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Need advice on giving baby mother's last name over father's
My friend needs help and she doesn't get into the whole message board thing, so I said I'd help her out.
K is married and they have 3 children. She and her husband separated (not yet legally) but were still living together because neither had somewhere to go (they had recently moved for his job and had no friends and family close). K's husband had cheated on her in the past and she had just found out about it. Out of rebellion, my super "good girl" friend had sex one time with a mutual friend/aquaintance of theirs (he worked with her husband). She got pregnant. The biological father wanted to be in the picture, but said he understood if she didn't want to leave her husband.
She finally told her husband, and after months of talking things out, they decided to stay together. Husband wants to help raise the baby. K decided it was in the best interest of the baby to be given her last name (which of course by default is also her husband's last name) and nicely asked biological father to think about it, saying it was best for the baby and the siblings: for medical reasons, for benefits and insurance, etc. Bio dad flipped out and refused, then started stalking both her and her husband at work, making threats, etc. She filed a restraining order.
Now the baby is here, she gave him her last name. The biological dad is suing her to have the name changed to his last name and is asking for visitation. K is fine with the visitation, albeit supervised based on his previous stalking, but refuses to agree to a name change. So they are going to court. She cannot afford a lawyer.
So, she is trying to prepare herself in the best way possible to bring all reasons why this child should have her last name. It's not for personal or selfish reasons, she is definitely thinking of the child's best interest. And their baby has as much a right to her last name as to his. She even said she'd help him change his name if he wants to when he's older.
So she asked me to ask on this site the following questions, if any of you are in a similar situation:
If you gave your child the biological father's name, do you regret it? Is he no longer around? How does it affect your child to have a different last name than everyone else?
What benefits for a child can you see by giving it the same last name as the rest of the family in which he is raised?
Thanks. I know this was long and I appreciate it if you made it to the end.
Re: Need advice on giving baby mother's last name over father's
The baby should have the same last name as the rest of the family that he will be raised in.
I believe both parents should have equal rights and bio father hasn't given up or wants to give up any of those rights. I don't know about the name thing, if two parents disagree...I'm sure the courts have a fair way of deciding. I don't see where one benefits the kid over the other,, especially since this will be out in the open anyways.
Who did she list as the father on the birth certificate?
~Benjamin Franklin
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Also - side note: K's husband is a really good person and father. He already loves this new baby, even though I know how hard it is for him. He may have cheated on her in the past, but their relationship was different then. Both have vowed to make it work and are seeing a therapist.
I don't feel sorry for the baby. While his early life may be tangled in court battles, he's very loved. And honestly, I don't think this biological dad is going to stay for the long haul. His lawyer even said he doesn't want custody or overnight visitation, just day visits and the right to his last name.
Well that might be a losing cause. I am not a lawyer or anything but I think the judge would do what is in the best interest of the child which is have the same last name as the rest of his family and not his sperm donor. Honestly, you know that is all that this guy is.
However, if he does have a lawyer then your friend might have to find a way to pay for one as well.
Has it been determined who the dad is based on DNA testing rather than conjecture?
The bio dad has some rights here, but I don't know that naming is one of them. It's a child not a football stadium. He certainly has a right to be an involved parent and a right to pay child support. If he stays an active and loving father, perhaps the child will take his name as an adult.
Quite frankly I know a lot of very well loved children who carry a different name than their mother and sibs and it doesn't matter to them.
And I do feel sorry for this child, the adults in his life have a history of behaving badly and will likely do so again when the opportunity presents itself. And they don't appear to have the resources to care for him. If they can't afford an attorney for this, I'm guessing the don't have a will either and that mom's death would result in this child being taken away from his half sibs and the man who is their father. And that just sucks.
I, too, feel for the kid.
And I also feel bad for the biological dad. I feel like he is getting shiton, honestly. If he wants to be an active member of the kid's life, there is no reason to confuse the kid into thinking "Dad" is someone else. As for insurance, benefits, etc.... if bio dad wants to be responsible, I think he should be able to be... and Mom doesn't have the right to choose otherwise. Just my opinion.
FET - transferred two embryos (boy and girl) - Nov 2014 - BFP!
There are a lot of issues going on here.. and I'm not sure which to address. One, the name is already there, on the birth certificate and that's that. Either way this cannot be erased because the child may be able to eventually find out that his birth certificate was changed for amended.
She doesn't really need an attorney. She can represent herself. Or she can see if she is entitled to legal aid, if they even cover these types of matters.
She could always hyphenate the child's name - either way, it's a name change and name changes here are not cheap!
I'm on the fence about a child needing to have the same last name as everyone else in the family. Maybe because growing up many of my friends had half siblings or divorced parents and kept the name of the biological parent and not the step parent.
Will the child find out and know who the biological father is? The child may wonder not why he did not have the same last name as the rest of the family, but why the child didnt have the name as his biological father.
The biological father is not only entitled to visitation but can petition for joint physical custody or full physical custody we well - and if the father won it would make the issue of having the same name as the rest of the family a moot point.
I think they should leave it as it is for now and put their money and their time into their child.
I think mom is being a little selfish, she's making HER problems the child's. I doubt the last name was the real issue here, it sounds like she's trying to cover up her "mistake" and hopes by putting up walls that biodad will just magically go away so she can have her picture-perfect family again.
You are intentionally making mom sound like an angel (i.e. nicely said, "good girl") and making biodad out to be a villian (i.e. flipped out, stalking), I'm guessing there's a lot more to this story but reality is this child and father both have the right to know eachother, mom is screwing over both of them!
