Family Matters
kcgrl
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Question
The financing education post, and the mommy dearest post brought a question to my mind.
Some of you have asked why the parents are still paying for loans when they have a job and are planning vacations etc. This brought up a situation I know of but am not in. A friends parents are still paying for their oldest son's and youngest daughters education. He graduated about 5 years ago, and she a year ago. At first I thought it was really admirable that they are helping out but then I heard that they are not paying for the middle childs education because the middle child took it upon themselves to cover their responsibility. All 3 children have jobs and families of their own. I find this very strange.
What do you all think of that situation?
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Re: Question
It sounds like the middle child developed a deeper sense of personal responsibility and took that burden off the parents but the other 2 haven't. But who knows if the other 2 even know...?? Maybe they don't.
As a parent, if I say I'm going to pay for DS's college, then I'm going to pay for it. If it involves loans that I have for years after he's done, it doesn't matter. I'm not going to expect him to take those loans over just because I didn't have the money upfront.
If he offers to take them over, wonderful. but I wouldn't expect it. And if we had 2 kids and one took them over but the other didn't offer - I wouldn't care. my offer stands regardless of what others may choose to do.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
It's still admirable, just because the middle child has more initiative to gain personal responsibility doesn't mean the other two deserve any less from the parents.
I'm not a fan of you must treat every child the same, my brother and I grew up with very different needs, I'm thankful my parents did what was appropriate for each of us. Example, they helped my brother with a down payment on his house, I would never ask them for that but they did pay my car insurance until I was 25.
To each their own. Without knowing the full details or agreement of the family it's hard to say.
From my own experience, I paid for the first two years of college through scholarships. My parents helped me get a loan for the last two years. I started paying on the loan right after I got married (which was shortly after graduation). My younger brother did not get as many scholarships, and so he got loans earlier on in the school years. My parents are currently paying the loan, and basically supporting him on what his minimum wage job doesn't cover. I don't know what the exact agreement is between my brother and my parents. I know it's different because he has a learning disability and it's taking longer for him to go through college.
Well, I can't see mom and dad refusing to pay for #2, while covering education of the other two sibs. Sooo... I'm gonna go ahead and say that it's obvious that as in a LOT of families, (including mine), the middle child is obviously superior!!
No, I would guess that it's probably a bigger sense of obligation/ ownership that #2 feels. I paid 100% for my state school (well, am currently in loan heaven); while my older sister left 1 semester before graduating her very expensive, private school, due to an illness and never got her degree. My parents covered/ are covering way more of her education that mine. It took me a bit of time to accept/ get over, but you just kind of have to-- there's nothing that can be done now. At least not w/out a huge family blow-up.
So yes, thanks for bringing this up again! Deep breaths mini, deep breaths!!
LOL. Yes, middle children are superior! Sorry to bring up bad memories though.
I think it's probably far more common than one would think. My siblings and I all have very different ideas of personal responsibility, entitlement, etc. My sister will sit on her butt with her hand out so my panrets have always bled themselves dry for her. My brother was more responsible and continues to be, but also doesn't flinch at allowing my parents to pick up the check at dinner despite them being in bad shape financially. Then there's me who HATED seeing my family struggle financially when I was young, so I started working at 12 (baby sitting, mowing lawns, shoveling sidewalks, etc.) and always paid for my own clothes, cars, insurance, etc. even in HS. I also grab the check if I go out with my parents and never arrive to their home without a bottle of wine or some sort of goodie. To me, that's just the right thing to do.
My point being that we're all different and my parents just go with it.
I have a friend with two children (both adults now). The oldest made a big deal about how she doesn't live at home, she paid for her own car, etc. (to the point where she was pointing out to her mom that her brother could pay for his own car, etc.).
As it turns out, the oldest didn't mind when her mom paid for her wedding, and now works for her dad's company (the parents are divorced).
I plan to treat all of my children equally. If one gets a scholarship to play sports, for example, I would set that money aside and save it for him/her in case s/he wanted to go to grad school.
When I was working FT, I put aside all of my bonuses into my children's college fund, so I don't have to take out loans when I'm about to retire.
I think it is odd. But this brings to mind someone I know how was making more money than his mother - we're taking 20k more per year and his mother was still paying for his cell phone and his student loan. And no, not all of their children were treated so equally.