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Thoughts on Cheating - C&P
I was lurking on another board for entertainment and saw a C&P to this bump thread about what is considered cheating.
http://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/57169815.aspx
I'm a pretty sensitive person, but some of this was just over the top... any time spent one on one with someone of the opposite sex? I have close friends who are guys, and H has close friends who are girls and I would never think twice if he went to lunch or dinner with one of them.
Or what happens when a situation comes up like Monday night, I was in Bangkok on business with a male co-worker and we got dinner after our meeting. Would that not be allowed?
I guess I'm just wondering if anyone agrees strict rules like that. I tend to believe that if you need those guidelines, the trust isn't there, but I could be wrong.
Re: Thoughts on Cheating - C&P
Hmm...I am not sure. Defining cheating is very personal and subjective. I think every situation is different. I do agree mostly cheating could be defined as something my DH would not want to do in front of me, with another girl...romantic kissing, hugging, sex (obv.)
My DH and I are very close (meaning we spend pretty much 24/7 together) and although we have opposite sex friends, we def would not appreciate each other going out to dinner or hanging out with just an opposite sex friend. If there are 3 people, that's fine - group things are no problem. We just don't like anything that could be seen as a date. I don't know if I consider it cheating, but there is really just no need..again, every situation is different though. And it does also depend on the friend.
I def do not tolerate boob/butt grabbing. Even in a friendly joking way - that's just rude! Come grab me, not someone else! Eh, probably not cheating, but not something I would like much.
gtg back to work...maybe more later - very interesting topic!
p.s. feel totally bad for the guy whose wife thinks its cheating to watch porn! watch it together i say! ;-)
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ITA. I think I read on thebump last week this poster who had an unspoken rule with her DH that they can never spend time alone with a member of the opposite sex. I think that she wrote that if she was at a party and she happened to find herself alone with a guy for a second then she would leave because she didnt want to "risk it" LOL What would she do if she got on a lift and there was a guy already on it? Would she just wait for the next one?
I have friends that are guys. And I hang out with them alone. I dont care if other people think we are on a date. I just think that cheating is when you do something that your partner wouldnt approve of if they were there.
I think if you need rules or guidelines then you dont trust your partner. If there is no trust, then what is the point of being with them.
I think it's hard to just say no alone time with the opposite sex. DH and I know most all of each other's friends and most of us all went to college together so for us it's not a big deal if we were to go out with someone alone.
I'm also agree with Leo if you need those guideline, the trust isn't there.
We don't have "rules", we have common f*ing sense.
Frankly, everyone has different levels of trust, comfort, self-consciousness, etc. There's no one size-fits-all rule. To me/us, the key is being reasonable and treating your SO w/ dignity and respect.
I'm a social person-- I stay out late, I drink (some times too much), I love a joke, and if there's a way to extend a story, I'll find it. That's my personality. Gender neutral. As my H says, if a lamp-post would listen, I'd stick around and talk to it.
So, when I have a couple drinks and laughs w/ my BFF male coworker, no big deal. I adore him, but in a generic, he's a great guy but not my great guy kind of way. He knows, I know, H knows. It's clear and obvious. I respect his intellect and, even enjoy his personality, but lines are 100% clear on both sides. I don't put him or myself in weird, flirty positions.
On the other hand, my H is shy. Very shy-- around either gender, but certainly women.
So, if H was knocking back the cocktails w/ some chick from work, would I raise an eyebrow? Probably... not b/c I don't trust him, but b/c it would be so wickedly out of character.
Long way of saying, yeah, we have different standards, not b/c we're unfair, but just b/c our personalities are different and b/c what would be "normal" for each of us is different. Again, this is within, traditional, parameters. Yeah, if I went to a strip club w/ my male BFF coworker, H would raise an eyebrow... but the beauty part is, I would NEVER do that. To creepy mixed message-y for our relationship!
I don't really have any set rules but I think there are situations when you should go out with your opposite gender friend and when you shouldn't. It's ok if it's completely platonic. It's not ok if it's a "work flirt" or someone you're really attracted to.
It's not ok to tell this person things about your significant other (like venting, etc.). It would make my husband feel uncomfortable if I was at their houses all the time or something.
I have plenty of guy friends (probably more than women). I'm upfront about everything with my husband. Guys are just easier to make friends with for me. I don't normally go out to lunch/dinner with them alone, although I have.
One of my married guy friends was super attracted to our coworker (he told me). Their interactions made me really uncomfortable - they called each other work spouses. She would ask him if he wanted a bite of her pear or whatever she was eating. They split beers, carpooled, etc. That's crossing a line to me.
It's pretty simple for me. I treat all guys as I would my brother. That means, yes, can hang out alone, can go for dinner, can chat as often as I want and have a laugh, but it is never sexual.
I've never been the flirty type though and DH knows it. I've always worked with lots of men and travelled for work. Sometimes we are staying in the same hotel. Dinner and drinks at the bar after being on site? - hell yes. Visit my room? No - not necessary. Again, it comes down to treating all guys like I would my brother.