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yet another long update
I caved again. I'm both ashamed and relieved because the fighting is over, but I'm still living with the same situation with a shiny new bow on it.
Lance and I kept looking for properties in our area and couldn't find anything. We found some land that we could build on or put an RTM, but in the end it would either be too expensive or not enough land to make it worth it. So I decided that since he had humored me and we had looked around, found that nowhere else suited us, so we would stay with some conditions.
1. His parents stuff is to be out completely by Christmas (or I'm torching it)
2. We are going to reduce our cow herd so that Lance is only outside after work for a maximum of a half hour.
3. They are going to go to the bank to get the house appraised, and we are going to see about getting a mortgage.
The next couple days after we made our decision everything was fine, everyone completely agreed to do as I had asked... and then I started getting 'but's. First, Lance doesn't want to get rid of as many cows as he said he wanted to originally. I told him that he agreed to a deal and that he better damn well stick to it or he won't have any cows and he'll be miserable. Then his mom said that they would move all of their furniture out of the master bedroom into one of the (now) empty downstairs ones... I told her fine, but it had better not stay there.
I feel like I'm falling into the same trap. I feel stupid for agreeing to all of this, but I'm sick of fighting and 'dream bashing' and being accused of planning to leave Lance on his ass in 5 years. They tried to make me promise that this agreement is going to make me happy and I just said 'only if everyone else does as they say they'll do, I make NO promises'
Re: yet another long update
I think that you really need to stand your ground on this one, hon. I know that it's hard but you're doing what's best for YOUR family. Granted MIL is part of the extended family but I'm talking about you, Lance, and Wyatt.
If terms you agreed upon aren't being met, I'd be ready to start throat punching (for you Sarah!). I understand you trying to compromise, but it seems like your MIL is still trying to have her own way. Is it really that big of a deal for her to move stuff out of YOUR house? Your MIL needs to mind her own business a little bit. What happens between you and Lance today, tomorrow, in five years, twenty years, whatever is between you two. She should butt out, IMO.
Not trying to be snarky at all, just telling you how I see it. Hope it works out for you though!
Kate's Recipe Box || Relatively Bookish
What is MIL's reasoning for not getting everything out of the house by the deadline? If there was a valid reason, I'd probably give in too, but it doesn't sound like she has one. You could always offer than anything not moved out by the deadline, you're more than happy to get rid of for her (yard sale, donate, etc).That might motivate her a little bit more.
It's a tricky situation because regardless of how much of a pain she is, she's still always going to be there and you don't want to strain the relationship so much that Wyatt suffers by not having a relationship with his grandparents. I don't envy you!
Hopefully your hubby will start to get rid of the cows now. I'm sure it's a big deal to him and hard to give up. Maybe he can do it in stages? Get rid of some now and then some in a few more months.
You do need to stick your ground, but want to keep things good for the long-term too. And you know I'm always a fan of counseling.
I'm sorry you are going through a rough situation. If it was me, I would just say to your inlaws that if the house is truly suppose to be yours and lance's then it needs to be that way completely. And if it is not to be your house, you tell Lance that you need to begin working towards getting a house that is completely yours.
I agree with PP... what is stopping you from cleaning out IL's stuff, boxing it up, and taking it to them yourself?
If you do nothing else, I would do that. It kinda shows you mean what you say, without being downright confrontational.
In addition, while that's happening, if you really don't want to live there, keep looking for a place. Maybe change the area you are focusing on or look on the other side of town (not sure exactly how your area works, but that's what I try).
I think more than one person has already said something like this, but what would they do if you moved their things out of the master bedroom into the guest room yourselves? And what about just boxing their things up for them, even if you don't bring them over to them, just keep them in the guest bedroom in boxes so there is room for your own things? You would be doing nothing else than helping them get ready to take their things to their own place.
I also think you should continue looking for houses at least online, and if something happens to come up in your price range go take a look at it. That much can't hurt. And it probably would be helpful to talk to a counselor or some type of impartial 3rd party about all of this.
Good luck, I hope things start working out for the best
Why are you giving up finding your own place? Don't ever stop looking because something may pop open in a week, a month, 6 months, whatever.
I really hope you see that you're being completely walked over in this situation. Because it's Lance's family, they are able to band together and you're left out because you don't have that blood/history connection with any of them. Whether or not they're doing it consciously, it's what is happening, and I wouldn't be ok with that. At some point in time, it has got to start being about you and Lance and Wyatt, not your extended family. And if things didn't start changing soon, you might consider throwing out going to counseling or maybe going to your family for a few days to really help it sink in that you're 100% serious.
I pretty much agree with everything Liz says. Don't think for a minute that your family with Lance and Wyatt aren't as important (if not more) than Lance's extended family. You have to do what is best for you not them.
Thank you girls so much for all of the support!! This means so much to me.
The reason they can't take their stuff is because their house is too small and has no storage, so essentially they are using our house as storage because we haven't really complained about it too much... and by that I mean I have been fighting with Lance about it and quietly hinting at MIL, but it hasn't gotten through so they don't think it is a problem. I've asked Lance to talk to them about getting a storage unit. They can definitely afford it, but Lance says that he feels guilty making them take all of their stuff away at once (I don't... but I know if I'm the one who asks, they'll make me out to be a ***).
I have talked to Lance about counseling and he absolutely refuses to talk about it. Obviously he doesn't understand how it would benefit us, instead he just got angry and said 'If people found out we were going to counseling, they would think you were going to leave me'.... I still don't understand why everyone seems to think I'm going to leave him when I am trying so f*cking hard to keep us together.
I think I might go to counseling on my own instead. I can see both sides of our problem, so maybe I would be able to benefit from it even without Lance? Or would I just be wasting money?
Today I took Wyatt into town, priced out 2 new couches, a new TV and bought a shitton of storage boxes and started packing my MIL's stuff into those boxes and put them in the garage with the rest of her stuff from the basement which flooded a couple weeks ago and is NOT going back downstairs... who knew something good could come out of a flooded basement?
I'm not sure where to go from here. I am going to keep an eye on real estate, although when we move does affect his parents quite a bit because of the cows and when they would be able to sell (because of taxes and all that)
I'm sure you could benefit from the counseling-but he really should go with you. He should want to go with you...for the benefit of your marriage and your relationship, in general.
It's not a big deal to have a storage unit-IMO, once your IL's moved into a smaller house, they had to know their stuff would go somewhere. Surely they weren't thinking it was going to stay at your house forever. I suppose if you wanted to really put your fist down, you could tell them they can keep stuff in the garage/basement/wherever for a monthly fee like storage units charge. I'm sure that would go over like a lead balloon, but it's just a thought.
Not wasting money at all. I think it will be helpful that you'll have someone you can talk to about whatever you decide to end up doing on the homefront, without any judgement. Lance may feel more comfortable attending a session with you if it's "your counselor" rather than a counselor for both of you. Getting men involved in counseling can be really difficult, especially if they've been brought up to be problem solvers.
Lots of love!