Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Mom coming tomorrow- no help from BF
I am beyond livid at this point and need some insight on how to deal with this. It has been a problem for quite some time and I'm just over it. My BF and I moved in together about a year and a half ago. I knew it wasn't going to be easy but I didn't think it would be this hard either...
My mom is coming into town this weekend. She and her fiance are staying in a hotel down the road to give us privacy and themselves. However, she will be spending time in our home and I want it to be perfect because this is her first trip down. My issue is that my BF is the laziest person I know and refuses to help me around the house. This is a regular problem but its boiled over now that we are having company. What further irks me is that his parents were here the week of July 4th and I did everything to prepare for them except clean the bathrooms. That is the only thing I asked him to do and he didn't do it. Weeks later I repeatedly asked him to do it and he didn't so eventually I was so annoyed and disgusted that I broke down and scrubbed all 3 bathrooms. Another repeating issue is the dishes. I tried to implement the one cooks the other cleans up rule. I have been the one cooking and after eating he says give me 2 mins. He never gets back up and when I wake up the next day for work, those dishes are still there and I start off the day pissed.
Now comes the underlying issue. We were raised totally differently. My mom was a single parent so I was brought up to be independent and have been doing chores regularly since I was about 12. His parents are still married and very "traditional". He had a SAHM who did everything for him just shy of wiping his ass. I'm not a parent so I don't want to judge, but I just find that to be ridiculous. Now he is 23 and I'm dealing with him just doing what he knows- nothing. I find myself being the most mad at him but now I'm also irritated at his parents. I am in no way what one would consider tradional and this is OUR house not MY house. I work 40 hours a week just as he does so how is this only my responsibility?
I'm not sure if I'm at least part of the problem for being impatient and expecting that he just does these things without me asking- or if it is all him being lazy and a bad product of the enviornment he was raised in. Either way, I'm ready to leave the relationship. It's not what I want, but like I said, I've been dealing with this for the last year and a half and I sure as sh!t will not spend the rest of my life this way. At what point should one accept adulthood and do for themselves?
Am I overreacting because I'm mad? WDYT?
Re: Mom coming tomorrow- no help from BF
Thank God you're realizing all this now, while he's only your BF. This is who he is - open your eyes and realize it. If you don't want to be in a relationship w/ someone who is like this, then don't be in a relationship w/ someone who is like this.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Your bf has shown you who he is. Believe him. He is never going to change. Do you wan to go through this from now until the end of your life?
And stop being angry at his parents or blaming it on yourself. Place the blame where it belongs - on your lazy, live-in manchild.
I was raised by a SAHM, and I know how to clean up after myself, and get a house ready for company. And I am not so d*mn lazy and inconsiderate that I would allow someone else to go crazy cleaning up a house for my parents while I just watch tv.
FET - transferred two embryos (boy and girl) - Nov 2014 - BFP!
This.
People are generally on their BEST behaviours when they're dating. If it's something you've talked to him about already, you've let him know he needs to do things and he's still not doing anything then thank gawd you found out now and not after you got married. There are so many guys that DO clean and respect their spouse enough to want to help out. Good for you for realizing what you want.
LOL he doesn't do it because he knows, eventually, you WILL.
he has a choice here. I dont believe that 'sahm' bulls hit. he CHOOSES to be lazy, he chooses to do nothing. you choose to do it all. you can also choose not to and not ever have consequences (aside of you talking/yelling about it which does nothing). any idiot can figure out how to sweep a floor or wash a mirror. the SAHM thing is your rationalizing why he's so lazy and do-nothing- and it's way off. that's his CHOICE.
This is why living together is so great. You are getting a glimpse into what being married to him would be like.
There is little chance that he will ever change. If you don't want to be pissed off about this every day, then you may want to cut your losses and move on.
Your issue is actually that you've chosen this person to be your boyfriend. No, you're not overreacting, but if you expect this to ever change you're being seriously delusional.
You're not overreacting at all. And it's a good thing you're realizing all this NOW, and not in a few years when you might be married and maybe have a few kids.
