Sex & Romance
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Struggling New Wife
I very recently got married (about a month ago). Both of us waited to have any form of sex until we got married, which of course makes things a bit more difficult (22 years old). When we were dating I could easily have an orgasm just by kissing, but now, since we have been married I am struggling to get excited, get wet and have an orgasm. This makes penetration an incredibly uncomfortable experience. So uncomfortable that I have not been able to actually have sex. Things are not awkward and we feel comfortable around each other. I went to the doctors 2 weeks after we got married. I had a minor yeast infection, but they said that I should be fine. Because of the frustration I have trouble relaxing, and even struggle with foreplay. This is causing frustration between the two of us, and we need help! Nothing is working for me! Any suggestions!
Re: Struggling New Wife
The first thing, is to stop thinking...you should be letting go and letting things just happen. Breathe and take it easy, also if you are not getting wet try lubricants.
At some point or another, everyone has trouble becoming aroused. Try thinking back to the time when just kissing was enough to excite you. What was surrounding you? Were you completely alone or were there people in another room? Was there any particular scent that you can recall? All these things might help you realize what it is that actually turns you on.It may have been the intensity of kissing each other knowing that's all you were going to do. Maybe you were just disappointed with what sex turned out to be after waiting so long.
Also, if you're not comfortable with yourself or with him when your naked then maybe you need to become more familiar with each other. Try to be intimate with one another without having penetrative sex; strictly gentle touching and caressing. Maybe find some sex dice to help give you ideas of what to do with each other and become familiar with each others body. Once you think your comfortable and ready step it up with gentle oral sex. Have him finger you (use lube i necessary to get things started) and maybe use his tongue to explore you and find out what you like. On the same note, start exploring him! Figure out what drives him crazy! Hopefully you'll get to the point where penetration will just come naturally and be comfortable for you to.
I also did not have sex until I was married. It took lots of lube and some "just do it" times to get over the physical barrier. The dryness is often a mental barrier, but you should def. use some lube!
Try starting with a small vibrator, and once you are relaxed, as DH to penetrate...it will be less frustrating for you this way.
Also, consider having one weekend where you agree in advance that you won't try to have actual sex. You will just learn how to touch each other (if you didn't while dating). It will take the pressure off.
I have trouble getting wet too. H knows this, so he makes sure that we spend plenty of time on foreplay. I can't tell you how to relax, but I can assure you that you are not alone in this at all. Talk to your H and tell him about your concerns, and maybe talk about some different types of foreplay. The first poster suggested porn, I agree with this, sometimes H and I will watch it together before or during foreplay to help get us aroused. Also, I don't know how you feel about this, but one of my favorite ways to get aroused is for him to give e oral sex. That is the only way I have ever had an orgasm. I also have a vibrator, and sometimes H will use it on me before sex. Hope this helps!
Congrats on your recent marriage!
Have you ever had an orgasm?
I know you say that you had orgasms from kissing, but I am skeptical. That is an unusual reaction to have to stimuli that is not genital. I am not ruling it out, but I want more information.
Why did you wait?
When you say that you "waited to have *any* form of sex", what does that cover? Did you guys never remove clothing? Did you rub up against each other during these makeout sessions that resulted in your "kissing orgasms"? Did you have no physical contact before marriage? Did he experience orgasms from your kissing sessions? Have you ever masturbated to orgasm?
No one is born a good lover...it takes time and patience and a healthy dose of good humor. Ditto the recommendation to take vaginal penetration off the table. Make sure to start each sexual session with some of those "kissing orgasms" which should leave you wet for sex. Take the pressure off of sex. Tell your husband that you guys are going to back up and "fool around" some more - but with guilt-free orgasms. Tell him that for the next three weeks you guys are going to do nothing but give manual and oral pleasure for each other - no penetration. Build up a bunch of sex-positive associations and you might find that you aren't tensing up so much when the subject of sex come up.
I think that you need to have a good, old-fashioned clitoral orgasm. No toys, no husband, just you and whatever turns you on (porn, erotica, a dirty mind). Afterwards, think about the pressure, rhythm and fantasy that helped you get there. Now you can communicate it to your husband. He is not a mind-reader, so he will need your guidance to figure out what pleasures you. And remember, he REALLY wants to pleasure you! Just think about the kind of feedback you will need when giving him oral pleasure - you need to learn what he likes, so don't be shy in telling him what you like.
I also suggest another OBGYN check up. Have them make sure that your hymen is completely broken. That could be the cause of your discomfort.
Stop focusing on trying to have sex, that will give both of you way too much pressure to preform.
Relax, maybe try some basic kissing and move into fooling around with foreplay. Remember how you first both came together in the beginning of the relationship. Take the pressure of having sex in the end out of it - focus on your partners hands touching you and making you feel something. Focus on pleasing your partner...by listening to what makes him "tick."
Relaxing through sex has ebbs and flows in marriages that last for years. I find this board is extremley helpful with sex advice without judgement, from ladies (and men) who have been through the same thing.
Try not to think to hard, and don't think about everything else going on in your life (dishes, work, etc). Yes, this is a lot easier than it sounds, but I often have the problem of thinking too much and not getting into things.
Like others, I would definitely suggest some lube. A lot of people I know really like KY Yours and Mine. You and DH can each put it on eachother as a little foreplay, and when you're ready for the main event, it'll be a lot smoother and more comfortable to get in. And I also agree that you should explore yourself and find what out what you like, then guide DH to help you with that.
It's going to require, time, practice and re-programming years of well intended but inaccurate stories from your mind.
You can't pickup a golf club for the first time and drive the ball onto the green. You can't just get married and expect mega fun sex as beginners.
Many virgins think there is a reward of thousands of orgasms once they do have sex for thier reward of being "good" and waiting. Ain't so dear, sorry.
Well meaning family and church advice often take the quick easy approach of keeping folk out of sexual troubles. By just saying sex is "bad/dirty" without an explanation.
You are having trouble becoming aroused because you are now let down and disappointed. Takes time and patience to get you mind un-brainwashed.
Best I can suggest is use some lube, meet hubby at the door naked and boff his brains out until everything "works".
A yeast infection can cause pain during sex, have you tried since?
Relax! If you're nervous it could be causing some problems.
I agree to just relax and take things slow. Let foreplay lead into making love.
BFP 2/10/2012!
Due Date: 10/15/2012!
Baby Boy Born 10/11/12! (Not on purpose)