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my friend's new boyfriend
i knew when they started dating that she was having fun with a new guy and was happy for her. she doesn't date a ton and most of the guys she dates arent right for her. her past bf's were recently seperated, unstable or really immature. so anyway, i was talking with her and my other bff on the phone (they live in l.a.) and was bummed to hear she was still seeing him. he is in a religion/culture where he has made it clear there is no future for them because he must marry a woman from that religion/culture. she is fully aware/accepting of that. she said she is enjoying his company but i have never seen her able to be casual with anyone. i know this may sound cheesy but when you're 38 you feel like 40 is looming. i just think messing around with someone who is so clearly unavailable is a bad idea. it's like she is getting side tracked. i think when you get involved with anyone you are not out there and open to an opportunity with someone who is available. i just dont want her to wake up and realize the window for a family has closed and she should have been if not more agressive than at least more available/open to available men.
i did sort of say "hmmmmm..." when she was talking so she knew i wasnt siked about the idea but i didnt go into my concerns. so i dont know - am i being silly/projecting because fertility is on my mind and should i relax because she is just having fun? or do you agree that after a certain age it can be irresponsible to spend time with the wrong guy? ultimately she can do whatever she wants but i just want the best for her and dont want her to have regrets. i am not really looking for advice on talking to her or something like that (i have no problem talking her, just not sure it's my business). i am more curious if you think like me or if you think i am silly to be concerned. maybe she is just having fun and i should lighten up? thoughts?
Re: my friend's new boyfriend
Honestly, it sounds like you might be projecting a bit. I hear you on only wanting her to be long-term happy and am sure you are a great friend. But thinking she might be "irresponsible", I don't know, that sounds kind of harsh.
I guess I look at it more like this, yeah if you're in your 30s, totally single, and you'd like to (in a happy, healthy not psycho obsessed way) get married and have kids, it makes sense to long-term date people w/ compatible goals. But that said, as we all know, there are no guarantees-- waiting to date only a perfectly compatible person might mean you're alone for a heck of a long time. So I can see spending time with someone whose company you enjoy, even if you know it's not forever. It's nice to have a companion-- a life companion is ideal, but I wouldn't necessarily only date people that I thought we're going to be life companions.
As far as kids go-- it's so personal, it's hard to say. If she really wanted them, I imagine she might consider a donor and/or adoption. Otherwise, she might just be more on the fence-- I'd only want to have kids w/ a long-term partner/spouse. If I don't have a longer-term partner, than I'm ok w/o kids.
I think as long as he and she are being honest with each other about their feelings and their expectations, the relationship is ok. Might not be the relationship I'd personally get into, but I could see the appeal.
Anyway, just my POV and not meaning to slam wrt 'projection', it's just it sounds like she's more middle of the road on the fence about having kids, from what you've described.
My Profile
I know what you mean. I don't care about "perfectly compatible" but someone with a possible future would be better imo. I mean she gets really over the top involved during and after her relationships and they usually take years to get over/disect. i don't want her to go through all that when there's no chance for a future. just seems like she's wasting my time. but that's why i didn't say anything because it's her life.
agreed. i should have been more clear. by "sure she hasn't changed her mind" it's because we've talked at length about this for years (including recently). we're very close.
Yah I would say it could be a little projecting but based on what you have said she could really think in her head that she can change his mind and is just telling folks she's having fun...when in reality he won't change his mind.
So I can understand that for years she's been saying she wants marriage and kids and she's with someone who she can't have that with.
Hopefully she is happy but see's it as temporary and is open to dating other people if that arises.
So, I'm not as old as your friend, but I'm kind of in this boat. Right now I'm sort of kind of seeing a guy, very casually. We'll lets face it. We're sleeping together. That is all. We were both up front about our intentions and have so far stuck to it. But I think I see something kind of growing there, and I think he does too. Thing is, the reason why we're keeping it so casual is because we know we don't really have a chance (for several reasons) but are choosing to enjoy each other's company right now. I'm conflicted about this. I know I'm going to get hurt. I know it. But, right now I choose to at least have someone to talk to/be with over no one. Will I regret this one day? Maybe. But I guess I'm willing to risk it. Except for when I'm at work, I'm alone all.the.time now and it sucks. So this is how I'm filling the void. Right or wrong it works for me right now. And that's all that matters. Don't really care about how my friends feel, and trust me...they've voiced their opinions. But they're to busy with their husbands and kids to really make time for me, which I understand so it is what it is.