Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Guilt Trip from my Mother for spending too much time with IL's
We have been married for a little over 3 years and I am still getting the guilt trip from my Mother that I spend more time with the IL's. We used to live 2.5 hours away from my family, but they rarely visited. We now live 3.5 hours away from my family but only 2 hours away from my In-laws. This summer, we have done our best to make it to all the weddings and family events. We have only missed one wedding which was a college friend. My In-laws are very family oriented and make plans to get together frequently. My parents only expect us to drive to see them and never the other way around. Our summer has been very packed with Weddings and family events and we wanted to stay home for 2 weekends in a row and my Mom threw a fit. She said that there's no reason we can't go camping with them for Labor Day wknd since we have nothing going on. I finally had to raise my voice and tell her that we want a weekend at home (since we have only lived in our new, first home for 6 months). I felt guilty after hanging up the phone but I am worn out trying to please her. Will it ever end? When will my Mom understand that I'm an adult and have my own life now...but it doesn't mean that I've forgotten about her. I don't even want to know what it's going to be like when we have kids!
Re: Guilt Trip from my Mother for spending too much time with IL's
Sure there is - you're a grown adult who makes her own choices in life. Stop explaining things to her and giving her information she can use against you. She does not need to know how many times you see the in-laws or how you spend your weekends. "That weekend will not work for us." And that's it. No explanation, no discussion. You need to set up some serious boundaries here, especially before you think about having children.
Good for you for standing up for yourself! Don't feel guilty about refusing to engage with someone who doesn't respect you.
If you continue to set and enforce boundaries, one of two things will happen: either she will get it through her head that you have your own life and it's unreasonable for her to expect you to be at her beck and call, or she won't. Either way, your life is a lot easier.
Ditto Doglove- be careful about over explaining. The more you tell your mom, the more ammo she has.
But I do have to note... your IL's are family oriented and that seems to be o.k. and you make every effort to attend the MANY events they plan, but yet your mom wants ONE weekend and "oh no!!! That's too much"....
Why, actually, can't you give up one of those family events in order to see your family?
If you're annoyed that she never comes to see you, have you actually out and out invited her? Have YOU made plans and said "Hey- haven't seen you in awhile. We're doing ___ on ___ weekend and would love for you to join us."?
If you have and she just says "no" and then gets pissy when you won't go see her, YOU at least now have a little ammo to say "Mom, I've tried to make plans for you to visit, but you always say no. It is a 2 way street and I can only do so much...."'.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Great advice everyone! Thank you.
We have traveled back to see my parents and other family the same amount as we have made plans with the IL's...the only thing is that the IL's come to see us at our house whenever they can. I have invited my parents to a housewarming party, SIL wedding and to do a Walk to End Alzheimer's with us but they declined them all with the "perfect" excuse. So yes, whenever I ask them to come they buck, but when we have an open weekend, we are expected to visit them.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Agree 100%.
And Guilt Trips can only happen if you sign on for them.
I shut my mom down every time she starts, "you can come visit me too". I've lived out of state for 7 years and they've come visit twice, so why does the burden fall on me? Turn it around, there's no reason she should be throwing a fit!