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Bedroom frustration...
I'm in need of some advice/ideas... my husband is getting really frustrated with my lack of libido. The backstory is that I'm going through a personal rut since we moved because of DH's job and for the past three months, I've been unemployed. I also was given a different BC pill brand (my doctor signed some waiver that my insurance could give me a generic brand of my prescription) and even though the pharmacist told me I shouldn't be affected at all by the change, I feel like it might be part of the problem.
I've never had a huge sex drive to begin with, and of course DH is overly sexual. We currently have sex about twice a week, which I don't think is that bad...I also give him oral occassionally, or when I am not in the mood myself. But, last night when I told him I wasn't in the mood, he tried to arouse me anyway, and then blew up at me when it didn't amount to anything. I got annoyed, because, I at least tried and didn't just shut him out completely. His comment is that I didn't try hard enough, and that, "Fine, we'll just have sex once a week since that's what YOU want."
Please help! I'm so frustrated because I feel like I am already doing it often when I don't want to, just to avoid these arguments. I feel like I am always getting blamed and that he will never understand the differences in our sex drives. We have a great marriage outside of the bedroom, but this re-occuring argument about the frequency of sex is getting old. I am starting to wear thin....
Re: Bedroom frustration...
If you truly believe the problem is your BCPs, perhaps it is time to try a new method. Would your H be willing to wear condoms?
How did you handle this problem before you got married?
Twice a week sounds great to me.
ANd I agree with the pp: either discontinue the bcps and use another non-hormonal method.
Have you ever masturbated? If not, get started -- see if that doesn't make you more sexual, once you find out via masturbation what turns you on.
I'm scheduled for my physical in early October, so I will talk with my doc about different options for BC... it's just strange because I have been on pills for about 4 years, and when I switched once to a generic brand, I didn't feel any different, but this time I just have no sexual desire. Unless the pills are just what I'm blaming it on; my personal morale hasn't been the highest since being unemployed, so that could be a big part of it too.
Before we got married, we only had this problem a time or two, mainly because for the first 2-3 years we were still in the "sex all the time" phase. My husband definitely still turns me on, but just not as often. I think he is just afraid that since our frequency has declined within the last year, that it will keep doing so.
Have you tried reading romance novels? No, seriously! I've always had rather low libido, and at times it's been bad for our relationship, but he recently convinced me to buy a romance novel and it's worked wonders. I'll have him read me the juicy parts to get me in the mood. Before he would half-heartedly try to get me in the mood then get frustrated when it failed. Now he can usually get me in the mood by reading to me (with a little teasing).
It might also just be stress and being tired. Twice a week every week seems like a lot to me. Sex shouldn't be a thing that you schedule, like "oh, we haven't met our quota yet this week, we'd better do it". That makes it so much less sexy. It should be more spontaneous, and if you're not feeling it, don't push it.
So, there are a lot of different factors contributing to the trouble that you are having.
One big thing that caught my attention is your husband's expression of anger. I am not against expressing anger, it's healthy and perfectly normal. BUT the way that it is happening is putting you on the defensive. (Well, it's putting you BOTH on the defensive). But REALLY, how can he Possibly think that blaming you or putting you on the spot is going to encourage future intimacy? I strongly recommend addressing that with him so u can find a different way to talk about this.
The other thing u may want to consider is getting a physical. Your thyroid could be out of whack, you could be anemic, yata, yata, yata and that can affect libido.
Can your doctor request Brand Only on the next Rx? Then you can re-compare.
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Here's another thing I would recommend. Keep a mood and libido journal for at least a couple of months. It doesn't have to be anything lengthy. The intent is to gather 'data' and look for patterns. Perhaps the OCP is causing problems, perhaps not.
But don't underestimate the significant effect that chronic stress can have on libido. You have a job loss, arguments at home, and anything else going on in your life. That's gonna elevate your cortisol levels and lead to changes that make thinking about sex harder on you.
A journal may give you a better idea about how much There's no right or wrong way to keep this journal. Make it different things affect you. You also want to write good things. On a day you were really in the mood, you want to know why? Were you ovulating, was it right before your period? Or was it some non-biological reason?
Your entries can be brief. For instance you can draw smily faces to show what mood u r in. If u need to elaborate, then do so. Comment on mood swings and try to recall what was going immediately prior to the mood swing.