Does he just say he'll do it and then he never gets off the couch? Or does he argue with you over why he shouldn't have to clean ... "I worked hard all day and now I want to relax, why should I have to clean up for YOUR parents, cleaning is the woman's job (barf), I do other stuff around here/I make more money so it's only fair that you do the housework, etc."? I think he's just being a plain ol' jerk when he won't help you clean, but I also think that there's a difference between him being lazy or a chauvinistic pig vs. him thinking that the overall workload is unfair if he's got to help with the cleaning. If it's the former (or the "cleaning is woman's work" thing) then there's no changing his ways and you should just cut and run, but if it's the latter then maybe you have a fighting chance if you talk about ways to fairly balance your lives together. Not that he shouldn't have to clean if he makes more money than you, but if he feels like he's taking on more responsibilities in other areas of life then you need to talk it over and see if it's really balanced.
You need to lay it on the line for him. "BF, I love you and I want a future with you. But honestly, there are many times where I've thought about breaking up because I just can't stand being the only one who keeps our house neat. If you want our relationship to work out, then we have to do something about this NOW." And then see what happens. Give him a few weeks to try and fix it, but if it's clear that he's more interested in a maid than a girlfriend then it's probably time that you pack up and go.
The important thing is to follow through, though ... if you say you want to leave if he doesn't change his ways, and then he doesn't change and you don't leave, then he knows that all he has to do is out-stubborn you and he'll always win.
This sounds like my H. I remember when we first moved in together and I walked into the laundry room and he was just standing there staring at the washer like it was this gaint puzzle to be solved. At the time I thought it was funny, but he was really embarssed and he told me he wishes his mom would have at least shown him some basics before he moved out of hisa parents house!
First of all, you should know that many men don't think to clean up for company. My husband doesn't think it's important and nearly all of my male friends also do not.
I think my H is more intent on cleaning up for company than I am.
But my point is I wouldn't be mad if he doesn't have the initiative on his own to clean for your or his parents.
Really? I'd be really concerned if I was married to a guy who didn't think it was important to clean for company and make our house look nice. That's the sign of a mature adult who respects his home and doesn't want his friends to think he's a slob ... not a, "Tee hee, men are from Mars and women are from Venus!" type of thing.
I really want to know at what level your H and guy friends don't think cleaning is important. Do they normally keep a clean house and they just think that a quick once-over is sufficient (as opposed to, like, taking the day off work to scrub everything down with a toothbrush)? Or are you saying that they're A-O.K. with dust bunnies and dirty underpants strewn about, because they have penises and people with penises don't notice these little details?
I can totally relate!! I have lived with the BF for about two years now and cleaning is literally our only argument. I have super high expectations (I'm a virgo, so that's my excuse) and I have had to realize that no one else holds their standards as high as I do (except my mother! lol) When we have company I am scrubbing the place from top to bottom.. because I enjoy having a picture perfect house for company but I have learned to just let the everyday messiness go.
For example, I am the one making dinner most nights (I enjoy cooking) and if I don't want to do the dishes and he doesn't want to do the dishes I just make PB&Js or grilled cheese/ tomato soup that night. Once I let go of the expectations I had on him, it took the pressure of me too. Also, what I did was say ok, you are either going to help out more or pay for a maid twice a month. He will clean more when he's feeling cheap or pay up if he's feeling lazy.
Another thing we did that really helped out is divided up the house in equally tough sections to clean. For example our bedroom can become a clothes monster if I'm not careful so I am always responsible for the bedroom and he is always responsible for the kitchen. We each have a bathroom to clean, I have the living room and he takes the man cave/ office. He's young-ish and is still learning how to live away from Momma. Be patient because he will learn and change for the better if he really is in it for the long haul.
Ew, you just described what my ex-bf would say, scary. Especially this part where ''cleaning is the woman's job''.. even the barf. No wonder and (thank God) he's an ex has a long time. To the OP, you got great advices above, think about that and you'll see what's gonna work out, the relationship or you moving on.
