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Problems with my dad
I haven't spoken to my dad in over a month. Last time we spoke he chewed me out for the entire phone call because I didn't send my mom a card or birthday gift. He lashed out at me and said some very hurtful things and touched on a lot of sensitive areas. He gave me almost no opportunity to defend myself or even speak. He got what he needed to say out and then pretty much hung up. The phone call devastated me. I was a mess for the rest of the weekend.
Yes, I should have sent my mom a gift, but due to my lack of planning and the fact that I live far away I didn't send anything. I figured I would get her something later. The week of her birthday I was also having an incredibly bad week, which my mom knows about and I think she understands why I wasn't exactly on top of things. I always get her a gift for Mother's Day and Christmas, but I have slacked a bit on b-days in the last couple years. I did end up sending a gift and a card asap.
My dad puts my mom on a pedestal (although he certainly doesn't always treat her that way) and thinks my brother and I are spoiled, pieces of shitt, for lack of a better a word. He grew up very poor and has always begrudged my brother and I for growing up with things he didn't have. He's never praised me or acted proud of me but he's always been very quick to point out what he doesn't like. He says I don't call my mom enough, which is partly true, but she doesn't call me either. My mom has no idea this conversation took place - he said she would be embarrassed that he had to remind my brother and I to send a gift.
I feel that my dad is willing to destroy our
relationship so that I start being a better daughter to my mom. Never in
a million years would I have thought he would get so angry with me over
a birthday gift. He obviously has a lot of pent up anger towards me. I
have anger towards him too, I just don't express it because I try to
keep the peace. Whenever I'm visiting my parents, he doesn't make a
point to spend time with me or even with my mom and I. He's content that
my mom and I have time our together. I should also mention that my mom has pretty serious health issues.
Interestingly enough, I
flew across the country to celebrate his birthday/their anniversary. I got him a gift, which he
didn't thank me for. He actually spent most of his birthday drunk. I
didn't see him until the very end of the night as he stumbled back to
the hotel room. Yes, he is a functioning alcoholic.
I think my brother told my dad to call me because he tried to
call me last week. And he just tried to call again today. Both times
I've been at work and just can't deal with an emotional conversation. I
have no idea what to say to him.
I want to resolve this just so I don't have it hanging over me,
but I am still so angry with him about the things he said and the way he
handled it. I don't know what to do. He intimidates me and I never want to subject myself to another (what I consider abusive) phone call like that. Thanks for reading.
Re: Problems with my dad
Are you in counseling or attending Al-Anon meetings? Either one or both would be a good idea.
Only you can decide if you need to be a better daughter to your mother, but you shouldn't let your father's nasty words influence you. Honestly it sounds like he uses her as an excuse to treat you like shi!t- he can say any nasty thing he wants to, but as long as its in the name of looking out for his wife, he's not a bad guy.
Being his daughter does not mean you have to put up with his abusive words- if he can't treat you with respect I would not continue a relationship of any kind with him.
I am curious what he got your mom for her birthday. Not that is matters but IME he probably got her nothing and instead of owning up to it, he put it all on you kids.
My dad can be pretty domineering and uses yelling to get his way. I finally had enough and am not afraid of him yelling at me anymore. I have found the confidence to stand up for myself and don't allow myself to be yelled at or even explain myself anymore. I have to say it is quite freeing.
Honestly it seems like your dad can tell that your mom is unhappy being married to him. However, instead of owning up to the part he plays in the bad marriage, he uses you kids as a scapegoat.
Please listen to the PP's advice about seeking counseling for yourself. Hopefully, they will give you the tools to stand up for yourself.
I start individual therapy next week. It will be the first time I've ever gone to a therapist. I was hoping to talk to her before I have to talk to my dad, but I'm afraid I might have to deal with him before our session if we can even cover everything during the first visit.
If he knew I was going to therapy, he would laugh as he doesn't think I have any "real" problems. My mother's health is very stressful for everyone, especially my dad. I'm pretty sure he drinks more because of it. I say he is a functioning alcoholic because he always provided for our family/was successful in his career. My mom covered up his drinking for a long time. God, it's all so dysfunctional.
My mom is a wonderful person, but so am I. I just wish he could see that and acknowledge it.
