Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Should my Spouse Attend My Grandfather's Funeral? EDITED
My grandfather is 92 and has been battling cancer for about 6 months. I just got the call from my mother that hospice care believes that he only has a few more days. It's very sad news, but we knew his day could be coming for a month or two since his cancer treatment has made no progress.
My husband only met my grandfather this last Christmas (as my then-fiance). My grandfather has had dementia for several years after a few strokes so they don't really have a relationship. My grandmother really loved meeting my husband though. We married in March and neither could attend the wedding due to my grandfather's illness.
I have bereavement leave from my office and taking it shouldn't be a problem. My husband has time off he can take as well, but he's taken off a lot lately to work on our house and he has a few large project deadlines and presentations in the near future.
I talked to DH on the phone a moment ago and he said, "I'll go to the funeral with you if you want me to." I think it's nice of him to offer, but I don't think he really needs to go. I can tell he doesn't really want to go (and I totally don't blame him; this is going to be a very sad event and awkward for him). But I wonder if my family would feel snubbed if he doesn't come out. The majority don't strike me as the type, but at the same time, I don't know the ettique surrounding funerals.
So what would you do in this situation? Would you expect your husband to go? Would it depend on your relationship with the deceased, or his relationship?
EDIT: Dang, I feel like I also should have mentioned that we live 2,000 miles away from my family, so we're talking about flying. He has family in the area he could visit after (mother and grandparents), but otherwise we are talking about an expense to go, but we can certainly afford the trip.
Re: Should my Spouse Attend My Grandfather's Funeral? EDITED
Funerals are for the living. He has a relationship with you and I'm sure your parents/siblings and various other family members who are grieving.
My H has gone with me to my grandparents funerals and he didn't even meet my one grandfather because of other circumstances. He was there for me to hold me together.
Also inlaws are qualifed for berevment leave if his company offers it.
RIP Dr. Irving Fishman - 10/1/19-7/25/10 - thank you for holding on for me.
You made my wedding day complete.
This. Yes, he should go.
FET - transferred two embryos (boy and girl) - Nov 2014 - BFP!
BUT he would go to a funeral with me to give me support becuase he knows and understands how important family is to me. i wouldnt have to ask . or force him to go...
My dh is very big on "paying his respects," but if he was stressed about a project at work, I wouldn't expect him to go, especially if he had to jump on an airplane.
I think offering support can be done in a lot of ways, and showing up for the funeral is just one of them. Is your grandma going to need care or help moving or putting away grandpa's things at some later date? That is also showing support.
Funerals are for the living, but you will all have each other - I'm getting the vibe that you don't really feel you need your h there, and you are the most important person he would be supporting.
How far away is your grandpa? Can you leave this coming weekend and see him BEFORE he passes? Also, does your family have funerals/wakes, or do they hold a memorial service (which are often on weekends)?
I would absolutely expect him to go, just as I would go if it was his grandparent.
I'm sorry for your loss.
71 workouts completed in 2012
My grandparents are in OK, we live in WA. I am thinking about heading down there before he passes, but my mother also warned me that he has slipped into a coma as of last night. My grandfather received a terminal diagnosis for a heart problem about 3 years ago and they only expected him to live a few more months. And a WWII prisoner of war and I know he can hang in there, so if we do go before he passes, we could have to fly out before he even passes. He is certainly a fighter! That's all the more reason to go and honor him either way.
I met my H's (then Fiance) grandfather only once, it was about 2 weeks before his grandfather passed. My H had not seen his grandfather in years as he had dementia and my H couldn't stand to see his grandfather this way.
I only met his Grandfather because I convinced H to go see his Grandfather after he found out he only had weeks left. He took me with him as he said he wouldn't be able to go into his grandfather's room without me there. He introduced me to his grandfather (who had no idea we were even there) and we stayed only for about 5-10 mins.
