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Should the wedding go on? Kinda Long Rant
I have been having some discussion with my DH and him and his family strongly disagree that his one brother should not get married in November.
Here is a little background, my brother in-law has a learning disability and cannot think logically for himself so he still lives at home with his parents and they help him with everything. He has been on and off with a girl for about 3 years now and now they are engaged and getting married very quickly in November. My in laws think that the woman is manipulating the brother to get married and she has problems of her own not to mention $300K in debt that she just got a doctorate and does not have a job lined up yet and the brother has a minimum wage part time job.
Everyone is concerned with their well being, and I agree with them that its probably not the best idea. On the other hand, I think the brother needs to experience life not under mother's wing that he has had all this time. I noticed a little of this "umbrella" with my husband when we first got married but he is better now, but there are times he goes back to his old ways.
My husband's parents didn't even know the wedding was happening and his mother was not even invited to the bridal shower. I am not too close to my MIL but do respect her.
Any thoughts?
Re: Should the wedding go on? Kinda Long Rant
There are those with learning disabilities who support themselves and live on their own. I get the idea that there's something else other to the picture and that your H's parents have done nothing but enable the BIL.
There is zero you can do about this. He is of legal age; he can marry any time he wants. And nobody can stop him from doing it. Ditto his bride to be: same thing--- she is of legal age and can marry anybody who she wants at any time.
Where they live and what happens after this?
Sure hoping it's not with your BIL's parents.:(
Stay out of this mess. It will only start a battle royale. good luck; this sounds like a mess.
I do not know if her debt can become his since this is a school loan; if it's possible that he can get stuck with her debt, wowza... that's a lot of trouble indeed.
This is a mess indeed: getting married and she hasn't got a job, she's got a nightmare amount of school debt and he's got what, you say -- a mimimalist job? That's already trouble in itself.
I can't figure out why they are in a huge hurry to get married -- and neither one is self supporting, Just based on that, they need to put the wedding off until the both of them have a good full time job and until there are jobs this wedding should not happen.
And for the sheer fact that this has been an on and off again relationship, their relationship is not a good bet for marriage.
He has a learning disability? what has that got to do with not being able to think logically? It's a disability attached to how he processes learning info; it has nothing to do with thinking logically. Why I'm thinking there is something more to the eye going on here than they let on -- either that or they are coddling this guy.
Unless she's let the student loans go into default, student loans are not "bad debt". Should they wait till she has a job? Probably.
This is going to come off kind of biotchy, but why would a woman with a PhD, want to "manipulate your BIL, with a pt minimum wage job, into marrying her"?
A grown man who can't hold down a full time job, minimum wage or not, is more of a liability than an asset, and I have trouble believing that someone as educated as she apparently is couldn't see that. And if she were the "manipulating" type, I would think, she would probably be going after someone with an earning potential either equal to or greater than her own.
It sounds like your MIL, is something of a hoverer. Is it possible that your BIL doesn't handle his own life because your in-laws are happy to do it for him? Is there a possibility that he only does enough to get by, and the fiancee knows this and feels that he'll step up, when they get married.
Or she's willing to have a less than equitable relationship with him. There may be any number of reasons, why she's willing to be so self-sacrificing if in fact your BiL, can not think logically for himself.
Either way it's BiL and his FI's business, and no one else's. Unless your BiL is so disabled that he requires supervision. In that case your parents should look into filing for power of attorney, or something of him.
Also, if my in-laws accused me of manipulating dh into marrying me, i wouldn't feel particularly charitable towards them either. If dh and I were dead set on getting married, and we knew that the in laws weren't happy about it, and would moan, groan and complain the whole time, I wouldn't invite her to the bridal shower either. That's a day for me.
They should have been told about the wedding, though.
Maybe learning disability is not the right word, but logical thinking and reasoning he does not have. I think too that he should probably try to live on his own for a while before getting married.
It became my business when my husband is supposed to be the best man and discusses his feelings with me on the issue. I am not going to support something that my husband doesn't support.
This still doesn't make it your business. The most your H can do is maybe encourage his brother to insist on a prenup. Other than that, this is between the brother and his FI.
Her student loans will not be considered marital debts. They are hers to pay - unless they refinance. But I'm not sure how a guy making minimum wage is going to qualify to refinance $300K worth of loans.
Unless your BIL has some incredible life insurance policy, I don't really see why this woman would be marrying your BIL for any malicious reason.
But as the mere SIL, it's really none of your business. Go ahead and support your DH, but otherwise your opinion counts for crap in this situation.
+1
I'm always amazed at the lengths people will go to justify something as their business.
I do agree with you in theory that an on-again, off-again, on-again relationship is not the best candidate for long term marital success.
But still, you don't get to say anything.
Why would a woman with a PhD want to marry a grown man who works minimum wage and lives with his parents? Does not compute.
Otherwise, I agree with the others. MYOB!
Something here is just not adding up,....at all. I would bet there is a lot more we aren't being told.
a woman with a PHd marrying a learning disabled guy with a min. wage job. yeah, something isn't quite adding up.
If your H was so upset and against it he shoupld have declined being BM. and BTW being BM's wife still does not justify getting involved with their life.
MYOB is the best advice you got, but I have a feeling it doesn't matter, you are going to be all kinds of involved. Its your duty as SM's wife isn't it?
I'm still trying to figure out what "getting married very quickly in November" means. Perhaps it's my learning disability or my inability to think logically, but I don't get it. They've been together for 3 years. Perhaps she wants to take on the responsibility of helping him so that they don't have to deal with his hovering parents?
MYOB. If you're husband wants to express his concerns to his brother that's one thing - it's REALLY not your business.
Wondering the same thing.
Something's kerfluey here -- is it possible that he told her he's got a good sum of money and that he'd help her out with the loan? I dunno... I also am with laurakaz13 -- what's really the story here?
Riiiiiiiiiight. Stay out of it.
It is appropriate for you to act as a sounding board to your husband if he wants to talk, but that does not make it any of your business.
FTR, you are allowed to come your own conclusions, regardless of what your husband thinks.
What is going on really? Learning disability specifically means something like dyslexia. It has nothing to do with intelligence. Some people, incorrectly use LD to mean low IQ, but strictly speaking one can not have an intellectual disability (what used to be called MR) and an LD. And realistically speaking such an individual would be unlikley to catch the attention of a woman with the badwidth to earn a PhD. Just sayin'.
He could have a mild form of autism or ADHD that results in poor or immature executive functioning skills. His bride could also have one or both of these issues. I have a cousin with an ASD who is very happily married going on 15 years now.
It's still not your business to judge. They certainly don't need your judgement or blessing.
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I wouldn't worry about it too much. I'm sure your inlaws are perfectly able to crush his spirit and convince him to abandon his adult relationship before November and stay home, under their protection. Forever.
Then they'll die and he'll become your problem.
This...
DH's brother has issues as well, but damn, his family has totally enabled him because of it, to the point where he doesn't even have common manners because it's never been expected of him. I call him out on it all the time, and he straightens up around me, but with his parents especially, they fall all over themselves to make sure he's 'taken' care of...
Yeah, I don't see the problem here. Sounds like your BIL is marrying up.
No, it didn't. Stop being a buttinsky.
This is between your husband and his brother, if your husband decides to be the best man and support this marriage, then you support your husband and attend the wedding.
Stop creating drama, who cares what your in-laws think.
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