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Another libido problem...
Forgive me if I am not following some community rule on this board. I haven't lurked here, and I'm from TK.
My FI and I have been living together for the past two years. We have always had a fantastic relationship, friendship and ability to see each other through the up's and down's. In general, we are almost always on the same page with everything, including our sex life until the last couple months or so...
He's been complaining because I haven't been interested in sex and we don't have sex as much as we used to in our hay day. And he's right, sex feels like a chore to me now, especially because he lasts sooooooooo long! So when we do have sex, all I can think about is how to help him finish quicker. I feel like I would be willing to do it more often if it didn't last so long. Most of the time I prefer to just give him a BJ.
I've expressed my concern to him about the lasting too long, and he said that it's hard for him to get off when he can tell that I'm not into it. Well, can't fault him there. He's right.
From everything I've read on the internet about losing interest in sex, sex becoming a chore, etc. the advise is always the same: "Spice it up by roll playing, trying new positions or introducing toys." Oh how I hate that advice - I refuse to believe that stuff is the one-size-fits-all solution to everyone's so-so sex life.
I think roll-playing is silly and I don't want to do it, and I don't have any fantasies that I want to act out. And neither one of us like the idea of toys. We've tried lots and lots of positions and there are honestly only a few tried-and-true that I actually like: missionary, a few variations of missionary, and the particular way we do it in the shower. That's all that feels good to me - everything else is either uncomfortable or just down-right doesn't feel good at all. I hate being on top, I don't like from behind, and most of those kama sutra ones are ridiculous.
The times that I enjoy sex and it is really good for both of us is when there is build-up to it and it starts slowly. Like when FI travels out of town for work and comes home after a week or two of being gone. Or when we are out having a romantic time together and everything happens naturally.
Unfortunately, for the most part, it usually comes just waking up/about ready to go to sleep in the form of simply "Do you want to have sex?" from him. Obviously that's not enough to get me in the mood, and when I tell him that he replies that it used to be (which is true - but not anymore).
I then get a guilt trip about how our sex life is "going down the drain" (his words) and he doesn't know what my problem is. He doesn't seem to accept my explanations that 1) I need more to be turned on and 2) I don't like it when it lasts forever.
I feel that it should be noted that even with all of the above, we still have sex at least a few times a week.
Any input?
Re: Another libido problem...
How long have you 2 been together in total?
That has a bearing on your sex life and your frequency, also.
Passion also tends to wax and wane. The longer you're together, the less the frequency will be.
Let me take your post line by line..:)
He's been complaining because I haven't been interested in sex and we don't have sex as much as we used to in our hay day. And he's right, sex feels like a chore to me now, especially because he lasts sooooooooo long! So when we do have sex, all I can think about is how to help him finish quicker. I feel like I would be willing to do it more often if it didn't last so long. Most of the time I prefer to just give him a BJ.
How to help him finish quicker?
you might try talking dirty to him or stimulating parts of his body that you know are uber sensitive -- try his taint. And if you're feeling especially randy and you don't mind ass play, try stimulating his prostate.:)
He can help, also by actively thinking about something to speed up the action --- the opposite of using that "I'm screwing my geometry teacher/thinking about baseball" trick.:)
I am wondering if he hasn't got a genitourinary problem that might be causing delayed ejaculation -- it probably wouldn't be a bad idea for him to get this checked out if the speed 'em up ploys don't work.
I've expressed my concern to him about the lasting too long, and he said that it's hard for him to get off when he can tell that I'm not into it. Well, can't fault him there. He's right.
Try communicating more, also. And he's also pinning the rose on you rather than sitting down with you and finding out a way for the both of you to work on the issue. It's just plain childish of him to put all of the blame on you.
You might also try initiating some quickies -- jump in the shower with him or invite him in with you or just jump his bones on a whim.
From everything I've read on the internet about losing interest in sex, sex becoming a chore, etc. the advise is always the same: "Spice it up by roll playing, trying new positions or introducing toys." Oh how I hate that advice - I refuse to believe that stuff is the one-size-fits-all solution to everyone's so-so sex life.
If you don't like role playing then don't do it. It's as simple as that. Ditto for toys -- thought it wouldn't be a bad idea to try something new in the way of positions.
The times that I enjoy sex and it is really good for both of us is when there is build-up to it and it starts slowly. Like when FI travels out of town for work and comes home after a week or two of being gone. Or when we are out having a romantic time together and everything happens naturally.
This is why I suggested jumping in the shower and jumping his bones.:)
Unfortunately, for the most part, it usually comes just waking up/about ready to go to sleep in the form of simply "Do you want to have sex?" from him. Obviously that's not enough to get me in the mood, and when I tell him that he replies that it used to be (which is true - but not anymore).
If you want something different or more graphic, by all means tell him! He's not a mind reader.:)
I then get a guilt trip about how our sex life is "going down the drain" (his words) and he doesn't know what my problem is. He doesn't seem to accept my explanations that 1) I need more to be turned on and 2) I don't like it when it lasts forever.
Then this is where he needs to know you need foreplay and you want sex to last less of a duration. he's got to work on this with you.
It takes 2 to make a successful sex life, not one.
If I were you, I'd have these issues resolved before your wedding day rolls around. As you can see, sex is a hot topic and it can be a very ugly one when it rears its head; sex and money and religion are the 3 biggies couples will argue over.
I don't know if I'm the best offering advice. We just got married last year and are still in the "newlywed" phase. But we have been together for 7 years, and we have gone through rough patches in our sex life.
I think part of the issue is like you said, he's not putting much effort into turning you on. He can't expect you to be all over sex if he just goes, "So let's have sex" before bed.
I agree that telling couples to just role play does not solve anything. Have either/both of you been extra stressed lately? Any other issues in other parts of your life going on? because those things CAN affect your sex drive. I know when I'm super stressed, I want it less, not more, and H gets frustrated sometimes. Any BC switch that might be to blame?
Is there rest of your relationship going well? Are there arguments that keep getting brought up and not resolved?
I think you need to be very frank with him in what you like and don't like. Tell him he needs to do more to turn you on than say "Let's have sex." Perhaps try sex in different locations--outside (if it's feasible where you live), on the kitchen counter, etc. Whatever you are comfortable doing but is different than what you've done before. That might help make it more interesting. I don't know that I was any help, but I do hope the sex improves for you!
And he didn't discuss this with you -- he just went right on ahead and decided alone.
I don't think this is so great.
BTW, don't expect to have sex at all on your wedding night. The entire day is draining and tiring; all the 2 of you will want to do is hit the hay and sleep. Save it for the next night.
I agree with some PP's about talking to him (outside of the bedroom) about working on his pick up line. I hate when my fiance does that to me! No, I want to be seduced. Give me a break.
My thought is: have you tried initiating? I find that can be a good way of getting turned on... Take it at your pace, the way you want it, and make him sort of follow your lead. Make sense?