs. too. Yet they are like second parents. The name does not make the relationship any less warm.
I personally had a hard time calling my inlaws by their first names - felt too informal and disrespectful. But it is what made them feel comfortable and I respect that - I can get over the awkwardness of calling them by their first names.
Do you feel that you have been standoffish only because they want you to call them Mr. & Mrs.? Or is there something else that is causing you to react in that way to them? My advice? Call them Mr. and Mrs Last Name - a rose by any other name is still a rose. You may find later you all warm up and you can call them by something different that feels less formal to you.
I agree with this.
Just curious - if they're as conservative as you say they are, how do they feel about the two of you moving in together before/without marriage? Do you think that the name thing is their passive-aggressive way of stating disapproval?
I think you call them what they ask you to call them, it's a sign of respect. If you have a problem with it, well, that's your problem. Just remind yourself that these people raised the man you're with (and that you love) and that giving that ounce of respect is the least you can do.