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Sibling vent (long)
Little background: My little brother is 26 years old, no education, never held a job more than a few months, lives off my family in my hometown, always gets in trouble with the law, and completely irresponsible. That being said, I do love the guy and really hope he succeeds.
I learned a long time ago to not trust what he says or put my hopes into the latest scheme because he always disappoints. Every time. My mother on the other hand babies the hell out of him, lets him mooch and trusts he will change--even to the detriment of her marriage to my stepdad.
Now she's trying to convince my little brother to move to Atlanta to get a fresh start and he is seriously considering it. I see late night phone calls begging for money, him living with us, us having to pick him up and take him places, feeding him, clothing him, etc. if he moves to Atlanta. I will be responsible for him. I don't want that especially with our first baby on the way.
I know it isn't my decision and I know we will make due with whatever the situation may be, but I am livid my mom thinks this is a good idea. He does that stuff to her, what makes her think he won't do it to us?
I see a train barreling down and there is nothing I can do about it. I can't just tell him he can't live in the same city as me. He's going to do whatever he wants anyway. WWYD?
Re: Sibling vent (long)
Wow, that stinks! I wouldn't tell him that he can't live there, since that will probably only bring resentment. I'd just be supportive, but I would NOT let him with you or give him money...nor would I be his personal taxi service. Just treat him the way you wish your mom would treat him and hopefully he'll grow up!
Good luck!
The big sister guilt gets me every time though. I can't just let him live with no food in his house and wander around Atlanta homeless. He's done it before. I found out he was living without power for 2 weeks and no food when he spent a few months in South Carolina. What did we do? Send him money and pick him up 7 hours away.
My Israel Blog!
Not offended at all. I have always wondered if there was some mental illness there, but can't put my finger on anything specific. He had some developmental delays when he was growing up, but everyone said he'd grow out of it. He just never matured at the same level as his peers. He's been to therapy and has seen doctors, but no one has ever mentioned anything that could be "treated".
Now I think it is just compounded by my mother always baby-ing him too. I don't know. I feel like such a terrible sister, but I really can't be responsible for his antics.
My Israel Blog!
Best thing you can do is give him a 'hand up, not a hand out'. Don't let him live with you, but advise him best on housing situation and employment in the area. He's 26 and unless he has a mental illness then he needs to learn to cope.
If he really wants to do better in life and you can advise him, then do it but don't let it take over your life or you will resent him.
First off, I'd call my mom and ask her flat out why she thinks it's such a great idea for a person with a history of problems (including living without food and electricity for 2 weeks) to just up and move to a random city with no job prospects or savings to help him get by until he has a job (I'm assuming, based on your description, that he doesn't have savings). Maybe your mom will admit she can't handle him anymore, and it's her passive-aggressive way of dealing with it (not that she'll likely say it in so many words). I doubt she wants to send your brother to go mooch off of you, but it sounds like she wants him gone and to her it probably makes her feel better that he wouldn't be completely alone if his sister is in the same city (i.e. less guilt on her end). I think you need to level with her about why this isn't a good idea, and then you should both do your brother a favor and actually try and come up with constructive ways to help him. Has he seen a counselor? Perhaps he does have an undiagnosed mental illness that needs treatment (living without food and electricity for 2 weeks and not seeking out help immediately is a big red flag to me that there's something there that needs treating). At the very least, maybe he needs a counselor who will help him deal with his inability to mature, and then help him find the resources to secure a stable job.
Obviously you're free to ignore that advice, in which case if he does move to Atlanta I'd say you have to be cruel to be kind. Otherwise you're going to be adopting a full grown baby just as you have an infant coming into your lives.
Yep, no savings, but he does have a minimum wage job lined up that probably won't last for more than a few months. Who can live in a big city on minimum wage anyway?
I know my mom feels more comfortable encouraging him to come live in Atlanta because I am there, but I don't think she is "pawning" him off. She'd let him live with her forever if it weren't causing rifts in her marriage.
I will talk to her about it, but again...I can't exactly tell him he can't move to a city just because I live there.
He has been to a counselor, but he says it doesn't help and there is nothing wrong with him. We've paid for sessions, my mother has paid for sessions, but we can't force him to go.