This, except reversed! My fiance is a neat freak, I am sooooo not!! It was a struggle when we first moved in together but I respected him enough to at least try! There have definitely been some compromises and frustrations and I've said many many times "it's okay for our apartment to look like we live here!" but in the end I think the key is having respect and making an effort.
I would not be okay with my partner not caring that his actions are making me crazy! Him just straight up not caring is incredibly disrespectful and deal-breaker in my opinion.
So what are you going to do about it?
This all started on Tuesday but the blowout didn't happen until Wednesday night. When I went through most of my work day and hadn't spoken to him since the night before, he knew I was still mad. He apologized and I told him I don't want the apology because he's said it all before but clearly he's not sorry since it's still an arguement. Just a little side note- when we first started dating he would never actually utter the words "I'm sorry". He would do random things like switch out my windsheild wipers when it needed it to say he's sorry. The fact that he actually says it, is a step (as sad as that sounds). Needless to say, I didn't drop it so when he came home yesterday he helped me clean and then I refused to cook so I made him buy me dinner.
As far as his home life I didn't fully get into why I blame his upbringing to an extent. His SAHM is totally overbearing. Not in a malicious way at all, but (I'm not sure if any of you read when I posted this one) this is the woman who stayed at our home for a week and did OUR laundry. Inappropriate and uncalled for. But with a mom like that why would he have to do anything for himself?
To answer another PP, he has never said "your the woman the cleaning is your responsibility". I truly believe it's just a mix of laziness/ never having to do it before. Either way, I'm not having it. Our lease is up on Halloween and we decided to move back to our parents' houses and live separately in our home town. It's much more expensive there so this is the plan for a year to save money to be able to buy instead of renting. I think going back home will either make or break our relationship and there's only one way to find out.
Sorry I had 2 super long posts but I appreciate anyone who read it all!
Past that - to the above quote.... oh boy. You're both going to move back HOME for a year to save money? Honey, that isn't going to help you. Not one bit. He's going to go right back to the exact environment that has played a big role in how he is today, with you.
You all need to move out and live ON YOUR OWN, in your own apartment, before buying a home or getting married. He, more so than you, needs to learn what it is like to take care of himself - fully. From cooking to cleaning to doing laundry. His moving back to his mom is only going to set him back even further.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Yeah I think you have lots of good reasons to be mad. That would infuriate me and I absolutely would not stay with someone who was that disrespectful of me and our house on a daily basis. That said, this is what has worked for us:
I am of the mindset that you clean because you live here and who wants to live in a pigsty. Unfortunately messiness does not bother DH. Messiness/dirtiness makes me crazy. But DH knows it makes me crazy and that having a clean house is very important to me, so he cleans. IMO, its a sign of respect that he cares that this is important to me. That said, it impacts the division of labor and the way things get done. There are some things DH will clean on his own (kitchen) and other things I have to ask him to do (vacuuming). He hates cleaning the bathroom so I always do that. Basically I just asked him what chores he prefers to do, I tell him when they need to be done, and then I give him a timeline of when I would like for it to be done. Ie. Would you rather vacuum or clean the kitchen? Can you please do that by the end of the weekend? Certain things need to be done every day (dishes) and whoever cooks, the other person cleans. DH hates to do the dishes after dinner, but will do them the next morning before work. While I don't love waking up to a messy kitchen, as long as it gets done it's ok.
I do more cleaning, he does more of other chores around the house like paying bills and taking out the trash. I try and keep in mind that this plays into our division of labor and sense of fairness.
You have raised so many other issues here that will bite you in the butt. Never apologizing? Regardless of improvement, yikes! Overbearing Mom he won't set boundaries with? Yikes!
Lastly, if you cannot live together while renting an apartment, DO NOT BUY A HOUSE TOGETHER. That's taking a crappy situation and making it semi permanent without taking any steps to resolve the actual issue. Sending him back to live with Mommy who does everything for him is not going to teach him to take care of himself, according to the way you've described it. It means you will be stuck owning a house with someone who's bad habits are even further ingrained.
You're sending the recovering crackhead back to live in the crackhouse in the hopes that he won't take up smoking crack again?
This solution has success written all over it.