If u find that you have alot of self chatter (in your head) and it is distracting or sometimes upsetting (because it put you into a funk)...At minimum write down what you are saying to yourself and get a gist for how often.
Comment on your energy levels. Quality of sleep and are you getting enough or too much sleep. How's your appetite? And what sorts of things are you eating. How often do you exercise? Aerobic exercise and stretching can help boost your libido over time and it can counter any damage/changes that too much cortisol (stress hormone) may be doing to you.
And when you can, be nice to yourself. Hot baths, massages, or giving yourself a manicure. Whatever it is u need to feel 'taken care of'.
Is any of this going to solve the problem immediately? Probably not. But is it really helpful? Absolutely. And you gotta start somewhere. Just babystep this. And be gentle to yourself and him. And gather info with no judgements at this point.
I hope some of this is helpful. Take home message is that this is fixable. This happens to more women than you think. Good luck to you.
I think twice a week is good, too! And, after conversations DH has had with other married men our age (a drunken bachelor party topic), it is more frequent than a lot of people. But whenever I bring that up, he says that we shouldn't compare ourselves to others because everyone is different...which is true, but...
I also agree with the "havent' met our quota yet this week" comment. I try not to think like that, but sometimes it comes into my head (and maybe DH's). I feel like its my way of knowing whether or not he is satisfied with the frequency. It sounds dumb to say that "out loud", and maybe we can work towards not doing that, but I'm afraid that if I don't think about it, I won't realize if it's been over a week since we had sex, because frequency of sex is not something that my happiness depends on (unless we went like a whole month without it or something).
This is all very good advice, and I appreciate it! DH and I had a nice and rational talk last night about this, and it turns out that he was frustrated about some other things as well, rather than just my not-being-in-the-mood, so that is what caused him to react so strongly. He also didn't realize how much unemployment can affect one's self-esteem and self-worth... to him, having the summer off would be a dream (it's totally not! At least, when you don't have money to spend).
I just hope that he will remember this conversation whenever he is feeling sexually frustrated.
I suggested that during this time when I'm not quite feeling like myself, that we try some different foreplay, or spice it up in ways we normally don't do... perhaps that will excite me more and increase my desire. Romance novels are a great idea, too!
I would love to be having sex twice a week! I find that sex is kind of "far and few in between" between my husband and I.
Just curious if your libido was different before your moved and were on the pill? I was in your EXACT same position. Sadly I haven't quite figured it out yet. When I got married I went on the pill and moved out of state. I spent about six months pretty depressed and decided to go off the pill. That helped with the depression but not my libido. I've been married three years now and my libido is nothing like it used to be. Makes me sad. I have no desire for sex or orgasm.
My H's best friend told him "Oh I get sex every other day at least, without fail." And I wanted to punch him in the face (the friend, not Hubby).
Still, I also think I have a responsibility to my husband. He says the same thing "you're not trying" or "you never initiate" and gets frustrated with me. He means well, but it makes me mad too. I notice when I actually do try it makes both of us happier. The other night we were watching TV and in the middle of the show I just turned it off and "attacked" him. Made his day! Not cuz I wanted any but I know it meant a lot to him.
Good luck to you! And if you figure it out please let me know, I'd love to have my old libido back too!
I wanted to throw in there to perhaps re-try whatever BCP you were using before. I was using a brand name for 2.5 years. about 2 months ago I was given the generic version of that brand. I was confused at first at the different name on the package but figured whatever, its supposed to be the same thing... Well, I spent the month crying at the drop of hat and really just not myself. my husband was getting worried about me especially as we just got married but we spent so much time with each other BEFORE getting married that I didn't think that really made sense and I never just sit in my car and cry on my way to or from somewhere. my period was much worse too. I asked to go back on the brand and even had to make sure the pharmacy gave it to me despite them thinking i'm crazy as its the "same thing" only cheaper. my husband was like no no no, its worth it to pay more.
maybe that's not what it is for you... but I no longer buy that the brand and the generic are the exact same thing. I didn't even think about why I was crying so much until towards the end of the month and I was like you know... somethings not right. I'm back on the brand and I feel normal again.
Or hopefully you can decide on a good alternative if the BCP is part of the problem.
And just as a possibility... perhaps some couples therapy or finding a way for some real honest talking to each other because blowing up over sex is not cool