I guess there really isn't much I can do and I dread it. I just hate it for him, for us, for my mom.
My Israel Blog!
Sorry, but I think your mom is pawning him off on you, whether you want to believe it or not. If not, why couldn't she suggest any other city in the country for him to go and try to make it on his own. She is trying to relieve her guilt of choosing her marriage over him and figures if you are around, you can take care of him. She is banking on your guilt & responsible nature.
I would have a conference call with your mom & bro and let everyone know what you are and aren't willing to do. Let him know he is responsible for himself and you will not be bailing him out, paying his bills, picking him up at all hours of the night, letting him stay with you, etc. You are pregnant and as much as you love him, your first responsibility (health, time, $, safe environment, etc.) is to your family.
I think tough love is the only way to go on this one. Hope it turns out for the best.
I see a train barreling down and there is nothing I can do about it. I can't just tell him he can't live in the same city as me. He's going to do whatever he wants anyway. WWYD?
You can do something about your choices. You can't do anything about his choices. There is a huge difference. He is an adult. He needs to be responsible for himself. He needs to face the consequences, positive and negative, of his actions. He may need to fall way, way, way down in order to feel the frying pan hitting him over the head.
You need to honor your marriage above picking up your little brothers pieces. You need to be a parent to your baby instead of enabling him. You need to set boundaries that are healthy for your family (you, DH, baby, future babies). You need to maintain boundaries that exemplify how you will raise your kids. If you can't have boundaries with someone who doesn't even live under your roof, how will you maintain boundaries with a 13-year old child? What will that teach them?
He is your little brother, you love him, but he has to figure this out. I send you a big hug and wish you luck. It's so hard when it's someone you love going through something rough. Can totally feel like it's easier to "fix" the situation but doesn't mean that is better than letting them actually learn a life lesson.
Thanks ladies. Hi I'm Shekels and I'm an enabler. It runs in the family I guess.
It is so hard and breaks my heart to a million pieces to think of him suffering, but you are absolutely right my husband and my baby come first. I can't afford the time, money or sanity to raise a 26 year old man.
I just need to suck it up and have a conversation with both of them. I know. It will be so hard to say no to him and I'm scared I'll lose my resolve when he is actually in the same city, looking me in the face, asking me to help him again. It is easy half a world away.
T&Ps for some good conversations.
My Israel Blog!
I hav an ex in ATL who makes it on minimum wage and sounds a bit like your brother in some respects.
Maibe let him do what he wants but just stand your ground on not being walked over, if he needs money you could give him a job to do to help you out and pay him?
My sister is still scrounging off my parents to an extent and she lives in GA and they are over here with me!
Sorry to hear you are going through this. I'd recommend getting a copy of 'Codependent No More.' It is very helpful at showing what healthy behavior looks like. It goes into how to set boundaries and why that is important. It has some content (including a dedicated chapter) that deals specifically with family relationships, and also some more general content.
http://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1314045795&sr=1-1
I am sorry you're dealing with this. No more advice, since I think everyone pretty much summed up what I was thinking, but I will send you lots of good thoughts and hugs! I know the conversation will be hard, but it'll get easier the more you stand your ground with this. Just remember, though it will suck at first, you're really doing what's best for him in the long run.
(((Hugs))) Sheks, family can be really hard.
I think you need to sit down with your husband and decide exactly what you are and aren't prepared to do. Make a list and stick to it. I know its going to be really hard but honestly, until your brother is forced to, he's not going to take care of himself. Sometimes you just have to let someone hit bottom before they pick themselves up. I definitely agree that he shouldn't get something for nothing - if you decide you will give him money sometimes, make sure he works for it. Or just set aside a day to drive him around and apply for jobs. Once you set a precedent for what you'll do, it will get easier, I promise.
Right now, your priority has to be on your husband and your future baby, whatever is left over after those needs are met are for discussion, y'know?
Really keeping my fingers crossed that it all works out, maybe it really will be helpful for your brother to live in another city and he'll straighten himself out.
BFP Apr 2012, EDD Dec 19 2012 * twin h/b at 6wk, 9wk scan * Baby A lost at 12wks, Baby B was my rainbow born at 36wks