Family Matters
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Grandparents
I honestly don't know how to start this. My dad is a total piece of crap (I have posted about him in the past). His parents, however, are not. They kind of stepped in and provided for me because he didn't. Great, thanks, moving on. I am 26 years old, married, working, and taking 19 hours in college right now. I don't exactly visit them regularly. If I can get over there once a month, that's a lot. When I do make my way to visit with them, it doesn't matter how long I stay, when I get up to leave she makes me feel guilty because they never get to see me and always ask why I'm in such a hurry (I spend no less than 2-3 hours at a time when I visit). I also try to call and chat with her every couple of weeks just to see how things are going. Well, I recently got a new job, about 2 weeks before I started school and was training full time during those two weeks. We had our grand opening with the ribbon cutting and it was put in the paper. My grandfather apparently saw it, and my grandmother called me, extremely upset that I didn't let her know I started a new job, and that I haven't been by to visit in a while. It sort of pissed me off, considering that DH and I have been in our home for almost 3 years and they have been to my house ONCE for about 5 minutes to drop something off. They are always welcome and have been invited. Also, the fact that when things happen with them, I never find out until way after the fact (like the last couple of times they were sick and hospitalized and I find out from friends of the family in the grocery store). So I apologized for not letting her know, but also let her know that I really didn't feel bad because they never tell me important things. I could tell I pissed her off because she immediately ended the conversation and said bye. I understand that they are old, but they are also retired, and have nothing but time on their hands. If it were not for me calling and checking on them and making it a point to visit with them, I would probably only see them for the holidays. Was I wrong and disrespectful to have stood up to her like I did? Or am I just whining about it? Out of respect for her, I always let her walk all over me and say what she has to say about things she knows very little about. I just had enough that moment on the phone.
Re: Grandparents
Old folks can be touchy and secretive about who they disclose health info to -- I have an aunt who had leukemia; I found this out from another party (she never told us) and a friend of mine had a father who was chronically ill; he did not know his dad was ill until his aunt mentioned it.
You'd be suprised how common this is.
I can understand this, just aggravating that she gets pissed when she doesn't know every little detail of my business, but then friends (not even family) tells me what's up with them. And it's not just medical stuff, either.
So your grandparents raised you because your Dad was a POS and now you're pissed that they would like to be included in your adult life? You sound selfish to me."Great, thanks, moving on". I'm not saying you have to kiss their ass the rest of your life, but c'mon now. They didn't have to do a damn thing for you and they did- out of love.
It seems like they are asking what any family would from you- seeing you for visits, wanting to know about major changes in your life like your job, etc. These seem like normal family things to share.
Older folks can be weird when it comes to not sharing their illnesses. A lot of the not wanting to be a burden or worry thing plays in. I'm sure your attitude towards them doesn't make them really inclined to tell you.
In other words, lighten up. If they aren't horrible, abusive people, then enjoy the time you have with them. Whatever chip you have on your shoulder is robbing you of time you have with good family members.
Thanks for this. They didn't raise me, they basically gave my mom money when my father wouldn't pay child support. I appreciate every single thing they have ever done for me. I don't want to come across as selfish, although some I guess will take it that way. But like I said in my OP, she likes to put her two-cents in about lots of things that she knows very little about (for instance the fact that my father and I have no relationship, but she blames my mother and I for that and not the fact that my father would have preferred to go out to the bar room and get high/drunk while leaving me at home alone on 'his weekends', while under the age of 10 years old, among other things). I just hate it when she puts a guilt trip on me for little things, when if it weren't for me, we would never see each other. I get what you guys are saying about the medical thing, and I have never thought of it like that. I have no chip on my shoulder, just trying to figure out if I need to continue to bite my tongue when it comes to her snarky comments out of respect, or if I should tell her how I truly feel. I wasn't rude to her on the phone, I just don't think she wanted to hear what I had to say.
