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Am I still attracted to my husband?
It's not so much a question, more a lack of a subject line. I am a lurker of the site & all boards. I understand that a lot of times people post things that aren't so positive and get a lot of negative feedback. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me, I am just sad and lonely and have no one to truly talk to about this.
There is a lot to this story, over the years, but I will try to sum it up.
I have been with my husband for almost 7 years, married 5. When we first met, we were both completely different people, only 21 years old, in college. He's my best friend and I can't imagine life without him. but part of me, can't imagine the rest of my life with him. It kills me to say that, all I want is to grow old with him, always have my partner in crime, my best friend. but I don't feel like he's the person he made himself out to be when we met. He treats me great, I know he loves me.. but I was told by a family member that she think he's immature and that I can do better. Which sadly, has crossed my mind in the past.
For the most part everything has been pretty good. Like any married or relationship, we've had our ups and downs. Part of me always wondered if we got married too fast, part of me stands by that we were and our in love and got married quickly because we couldn't wait to spend the rest of our lives together. (when I say quickly, I mean he proposed and we got married the following month) I feel like I always question things but keep it all locked in a box between my heart and my brain.
Our sex life used to me amazing! We used to have sex multiple times in a row, in crazy places, every single day. Like any couple when they first get together, the first couple of years were great. A big problem for me, however, has always been his kissing skills. I remember telling a good friend about this after the first few dates with him. Everything is great, but he's not a good kisser. I have brought it up to him, as uncomfortable as it was. He doesn't understand why, I tried to tell him, to show him.. he just absolutely does not get it. I've tried to talk to him about it multiple times throughout the years and then it just feels awkward and I drop it. In no way, shape or form has he made an effort to change his kissing habits. I feel like because of this, our sex life eventually began to suffer. One things that really turns me on is making out. and without that, it's very very hard for me to get into it. and as the years go on, I've felt a little bitter.
About 6 months ago, I cheated on him. To this day, it kills me. I've read a lot about how these things can happen, and went to therapy after I did. There was something exciting about this guy. I knew him for a little while before it happened, we got to know each other, and it just happened. When he kissed me, it felt like something out of a movie, like fireworks, unreal. I wanted him immediately. I couldn't think, my mind turned into a blur, where I didn't care about anything in the world except that moment. I felt more turned on with that one kiss than I've felt with my husband for a very, very long time.
To even type this up, brings me to tears.
I told my husband immediately. I couldn't sit and pretend everything was okay. I care about him way too much and it absolutely breaks my heart what I've done to him. I told him the majority of things that bothered me about him, why I think it happened. I may have slacked on telling him the sexual end of it, because I felt guilty to not only cheat on him but beat him down by telling him all of the things he's done wrong.
He didn't exactly forgive me, but wants to stay with me. He loves me so much, he thinks this will make us stronger, that he'll change, we'll get better. It's been very hard for me. Part of me was mad that he is sweeping what I did "under the rug", part of me thinks he's such a good guy for sticking around. For a few months we lived together, I couldn't stand it. I hid in the bedroom, I cried constantly. I feel horrible and don't know what I want in life. If I wanted to be with him or on my own. Is there someone else out there for me, or am I a stupid idiot to let him go? I told him we couldn't live together anymore. I needed space. So he moved out.
A few months passed and we always kept in contact. Then I started to miss him a great deal. He moved out of state and I went to visit hm. Things felt great, this is where I am supposed to be. We had sex and it was passionate, I felt so lucky to have him, that he stayed with me. I felt like I needed to do anything I could to move in with him.
So I took about 2 more months to finish my job and get things in order for the move. I still wasn't 100% sure I was doing the right thing, but I need to give it a chance and not just give up.
I've been here about two weeks. I can't really describe how I feel about it. I just want it to work so bad. At first the sex was a good thing, but now I really don't want him to come near me. Last night we had a great time, went to dinner, had some drinks. It was a lot of fun. He kissed me and at first I was thinking, his lips are really soft, I can do this. Until tongue came in and I cringed, still the same. I just want to be the perfect wife. I know I have faulted him. I want to be there for him and care for him. but I don't know if I am still sexually attracted to him. I don't know if I have been for a very long time. after what I did, it brought it out more and now that we're back living together, it's almost all I can think about. I haven't had any contact with this other guy since it happened, I cut all ties. but I can't help but to over analyze my life and my decisions and what I am doing now.
I want to give it time and hope it all works out. I want so bad for all the negative thoughts to go away. I know some relationships can recover from something like this, but I wonder if we can. and I am too afraid to talk to him about it because I want it to just be. I don't want to have to talk and discuss everything and make it awkward. I want it to be natural, the way it used to me.
I feel like I have to end this now, I truly could go on forever. I don't think anyone will ever understand, unless you have been through it.
Re: Am I still attracted to my husband?
BFP 2/10/2012!
Due Date: 10/15/2012!
Baby Boy Born 10/11/12! (Not on purpose)
I agree with PP. It sounds like you have a great husband who loves you and will stick by you, even through some really hard times. Get some counseling. Pick yourself up and stop feeling sorry for yourself. Stop over thinking things. I know, easier said than done, but, once you put your everything into the relationship with your husband maybe you will realize that it is much more amazing than you now think.
As for the kissing problems, he is probably just not confident about himself, especially if you are telling him that you dont like to kiss him. Ruins a guys self esteem really quickly (or so I have been told). Instead of saying "wow, you are really bad at this" why dont you say "hey let's try something new" Teach him, show him what you like. Do you not like kissing him because he has bad breath? If so, right after he brushes his teeth kiss him a lot and tell him that you are really enjoying this (and hopefully if he catches on well) he will put 2 and 2 together.
Hope this helps! Be glad that such a great sounding guy is willing to stay with you even after what you have done, forgiveness is a great thing!
Good luck!
I am sorry you are going through this. You are not alone.
There is always time, right now you are irrational and it is no time to make a decision. You have the rest of your life to decide if and when this thing ends! If it is ends, it is not the end of the world, you will get over it, you will rise above it if you wish to! If it survives things have to change! And that change can't come from the same place a silly idea like being "the perfect wife" comes from!
Everyone understands missing the newness. The newness may never happen again. But your sexual drive doesn't have to have any baring on newness.
I have been through times where my libido is not as active and I am not as attracted to my husband, and that usually corresponds with an anger I have against him or another stress in my life. It sounds to me that you are very confused, and that confusion is contributing to your lack of sexual interest in your husband.
Why do you want to continue this marriage? How will your life change if you end this marriage? If you stay in this marriage what does your SO want you to change? What do you want your SO to change? Give yourself time to answer these questions! Since you already moved back in with him I think you owe it to him to give it your all. I don't you think you should come out right now to bare your insecurities in front of him, he is feeling very insecure right now too, I am sure. And, if you love and care for him you should cater to him with this knowledge. You have the power in your life. You can make any decision you want and all decisions can be made gracefully if given enough time! And there is so much time, even if you feel desperate right now.
So breathe, and relax, and take control of your emotions and make a game plan because you are at a crossroads and things will only get better for you after a decision has been made. Good luck!
I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker