Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
son's first birthday - family hates in-laws!
I'm having my son's first birthday party next month and have been dreading this since he was born.
On the day of his birth my family was forced to combine with my in-laws in a small waiting room for hours. I heard it was embarrassing by my sister. My family is very rude and rejects newcomers. So they stayed in their corner talking loudly about how much they hate "those people." My in-laws are fantastic, positive and accepting people. I feel so bad for them for how my family treated them. Even after, they had not one bad thing to say about my family. My family didn't talk to me for several months after our son was born because I'm associated with and care about my in-laws. They're SELFISH. That hurt me that not one of my family members came to visit me with a new baby to see how we were doing.
Things are pretty smooth now between my family and me but I am scared to get them together again because of how my family could potentially act towards them.
What do I do?
Re: son's first birthday - family hates in-laws!
Agreed. Don't force rude, selfish people to mingle. There is more than one way to celebrate a 1st birthday.
Just curious, is this a nationality thing? How were you to avoid marrying an outsider - did they have a cousin picked out for you or something?
Are you an Irish Traveller?
*snort*
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Ditto. I'd tell your family to grow up and act like adults. If they can't be respectful of your in-laws for a few hours than they shouldn't show up at all.
Why is it now "smooth" between you and your family? Did they apologize for their behavior, or did they just act like nothing happened?
Have you told them how hurtful and embarrassing their actions were to you, your husband and your in-laws?
Are they just jealous that you're dividing your time between them and your husband's family, or do they dislike your in-laws because of their race, religion, social status, etc.?
Either way, I personally wouldn't go through the hassle of two parties just to accommodate a bunch of people who can't act like adults. Tell them beforehand to be civil to all of your guests or just ignore them at least, and if not then they'll have to leave. The minute they do something offensive, show them the door.
I don't really agree with the idea of having two separate parties. It's an option, but in a way, it means you're catering to their rudeness.
I'd just have a talk with your parents beforehand and remind them that they need to act like adults and at least be civil to your IL's. If they're unable to do that, then they won't be invited anymore. I know they're your parents, but this is just ridiculous.
Why should OP have 2 parties because her idiot family can not act like adults? Thats a load of crap, if they cant handle a group party they dont get invited! She shouldnt have to do all that work 2xs because of them that would just be positive reinforcement for their bad behavior!
Sorry OP you need to sit them down and tell them if they cant behave during the party they will be asked to leave and not come back! And then you have to follow through...warn then before the party, when they get there, and during,,,and be ready to kick their ass4s out of they dont!
I can't tell from the original post: Is your sister who mentioned how embarrassing it was in the L&D waiting room....is she part of the problem group or, like you, sees your side of the family as being rude and exclusionary?
Personally, I would not have two parties. Your kid is one. You have two parties now, two Christmases, two graduation parties...I mean, literally, you'll never have a single holiday or family celebration of your very own because you'll be divying it up between the two families. Having been down that road, I can tell you it will only strengthen their rudeness and their entitlement...and your resentment and stress level.
I'm assuming you spoke with your family about their behavior? What came of that?
Have one, central party. Invite family members whom you can trust and whom you'd be happy to have. If you feel obligatory with your mother and father then you should have a straight out talk about how they treated your ILs in the past (and you need to let them know that the tale bearer is from their own family so they don't then become even more hostile towards the ILs) and how you expect them to behave in the future, including the party and that they will be asked to leave early should issues arrise. They don't have to view one another as family but they do have to treat them as they would any other individual who is important and deserves respect.
Have 2 separate family get-togethers. Maybe invite one side of the family over for dinner/dessert on the actual birthday, and invite the other side to the official "party" on the following weekend when you invite friends and other children. One family gets to come to the "real" party; one family gets baby all to themselves at a smaller family dinner.
If both families are coming from out of town and you MUST have them both at one party, invite some friends and other children so there's a bit of a buffer between the two groups. Keep the party short and arrange things at your home so that each family can gravitate to a separate zone.
Also, don't let family members "tattle" on each other to you, as your sister did when your son was born. You have no idea whether her account is accurate or biased. If you actually witness bad behavior on the day of your son's party, you will have to decide whether to ignore it and apologize to your ILs later, or to step in and demand better behavior from your parents.
Accept that the two families may never get along or interact well. Don't force it on them.
Our families are complete opposites. We are the same race so that isn't the problem. We met at a job we had together.
I've asked my husband if we could do a separate party but he disagreed. He wants us to all get along but I keep telling him that will never happen. He thinks people change but they've been this way with ALL outsiders in the family for a couple generations as far as I can tell. How sad is that? He also thinks it would be embarrassing and very obvious to his family if none of mine showed up.
For two weeks after my son was born, not one family member of mine showed up to see us (my dad did because he's the only sane one who divorced this family). They actually left the hospital early before I had him and missed his birth. They ignored all calls from his family when they tried telling them that he's been born! My sister was among the hype but when she's not mad at me, she tells me how embarrassed she is of our family. She's exactly like they are.
I did address this with my mom. I was in tears telling her that she embarrassed me and really hurt my feelings by talking bad about my new family in front of me (happened at the wedding/wedding shower too). She ended up blaming me and not apologizing like always. She sees that she's the victim. She hates how they're a happy and loving family. She thinks they judge her and secretly hate her but they have given her money when she wasn't doing so well! It's mainly jealousy. But it's my ENTIRE family, not just my mom and sister who do this.
If I just don't invite them, they'll pretty much turn their backs on me. Which either way, it's what they're already doing. It's like I don't have a family most of the time. I'm really nervous about this party. Every time they've all gotten together, my family stops talking to me for weeks at a time. And no they never apologize. They just sneak back in as if nothing happened.
It's already started with my mom and sister like clockwork. His parents live in California and for weeks they've been planning on spending the week with us since they haven't come to Texas since January. Of course that pissed my sister and mom off and texted me their frustrations saying that I "treat my own family like crap and do for HIS family at the drop of a hat." Not true. I hang out with my family all the time but as soon as I tell my family that I have plans with them, all this comes out. I really don't want this in my son's life but it's hard because they're my family.