I think there are times we get this way with our parents, let alone grandparents. I don't see anything wrong with voicing your opinion, but perhaps it could have been done when you were not so annoyed. You seem bothered by your outburst more than all the effort is on your side to do the visiting and be forth coming with information. Let me say, giving your mother money to help does not give them the right to run your life. It would not sit well with me for them to rewrite history regarding their son. I can see where that would be a tongue biting moment!
I don't know if they are very elderly or in bad physical shape, but if they can get around maybe they need an invitation to your home. They might think you are ungrateful, but it doesn't make you wrong to give her another point of view.
I can understand why you're upset that they don't reach out to you. I also have family members who don't tell me anything and then I hear about big news (surgery, new babies, etc.) from random people and it really pisses me off.
Still:
This part sounds incredibly petty of you. It's just a childish tit-for-tat statement intended to hurt your grandma's feelings. I get where you're coming from with it, but it would've been MUCH more constructive and less hurtful to say something like, "I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I didn't think that it would matter so much to you, but now I know. Especially because I've had hurt feelings in the past when I've learned about your news from other people and not from you directly. I think we all need to communicate with each other better."
So I would contact your grandparents, apologize, and then talk about ways for you and then to stay in touch a bit better. Set up regular phone calls and visits so that you have a schedule to stick to. And rather than saying, "I'm pissed because I am always the one to initiate calls and visits," say something like, "I really love getting phone calls and visits from you. I hope you know that I'm always happy to speak to you and host you at my home."
My parents live in the next town over and I sometimes don't see them more than once a month. I am busy with my own life, and they are busy with theirs. I make an extra effort only b/c of my kids - I take the kids over for holidays like Halloween and Valentine's day, etc.
I also don't give them every detail of my life (good or bad). My sister does; I don't. It doesn't make her an AW or a better daughter - we are just different about what we share. You're not obligated to give her a play-by-play of your life (just as she's not obligated to disclose medical information about herself to you).
Your grandparents have nothing but time on their hands, and that's not your fault. Unless they are house-bound (which would be different), the next time they tried to guilt me into seeing them, I'd say something like "wow grandma, if you have extra time, why not donate it to some people in your town who are needy? I'm sure you could volunteer and it would fill your spare time." Nothing like suggesting "work" to shut people up.
I think you were absolutely right to put your grandma into her place. You've been respectful and it didn't work. Sometimes you need to push back a little. I'll bet now that you called your grandma out, she'll be less inclined to attempt to manipulate you. Remember; nobody can make you feel guilty without your permission.
One thing - I would not keep score about how often she visits you. You're two generations younger, and it's easier for you to travel even if your schedule is full. As long as she makes an effort by phoning (not just to guilt and manipulate you), I would not tally how often she comes to visit.
Remember the Eleanor Roosevelt quote, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." ?
Same thing applies to guilt. Your grandmother throws guilt out in your direction because you accept it. You can stop this. It's easier said than done, but still very possible.
It sounds like you are happy with the once a month visits. Go see them at that frequency, stay for the 3 hours or so and then when you leave and she pulls this say, "It's been great seeing you" or "I'll see you soon" and don't play into it further.
What an entitled little snot-nosed brat you are. You really can't find time in your precious schedule to call more than once every couple of weeks, just to check in? You really think that the people who sacrificed to provide for you for years are the rude ones for wanting to be included in your life? FFS, it's not like they're asking you to repay them all the money they sent to your mother over the years, they just want a relationship with you.
I appreciate everyone's input. People can make assumptions about me based on just a little bit of information that I provide. I'm not going to try and defend myself on here. Some of the things everyone has said I never thought about before, so thanks for that. Yes they are getting up in age, but are not home-bound at all. They can pack up and head to the coast to the casinos or go camping, and also drive hours away to visit with my father, but can't manage to get 20 minutes down the road to my house when I ask them to come by (or when they are just in my area). I am going to make sure that I call her to check in at least once a week if not more, and no longer 'keep score'. Thanks again to all of you.