June 2008 Weddings
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
s/o Judging, a Poll (non-clicky)
What types of things do you find yourself judging? And what is the judgment based off of (i.e., your own insecurity, jealousy, upbringing, not sure)?
Re: s/o Judging, a Poll (non-clicky)
The one thing I find myself constantly judging is excess. I know I should probably just avoid stories like this, but when I find myself reading about a multi-million dollar engagement ring for a reality star, or a 2.2 million dollar bus for a sitcom actor, or a 12,000 square foot home for anybody, I judge. Actually, it sickens me to my stomach a tiny bit. There's so many people in the world who go without, and just because these people have the money they spend well beyond what they need. I realize its their money and they have every right to do what they want with it, but thats not the point, I still judge.
I think this is mostly based off of jealousy, as I have worked hard all my life, have a ton of student debt, went to school for several years, and work my butt off now, and I feel sometimes that I'm not even slightly getting ahead. Its frustrating. I think its partially based on how I grew up, too...in a very frugal family, in a small house, with hand-me-down clothes and toys, very few meals out, etc. I'm well aware that nobody NEEDS what these people have...they don't need anything close to it, as I survived the situation just fine.
I judge people's attire - not the cost or whether it is fashionable (usually), but whether it is flattering for their body type/size. I believe that most everyone can dress in a way that is flattering or the least unflattering for themselves. Of course, that includes a whole host of body image issues, including my own.
I judge people's childrearing. I feel some of our friends are too lax and some are too overbearing. I don't say anything to them, but DH and I talk about it privately. I think it is a way to make decisions about what we will do for ourselves - what we like that other people do and what we don't like.
I judge people who are lazy, and, yes, calling them "lazy" is in itself a judgment. An example, BIL was out of work for almost 2 years. He was offered several jobs but turned them down because of (1) they didn't pay as much as he thought he should get or (2) he would have to commute 30 minutes instead of working from home. I can't imagine not working if somewhat comparable jobs were available. I've worked since I was 15 and completely supported myself since 18 - often at multiple jobs at the same time. I just can't fathom depending on others and so I judge.
I know I do it and I know I am a victim of it. I really think sizeism is one of the last accepted forms of discrimination. There is this girl at our beach club whose Mom I am friends with/grew up with. She tells me, every time she sees me, 'you have really big arms'. Um. Thanks? The Mom never ever says anything. Never says anything then and, I'm assuming since it still happens, never says anything after as a teaching moment. Now, if I was black/orange/martian/whatever and she said something that as a more socially unaccepted 'slur' I am SURE the Mom would say something so why is calling me 'big' OK?
Am I being over sensitive?
In general I think my size is a major reason I have problems making friends - I think people pre-judge before they know me.
This makes me sad, because you are pretty awesome.
Of course, I think you have a problem making friends because your DH always ruins plans!!!
People definitely pre-judge others based on size. I have posted before about one of my BFFs who is overweight. If I am truthful, she is not just overweight but severely morbidly obese. She is such a great person though. Friends of ours that are expecting a baby admitted over the weekend that they liked her name and had considered it for a girl name for their baby that is on the way, but decided not to use it because of my friend and the fact that they now associate her name with a larger person.
Similarly, I used to work with a super thin woman. We all assumed that she was anorexic and had emotional issues. We were all pushing food on the poor girl and a senior partner took her aside to counsel her about her weight, work/life balance and on our concerns. It turns out, she had been seeing several doctors trying to diagnose GI issues (ultimately celiac disease and some food allergies/aversions).
DH is very short for a man (5'3") and feels like he is treated differently as a result.
I am really judgey towards people who complain about things but are not willing to change them, or can't accept their own role in whatever is upsetting them. This stems mostly from my work.
DH and I also observe and discuss various parenting techniques of friends and family.
I also am pretty bad about people with poor boundaries. Again, from work, but I have my own history with this too.
I will be the first to admit that I am uncomfortable/judging about people who discuss religion from an evangelical standpoint. I consider myself a Christian and am a religious person, but am very uncomfortable with people who focus all of their life activities around the church. This is based on my upbringing and personal religious beliefs. I believe that people can be open about their beliefs/discuss religion/demonstrate through behaviors and good works without the 'in your face' approach.
I think the main thing that I find myself judging others on is what I consider "bad" parenting. By this I mean when kids are running around a store, screaming, etc. I know that it will someday bite me in the a$$, but I always think about how my kids will never be allowed to act like that in public.
I know that there are a ton of other things that I judge on, but I'm not as aware of them.
I think that something that I get judged on is keeping Marshall rear facing. I feel like everybody that sees him rear facing and knows that he's over a year old are thinking that I'm just a paranoid first-time mom. Which I don't really care about, they can think what they want.
I also feel like we are judged on having our kids so close together. I actually don't mind at all when people ask if we were trying to get pregnant because I want them to know that, yes we were. This little girl was planned and hoped for...not a "happy accident" or unexpected.
Let me clarify that my uncomfortable extends to pushy people from all religions. I am one of those 'bad' christians who find value in other religions. I'm not so much a right way or highway kind of girl...
I judge on the same things others have mentioned, poorly fitting/unflattering clothes, parenting styles, and how others use their money. I CANNOT stand when someone talks about this wonderful weekend with their family: movies complete with snacks, big expensive dinner, drinks, etc...and 2 days later complain that they can't afford to go to the grocery store or to pay their power bill. You spent $50 on beer, don't b!tch about not having the money to keep your power on, not my problem!! (I don't mean once, I mean repeatedly on a monthly basis.) I also judge about people who stay on government assistance without trying to get a job or help themselves; they just keep popping out kids that they refuse to care for.
I feel judged about having my animals inside (3 cats, 2 dogs). People automatically assume my house is nasty and we are unclean. I am very ocd about having a clean house, even before the animals, so I make sure my house is basically spotless at least weekly and kept up between cleanings.
I judge people who constantly complain about things they can readily change, but choose not to. Particularly if they are seeking sympathy for their problems. This includes people who spend frivolously but complain about being broke, people who let their children run completely wild with no limitations and complain about how their kid is a monster, people who are upset about their health issues but refuse to make healthy decisions, etc. I'm a big fan of the saying "God helps those who help themselves." Religious or not, I do feel there is a lot to be said about pulling oneself up by the bootstraps and making life changes, even if it's uncomfortable at first.
I strongly believe the reason I'm judgmental about these things is because of my upbringing. We had some very rough times as a family, financially, emotionally, etc., and my parents (my mom especially) taught us to suck it up and make it work. Complaining about something changeable was never an option.