Is this guy paying child support? Tell her to call legal aid.
I see the child not having to find out early in life that he was the product of an affair. They can tell him when he is older, but if his name is different then it is going to come up sooner and often.
It definitely is easier to travel when the family has the same last name. Even married bio parents can give the child the mother's maiden name. Why is he so hell bent on stamping his name on the child when he knew she was going to stay with her husband? She needs to stop talking to him and promising him stuff. Document all the stalking and if any threats, etc.
1st.
The mother is married while the baby was born. The husband is the legally assumed father and is the one with paternal rights. NOT the biofather (if he is indeed the dna tested father)
2nd.
Because the child was born into wedlock and there is a legally presumed father on the birth certificate, even if the "biofather" was waving 110% DNA testing proof the courts would first have to terminate the legally assumed fathers rights at the request of the legally assumed father.
3rd
She can't file for CS from the "biofather" because he has no rights to the child and is not legally responsible for the child. The husband is and if they decided later that the marriage isnt' going to work he would have to pay CS for the child or see #2 above.
Summary:
The child in the eyes of the law is the Married People's baby. The husband is the legal and responsible father. Affair has no rights to the baby or the naming of the baby.
There is a blended families board on the Bump and a single parenting board both of these boards deal w/ child support and paternity questions.
Personally, I think it makes sense for the child to have the same last name as the primary caregiver. Here, that seems to be the mother.
In New York State, the child is assumed to be the husbands and carries his name unless something is filed to challange paternity.
In this case, I would leave he child with the family name unless the birth father brings legal action to fight it, If that happened, I would feel very sorry for the child. Adults make mistakes and that's okay. To place your mistakes over the head of an inocent child is just plain wrong
I think they are all asshats and that the biofather is indeed getting fvcuked.
Dad cheated, Mom cheated... who is to say that this "new marriage" is going to last?
I predict that in a few years when things aren't so rosy that there are going to be more issues than the kid's last name.
Thanks for all your responses.
By good girl, I meant that my friend has always been a loving wife and a VERY good mother to her children. Her intentions are always her children.
She is not at all trying to hide her mistake or trying to trick the baby into thinking he is her husband's. She knows that her son will visit with his biological dad and his family and will know them. However, why does that automatically mean this child should have his last name. The paternal passing of a name is a tradition, not a law in any state.
Unfortunately I know other issues will come up as this child grows. She's aware of that. But she has to take each step as it comes. This is the first one.
Banging someone else while she's still married to her husband, and getting knocked up by this guy, is not acting in the best interests of her children. She behaved recklessly, got caught in her recklessness, and this is going to impact the new child as well as the older children, for years to come.
I'd be furious if I were the father of the child. He's not the 'biodad', he's the dad. He's going to an awful lot of trouble and expense to annoy the mother of his child if all he wants to do is dump the kid off on her.
She should be lawyering up; he's likely to get extended visitation times. Time for her to get used to the idea.
And 'she only had sex one time to get even' my asss. This was an affair.
FWIW here's DHs story. His mom (D) was dating his bio father (K) and they had DH. Not long after they split. K said he wanted to be in DHs life but understood if DH took on her maiden name. When DH was 4 D married B and they had a little girl. D decided it would be best for DH to have the same last name as the rest of the family. K fought it repeatedly but was bombarded by Ds family and asked to sign over rights and creep away into the shadows. After months of arguing he caved. Chit happened with that marriage but its beside the point.
DH grew up believing that B was his bio father and at 17yo found out otherwise. He was furious! Everything he had learned about his past, his heritage, etc was a lie. He was very proud of his half Irish half Native American hertiage before he learned he is actually fullblown Irish. DH asked D to set up a time for him and K to meet and from there they formed an amazing relationship. However the relationship he had with his mother and her side of the family turned sour. At the age of 24 he told his mom that he was changing his last name to what it should have been years ago.
My point being that regardless of what happened and how it happened. The guy on this side is this childs father and one day that will come to light and it could turn ugly for your friend. I'm not a liar and I would certainly never lie to my family and thats exactly what she is doing. She'd be raising her child in a lie. I say she man up to what she did and allow this childs FATHER to be apart of their life b/c no matter how many lies she tells, her husband can be dad but will never be its father.
People are inherently stupid. Weddings make it painfully obvious -- KevinandMonica
My two cents-My parents divorced when I was a baby and I had my father's name, but always lived with my mother. When she got remarried, I was the only one with a different name in the home. I didn't like it.
In Pennsylvania, both parents have to sign off and agree to change a last name after it has already been put on the birth certificate. I don't think she needs a lawyer for this issue, but she may want to find out what her rights are in the state.
If the mother is married, then her husband is the legal father. It's a matter of law.
It's important to realize that paternity tests are a fairly new option. Until very recently, it wasn't even an option to determine "who" the bio father is. Nonetheless, it is a matter of law that the man married to the woman giving birth is the legal father.
If the other man sues, he must establish paternity, in a court of law, and if granted (this is not guaranteed) will be responsible as a parent - including child support and a custody/visitation schedule. He's doesn't just get to just play at this with picking the baby's last name and a few hours visitation when it's convenient.
She has to get a lawyer. She's a fool to think she can represent herself in court. If nothing else, this child needs legal representation. I hope the court assigns the child a guardian ad litem. That shouldn't be a cost to her but this child desperately needs real legal representation - for THE BABY'S best interest.