Houston Nesties
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Severing relationships with family
Has anyone been in a position where they have had to sever a relationship with family a family member or members? Did you strait up tell them, or just back away? Do you feel any guilt about doing this or is it a strong sense of relief now that it's over. Feel free to email me at brandisellshouses at yahoo.com if you'd rather not post. I've known that I need to do this for a long time, but been to chicken to actually pull the plug.
Re: Severing relationships with family
my sister and I went almost two years without speaking outside of being forced together at family events. I told her that she was toxic and I didn't want to be around her but I would welcome re-establishing a relationship with her when she (frankly) could get over herself.
It put our families in a rough spot for two years but now, we're best of friends and she's a much better person and sister now.
j+k+m+e | running with needles
- Paula Deen to 104.1 KRBE's Producer Eric 9/17/2011
Does this have anything to do with family members and a wedding in the past???
No matter what.....you have the darn cutest kids and everyone on this board loooooves you. This family member(s) must be quite intolerable.
So sorry you're having to deal with this.
Yep and I have no regrets. I have no relationship with my father and I have recently started to distance myself from one of my sisters. I know it is best for me mentaly to not have a relationship with them. I can not have a realtionship with someone who is disrespectful, verbaly and mentaly abusive, plays favorites not only with his children but his grandchildren and just an all around negative person. After a big fight yrs. ago I made it clear I was done.
I will keep you in my thoughts.
Thank you for the offer. I'm actually out of town right now and won't be home until later in the week. However, I'd welcome the opportunity next week.
You're very sweet. Actually, that relationship is on the mend. We had a major "come to Jesus" recently... However, we didn't speak for a long time.
All of my siblings and I cut off communication with our mother about 9 months ago. It was on the heels of her millionth abusive/irrational/manipulative episode and over a period of about a month we each told her we'd finally had it and inevitably ended up blocking her from all online ports of communication and changing our phone numbers.
There are a lot of mixed emotions, but we all agree that we've made the right decision for ourselves and the future of our families. I've sought some counseling and my therapist agreed this is what had needed to happen for a long time. So, in that light, there is a lot of relief - our lives are much much easier without our mother's drama - and happier overall. That said, there is always a sort of battle of emotions under the surface - sortof trying to reconcile the negative feelings I have towards her that caused us to cut off communication vs the memories I have of her that ARE good/wondering how she's doing/knowing I'm hurting her even if she has brought it upon herself. So it is by no means a painless thing to do, but I do not regret my decision at all.
If it is a parent you're dealing with, I highly recommend this book http://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553284347
The things that really got my attention in that book and moved me to do something about it were A) "Toxic" people fall into one or multiple of the same categories and, for me, seeing that the my mom's long used tactics were textbook examples of abuse made me realize "wow, this really is a sick person" and
When your life is heavily enmeshed with a toxic person, it's up to YOU to do the changing and get yourself out - asking the other person to change just leaves them in control and (this really got me) in the case of a parent, even their death won't stop the cycle - people tend to still carry out the same behavior patterns as if the toxic person is still watching over them. That freaked me out!
Sorry this got long, but I hope it's helpful in some way and I wish you all the courage you need to do what's healthy for you
I have severed my relationship with my father. Once when I was in college and we slowly integrated back into each others lives. It wasnt until march 2009 on a trip that it was transparent that he had not changed one bit, he just got better at "playing the part."
He was recently in the hospital for a few weeks in ICU and I was there every day. I gave him the opportunity to make it his life wake up call but he refused and we arent speaking now. I only see him at family gatherings.
I am very interested in that book - it sucks having a parent who is toxic and only thinks of themselves but it is what it is. I have found my life to be less stressful when he is not in my life but I also feel guilty at times. I think that is natural.
We haven't completely cut ties, but we have severely limited our contact with my M/FIL. Everytime we would go over there my DH would be so stressed and they just have a false sense of reality. Everything is on their terms and they have made no effort to be a part of our lives.
It's been a long time coming and the worst part about it is they don't seem to care.
Call me if you want to chat about it, we still need to meet up for lunch sometime!
Without getting too specific, yes...I have. My sister for about 6 months, no communication and this was after DS was born, whom she LOVES. Some old knotties may remember the situation with her a few years back. We now have a relationship, but it will never be the same. Cutting off all communication helped with that situation. It was putting a massive strain on mine and DH relationship with some of the $hit she was doing. With being a new mom I just had to say enough is enough. The last instance she hurt me I just completely cut her off right there and told her that, she knew what she did, it was wrong and devasted me. It wasn't easy...she would try and contact me, but I couldn't and wouldn't deal with her, she needed to realize on her own and thankfully she did.
I also have no relationship with my father, he is a deadbeat who to this day has zero respect for my mother and the sacrifices she made to raise us on her own while he disappeared and created a new life in another state. He will sometimes try to contact a family member and ask stuff like does he have any grandkids, etc. and to have them give me his info, but I want nothing to do with him. It has never been easy, but it's the right choice and is better for my life and my families.
This goes on in my situation, too, and I think is something for OP to definitely brace yourself for.
ygm