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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
what would you do if your husband got a DUI?
hypothetically. I'm not talking about anyone I know. I'll make up a story so you can make a decision.
He's 33, has a house, a good job with a financial institution, a wife, a kid, etc. etc. etc. He goes out with a friend, has a few beers, drives home, gets pulled over and gets a DUI. How would you react?
Re: what would you do if your husband got a DUI?
I'd be pretty angry with him for being so irresponsible and really worried since he isn't the type. I would by no means hold one mistake over his head, but I'd probably let his ass sit in jail for awhile to think it over.
If it happened more than once, I'd have major concerns though.
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That too. I have soooo many friends who have gotten DUI's and then b!tch about how much cash they have to shell out afterwards.
Seriously? Don't be a dumbass and drive after you've had several cocktails or a six pack, then you wouldn't have to pay to get your car out of the impound lot!
I don't get this question. What is there to "do"? He's a grown adult. He makes his own decisions and he pays the consequences of those decisions. Do I have to agree with his decisions? No, but I'm not his mom and he's not my kid and I'm not going to treat him like a child.
Yes, but when you are married those decisions and consequences don't just affect him, but his partner and children as well. There is where my concern lies. I don't treat my husband as a child, but if his (or my) decisions negatively affect our lives or our children's lives, then we have issues.
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I agree, but that wasn't the OP's question.
I could see having a discussion about how it's not appropriate behavior, why didn't he call someone (me), take a taxi, etc. And go from there. Or if the concern is about the money then how are we going to pay for it? And come up with the solution together and if he chooses to get a second job as part of that solution well okay. But to "make him get a second job" um yeah...hello, mommy dearest. Or let him sit in jail? Way to scream I love you even when you make a mistake.
OP's question was "How would you react?". Thats how I would react. His actions prompts my reaction. Can you honestly say you wouldn't be angry or upset if your husband got a DUI? Your honestly reaction would be c'est la vie?
Oh and my husband knows I love him. My concern for him, his wellbeing and our family proves that.
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so that is what you would do - you would sit down and have a conversation.
I would probably let him sit in jail because nothing says I love you like a DUI!
Honestly I guess it depends. Is he routinely the type to have a drink or two, then get in the car? Often, when people get pulled over, it's NOT the first time they have driven under the influence, it's just the first time they have been caught.
But, if it really was a one-time thing, that would be different, I guess.
I would be upset and disappointed...maybe a little bit angry. But in the end, I think I'd chalk it up to, "We all make mistakes, and some of them are expensive, but let's just be thankful that this one only resulted in fines and nobody got hurt." And we'd come up with a plan to make sure it never happened again.
My sister was hit by a drunk driver (she's OK! Well, mostly. She actually does have some permanent inner ear damage which gives her very bad vertigo and nausea and it affects her on a daily basis, but I digress), so I would be SO RIPSH!T ANGRY at first, I have no idea how I would react. The fact that he could CHOOSE (remember this isn't an accident!) to potentially inflict that pain on someone else would send me over the edge, especially since it wouldn't have been that big of a deal to call me to get him or take a cab home.
As for what I would do (as opposed to how i feel), I would probably give him the silent treatment for a bit, yell at him about being irresponsible for a bit and then spend the same amount of $$$ that he will spend fixing it on some designer shoes, LOL.
I dont know what i would do perse but i do know i would be furious - a DUI could potentially get my husband demoted which would change our income and possibly get his orders deleted so the consequence would be so much more for us.
I would definitely tell him how disappointed i am in him.
It would be so out of character that I'm not sure what I'd do. I think he'd know what a stupid thing it is to do. Not only are you risking the lives of completely innocent people, but in my husband's case he cannot do his job without a clean driving license. Me either - I have to give my employer a copy of my license so that they know it's spotless. Never worth the risk to not get a taxi or a hotel for the night, even if it's a hundred pounds or so.
So, I'd be very disappointed, but it would be out of character. DH knows he could call me to pick him up from anywhere, or use the house account to grab a room.
ETA: getting drunk is usually a planned exercise now that we have a dog. Gone are the days that we'll stay out randomly til all hours and would be somewhere that we've driven. Someone needs to be minding the pooch, so if we are planning on a night out then we kennel the pooch or make arrangements for how we get home after a few drinks. It's more of a case that we don't drive anywhere if we are both having a drink, otherwise one person stays sober (like if we are driving to a gig). Drinking is not random for us these days.
I'd laugh until the shock wore off, then I'd be furious. I'd probably bail him out of jail just to yell at him. Something along the lines of "How could you be so effing stupid", then we'd sit down and have a discussion about how to pay the fines.
That being said... DH doesn't drink at all, and he doesn't even have a driver's license. He has no business being behind the wheel of a car in the first place, drunk or not.
I would flip my shitz.
But like neeps said, what is there to do?
It would be completely out of character and I would be upset. There are so many options: call me, call a friend, call a cab, get a hotel room.
I wouldn't let him sit in jail, but I would be very disappointed and concerned. There would be a very serious discussion.
My first reaction would be to call him an attorney. As for my feelings about it, that would depend upon his feelings. I wouldn't be happy, but my H is his own worst critic when he's made a mistake of any kind so I doubt I'd go off on him or anything like that.
ETA: If it happened a second time we'd be done.
I'd be shocked and surprised, since he absolutely never drinks before he drives. I'd be upset because he was in a very serious accident years back (from which he still has a big scar on his forehead) with a drunk vacationer in southern Spain.
I would be shocked since DH doesn't drink a lot- just red wine with dinner.
Then I'd be pretty mad. I'd be mad at the fact that he could've injured or killed someone. I may get flamed for this, but I find drunk drivers selfish for this reason. It's a lack of respect for other lives on the road.
I've had a few exes in the past that had DUI/DWIs (I guess I attract drunks, lol) and in the end I ultimately broke up with them because of that and the drinking. Grow up already was my thinking.
I don't think I would divorce DH, but it would definitely make me think twice about what kind of person he is to do that
Sorry if that's harsh.
I agree with this. I'd be really sad and disappointed. If the drunk driving (since those who get caught are often those who do it often) were something I saw as a chronic issue, I'd ask him to seek counselling.
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I'm with TotZiens in being ripshit angry. I'd be hoping he got to sit in the drunk tank all night and learn a f'ing lesson. What kind of responsible adult drives drunk?! Honestly, its disgusting behavior.
It would probably take me a long time to trust him again becuase that sort of behavior, to me, violates the trust I place in him to do the right thing for himself, me and our family. It jeopardizes our entire life together and behavior like that I don't take lightly.
First time? Extremely pissed off that he put himself and other people in danger. Then I'd get on the phone to a good defense lawyer a.s.a.p.
Second time or more? To me that's a sign of a serious problem (either alcoholism or lack of respect for life and the law), so our continuing relationship would require treatment of some kind for him.
I'd be pissed and scared. Pissed because we've talked about this topic multiple times. In Bahrain he won't have anything to drink, period, if he is the one driving. Vice versa if I am the one driving. They have a strict 0.00000000% limit. In the States he would have one drink, two if we were going to be out quite a while, and make sure it was finished at least an hour before driving. I'd be scared because a DUI for him means his Navy career is over and suddenly. Our lives would be turned upsidedown, plans shattered, and our situation thrown into the unknown.
We're the type who would rather get a 3am phone call from a friend to go get them then for them to drive under the influence. Before kids it was known that we would absolutely call the other if needed. Now, it's carry more than enough money for a cab ride home. We figure it's so much cheaper than the cost and consequences of a DUI.