You've hit the nail on the head. My mom is very unhappy being married to him. I think a big part of why he blew up at us (my brother received a similar phone call) is that he knows how much she loves her kids and that we make her happy. During the anniversary "celebration" all my mom did was complain to me about how unhappy she was. She won't leave him especially with her health issues.
I don't know what he bought her, but I would love to know as well. He usually asks his sister to buy something for her. I doubt he has every purchased a birthday card for anyone in his life. If it was left up to him, my brother and I wouldn't receive anything - he leaves it up to my mom to handle.
Your dad was way out of line. I'm sorry.
You don't have to deal with him before you go to therapy. It's your decision. If you feel like you need the therapist's guidance/perspective before you take his calls again, that's perfectly fine.
I wish I could offer more. I'm just sorry you're dealing with this. Hang in there.
Hmmm, I thought so. Listen, your dad probably treated your mom badly on her birthday and upset her. Instead of thinking " Man, I am a jerk and need to apologize" he thought " well it's those damn kids fault, they are the reason she is upset today." I am willing to bet you money that your mom wasn't upset with you at all. If you did talk to her about it, you would probably find out he did something douchbaggy.
That means you can't take what he says seriously, not seriously at all. His phone call was all about him and not about you at all. He was simply trying to pass the buck onto you. Please don't listen to a word he said. It is not the truth.
I am willing to bet that your dad is a lot like mine. Mine isn't an alcoholic but he can not handle constructive criticism at all. Not at all. Everyone who questions what he does is stupid, wrong or out to get him. Lately, my dad has been in counseling for his behavior and has gotten better but I have learned that the best way to handle him is to stand up for myself and not take the attitude or the yelling at all. I simply get up and leave or tell him I am not going to discuss it with him anymore. He actually backs off when he knows I mean business and that I am not the little girl who used to cower in the corner and say " whatever" when he yells at me.
If you knew all of the above, why didn't you get her a gift or even a card?
Sounds to me that she has a lot on her plate as is
I'm not sure what you mean by "knew all of the above." That my dad is an alcoholic and that my mom is unhappy? Yes, I absolutely should have planned better and sent a card and/or gift. By the time I realized I needed to get her something, it was too late to get it there in time (I live several states away). I don't want to make this a tit for tat, but my parents have not spent one birthday with me in the last sixteen years. My mom puts a card with money in the mail and calls it a day.
I've taken steps to be more prepared in the future by buying some b-day cards so I have a stash and I will keep my eye out for gifts she would like throughout the year so I'm not scrambling to get her something next year. I just wish my dad had handled this a whole better. He could have called me the week before and said "Hey, just please make sure you send your mom something. It really means a lot to her - she been kind of down lately." and the problem would have solved.
This is obviously about more than just a birthday gift. I really appreciate everyone's responses. It's made me feel better because I've been beating myself up even though I know my dad was out of line and he has his own issues to work on.
stw_77 - It's great that your dad is in counseling. That is something my dad would never do - he's old school. The first Christmas after my mom's first major health issue, my dad went to the casino, got drunk, and didn't come home until my brother went there and got him. I was so angry that he ruined what was supposed to be a special holiday, I actually did tell him he was an alcoholic that night. It's the first time anyone in my family had put that label on him. Before we just called it "drinking too much." So I know I'm capable of confronting him, I just need to get better at it
Complicating things though is that I don't like to upset my mom because of her poor health, so I tend to grin and bear a lot to keep the peace in our family.
Thanks again, everyone.
*edited for typo
It sounds like your Dad has some very serious issues that aren't going to be resolved overnight, probably not ever. I think you need to accept he will always be this way and work around it so that you have as healthy a relationship with him as possible. If you want to have a relationship with him at all. But I would make it clear that he can voice concerns and you will listen so long as he does it in a non aggressive manner, the minute he starts to attack you, you will hang up the phone, leave the room, whatever.
That said, I do think there is some validity to his feelings on this particular issue regarding your Mom's illness. First, I assume that you all live kind of far away which means he is her primary caretaker. That is an incredibly stressful role to take on. Second, just because your Mom doesn't voice hurt feelings to you doesn't mean she doesn't have them. Even when my Mom was sick and dying she never wanted to interfere or bother us. I always went out of my way to call her or visit because she was my Mom and I loved her and wanted her to know how important she was. Now that she's gone I still have regrets about not spending more time with her, I would not wish that feeling on anyone.