I went to the funeral out of respect for my H as I knew it would be important to him, but my H isn't always up front with his emotions. After I went he thanked me a lot for going, and then he broke down and cried. (this was the very first time that I saw him cry like that.)
If I was in the same position then I would want him to come with me!
Please please please bring him with you. My grandmother passed in January and I, like you, didn't think it was that big of a deal for him to stay home. He didn't know her, she was 94, I thought I'd be fine. He offered and offered to go and I said no. It was one of the hardest days of my life. Next to me sat my brother supporting his wife, my father supporting my mother, and I stood alone. I needed him and I didn't realize it until that moment. You will need support. Let him give it to you.
(Sorry if this sounded so emphatic, it's just that I had a horrible experience and don't want that for you!)
I agree with MarcyLT. Funerals are emotionally draining, and you'll be glad to have him by your side.
Think of it this way- as long as you can afford the trip, he won't regret going, but he very well may regret not going.
My condolences to you and your family.
This depends on you. At my great grandmother's funeral, some of my Aunt's came, but their husbands were unable to make it. They were fine and no one thought poorly of those that couldn't make it. Life goes on and sometimes things just don't work out. Dh's estranged grandfather passes away recently. Dh flew home for the funeral to support his parents and grandmother, but we decided that we didn't want to pull more out of savings for me to fly home. Dh was fine and does not regret going alone.
On the other hand, if one of my grandparent's died, I would need Dh there and no matter what was going on, he would be there.
I think he should go because you will likely want him there, not because what the others will think.
FYI, when the time comes, call the airline about a bereavement/compassion fare. I had heard they weren't great discounts, but I went to my great aunt's funeral last week and it was a 30% discount - which was good because last minute air fares are crazy jacked up prices. Even with the discount it was double what it would have been if I booked 2 weeks ahead. My DH did not go, but it was not my grandparent, I knew my mom would be there alone, and I needed DH to be home with our kids.
I was in a similar situation last year when my grandfather died. DH had only met him a handful of times and my family lives 1500 miles away. DH offered to go to the funeral, but ended up staying home because it was less stressful for both of us that way. I don't think my family judged him for not going since it was such a long trip on short notice, and I handled the funeral fine emotionally.
As a pp mentioned, definitely ask about a bereavement fare when you book your plane ticket. Delta gave me a fantastic deal. I think I paid $300 for what would have been a $900 ticket. They just needed to know the name of the funeral home when I booked the ticket.
My DH didn't come to my grandmother's funeral last year. He'd only met her and the rest of that side of the family once. He was on a business trip when she died and then was still on the business trip across the country when the funeral was. We didn't think it was worth it for him since I was comfortable going alone.
It's up to you. If you're comfortable going alone then I'd leave him at home. If you think you will need his support then I'd have him come.
I'll go against the majority and say he shouldn't attend unless you feel you need his support. I've lived very far away from family for a number of years, and there have been a few grandparent deaths while I was overseas, and not even I was expected to attend. Our family understands the issues surrounding travel and vacation time and exerts no pressure on us. It's a financial and professional burden, and they get that. Supporting you matters, but showing up for appearances for the rest of the family doesn't.
But, my family has always been exceedingly understanding of people living different lives, often thousands of miles apart, so that might be very different in other families. His presence may very well be appreciated by your family, so that may be the deciding factor.
When it is my paternal grandparents, which it will be sooner than I want, I'll need H there to support me b/c I'm so close to them, and he'll do it if he can, but no one will hold it against him if he can't. Of course, his presence would be sincerely appreciated since everyone in my family (including grandparents) have treated him as one of us, but no expectations.
Really its up to you. I was very close to H's grandfather. We were engaged when he died, but I couldn't make the funeral. It was my first year teaching and it was the first week of school...in another state.
It broke my heart, but it was the right decision. He agreed. He had tons of family to get him through it.
You shouldn't worry about what everyone else thinks. You need to decide what works for the two of you. If you want him there, he should be there. If you are ok with him not coming, then don't worry about what everyone else thinks.