June 2008 Weddings
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
WWYD re: virtual cheating
Last night, by accident, I found a conversation DH had with a girl, someone he had sex with when he was young. It falls under the category of essentially virtual sex. It happened in November. I'm not even mad, I am heart broken. It was a short but explicit conversation. DH took it to the level of what I consider "sex". I confronted him with it and explained how I found it. He apologized, swears it is the only time a conversation like that has happened, he has not had a real life affair, etc. I don't know what to do, but I am not considering leaving. I don't know what I am looking for here, I am lost...
Re: WWYD re: virtual cheating
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I am so so sorry. I don't really know what I would do in your shoes, because to me, cheating is cheating is cheating, and it's tough for me to consider getting over it.
I do know, that regardless, I would start with counseling. Why did he seek out this type of conversation? What was he hoping for/looking to find? Are you having any other issues in your marriage? I would hope that the right counselor would at least be able to facilitate a dialogue that I know I wouldn't be able to handle on my own.
Again, so sorry. :-(
So sorry you are in this situation. I don't know what I'd do or say if I was in your situation, but I hope you and DH get things figured out. It seems something needs to be done (although I have no clue what), because he definitely crossed the line with that. Sorry I have no real advice, just a
I do also recommend counselling asap. Something is going on besides this it seems, because I don't think this would happen if something wasn't going on. I don't know.
If you don't feel that there was any sort of resolution having confronted him then I would seek outside help - you have to trust, be comfortable with each other or this isn't going to work long term.
However, I don't really know how I feel about virtual cheating ..... I guess I would be mad, pissed off, not sure that heartbroken is the word I'd choose. To me there is a difference between flirting, crossing the line (which I would call this) and CHEATING.
First off- I am really sorry that you are going through this. It really sucks. The only thing that is going to help you feel better is time and maybe some closure.
First , you said you won?t consider leaving. Does your DH know this? He needs to be made to understand that his behavior was unacceptable and that any repeats will have consequences. The fact of the matter is that if he did it once, and essentially ?got away with it? there is nothing to stop him from doing it again. He needs to be faced with the very real possibility of losing you and the life you two have together.
Also, if you are going to have any good chance of rebuilding the trust between you two, you need to feel certain that you have the whole story. Do you truly believe he told you the truth about everything and that one conversation was it? Or do you have the niggling feeling there is more you don?t know? Until you and your gut are satisfied that you know everything, you aren?t going to be able to move forward.
Counseling would probably be a good first step. Were you totally blindsided by this? Are there problems that you think might have contributed? These are things that a counselor can help you sort out and work through.
Lastly, I just want to add that you should take this time to be selfish. Regardless of how much you love your DH, he hurt you. Your priority right now needs to be taking care of yourself and getting to where you feel better, not worrying about him and if he is upset.
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I'm really sorry you're going through this. I don't have anything to add that you weren't already told, but I admire you for saying you won't leave. I don't think I could make that promise.
*Hugs* Please keep us updated.
Yes. I think he would be too. The only problem with that is the cost. Things are extremely tight rigth now. We are covering our bills but we are one missed pay check away from disaster. I really have no idea how we could cover the cost of one session let alone several.
Currently, there are some. I wouldn't say we have been on the rocks, but it definitely hasn't been our best few months. Like I said above, money has been a huge issue as well as some outside stresses. As of November of last year? I can't remember.
I agree there is a difference. Had I found out he actually slept with her I would be considering leaving for sure. I do consider this cheating though and it definitely breaks the trust we had.
No. He asked and I told him I didn't know yet and we had a lot more to talk about. I also told him if I found out that any of what he is telling me now is lies I was gone. We have a child which makes considering leaving harder for me.
I think he is telling me the truth, but I also thought he wouldn't do something like that. I did check everything and found no other evidence, but I also wonder if I could be unlucky enough to accidentally uncover the one time he did something like this. We will be talking more about it and hopefully that will give me a better idea.
We all know that trust is paramount in any meaningful relationship (particularly marriage)... people have reasons for everything they do, and in order to get to the bottom of things, I believe counseling would be your best move. The two of you really need to address a.) why this happened to begin with, b.) how it can be prevented in the future, and c.) how you can begin to heal emotionally after the mistrust that has been created.
Obviously I am biased being that I am going into the counseling field, but I truly do believe it is the healthiest step you can take in repairing the issues this created.
Best of luck to you.
ETA: Please investigate the low-cost or free counseling services in your area. Often times, there are many programs that people don't know about. For instance, if you have a university in your area, people at the end of their programs do a practicum where they counsel people just before graduation. Catholic Services usually have something of the sort (you don't have to be Catholic but they may offer counsel from a more faith-based standpoint). There's also some types of counseling that are covered by insurance. Call your provider for details on that.
Aspen Marley ~ 12.22.11
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We have this at my company too. I think it's more common nowadays, and since you didn't need it before - you may not have remembered it was there! BOL.