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Space
I wasnt sure where to post this but there is always good advice in this board. Well ths history of the story is pretty short... At 26 years old, I have never had my own place! Up until recently, my SO helped me out of a bad living situation and into my very own apartment. He also helped buy me some furniture and gave me his TV since I really had nothing of my own. Turns out I LOVE my apartment and living alone with my loving dog. SO and I have been in a long distance relationship and only being together on the weekends for almost the past year up until recently we talked about getting married next year and he finally moved to my city. He bought a house and I told him that I wanted to live separately until we were engaged. He reluctantly agreed. When he moved here, even though he had bought a house he was staying at my apartment every night. I got a little moody and finally we talked and I said that I don't want to stay together every night. Again, he reluctantly agreed to give me a little space and we mostly just stay together on the weekends.
SO is a little worried that I don't want to live with him so how could we get married? I feel like I would want to live together in OUR house... but not in MY apartment. If we are going to get married next year... doesn't it seem logical to enjoy "single" life and our own space for the last time that we can? His worries are becoming my worries, but I do love him!
Anyone feel the same? Also, any newlyweds who can share if they ever get any space of their own once you're married and living together?
Re: Space
You can still have space and be married. H and I do a lot of things together (dinners, hanging out along and with friends, gym...ect.) but we also find a lot of time to spend without the other. H plays video games while I watch my girl shows, I play soccer and tennis once a week, H plays volleyball, I go on girls nights, H does guys nights, some times he'll go out with our friends and I'll stay back to get some much needed me time) as long as you talk about what you both want/expect/need from your marriage before hand and agree on it this should not be a problem.
Just make sure that this is a concern for you because you're just afraid you won't get any you time and not because you're just not done being single. Make sure you're okay with spending the rest of your life with this guy, you should want to spend time with him often (yes you might need you time) but you should want to see him more than you want you time.
I don't think there is any thing wrong maintaining separate residences while engaged. I also think it healthy for each of you to pursue activities and interests apart from one another both during engagement and in the marriage. I think perhaps addressing your need for "space" in a way that uses the term "enjoy single life" is going to put a foul taste to the whole thing. Use different terminology, don't wait until things fester like you've done so far, and if you really do see yourself marrying him then good - if there's an inkling that being together is showing you not being a good match, then be prepared to pay him back his investment (furniture, etc) so you don't end up looking like a user or he end up feeling like a fool.
YOu are right --- everybody should absolutely have their own place and live on their own before they get married.
There's nothing like a "single gal's place" or a "single guy's apartment" to learn to be independent and have some fun in the bargain.
He needs to be a bit more independent and mature himself -- he somehow feels threatened by the fact you want your own place and you'd like to have it for a bit of time before getting married. I wouldn't consider marriage to him until he gets this issue resolved first.
(I am wondering what kind of activities he partakes in and what he does with his spare time at his own place where he lives-- is he active as a "single guy"? Has he got hobbies, friends, things to do on his own that he enjoys? Or is he mostly a couch potato type who more or less expects everybody to set him up with activities and things to do?)
I strongly agree that when you are married you and he need a middle grown "OUR PLACE" --- no moving him into your apartment and no moving into his home. You rent a place together or buy a home together and that's where you will live.
Tarpon-
Thanks for the response. My SO is not at all a couch potato. He is hard working, can fix anything, he just built me a headboard that I designed and loves to be working around the house. He is somewhat of a homebody, but by no means lazy. Since he has only lived in this city for about a month he doesn't have very many friends right now. I have only lived here a year and don't have very many friends myself, all that I do have are single. We are going to start being more active in our church to hopefully make some couple friends.
I think we are going to make a great home together, as we both know our "places" in the house. For example, he loves to mow the lawn and fix things and I love to clean and cook. I have got myself an amazing guy
Maybe he needs more to do in his down time --- a hobby, join a health club, volunteer, work with kids, take some night school classes -- whatever catches his fancy.
Volunteering in church is a great idea. They always need spare pairs of hands -- there's many groups, many things to do.:)