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Need advice...MIL related...long
So when TT and I started looking for houses we went to a house that was down the road from where we are buying the house to me was a dump, it was foreclosed on, the ceiling in the bedroom was down from a water leak it just had alot of work that needed to be done to it to make it move in ready. Well we showed MIL the house and she fell in love with it and eventually put a offer in on the house.
I guess I should state this before I go any further when TT was 16 his mom moved off from where they were living to a town that was a hour away. TT played football and baseball and begged his mom not to move since he was being recruited for a sport scholarship. She moved anyways and left him there to fend on his own. He ended up living with his friend and then got kicked out there and eventually moved into a friend of his step mom. So ever since then they have had a weird relationship. She is VERY selfish and it is all about her. There have been many instances of this happening and I just brushed them under the rug and tried to make him feel better but what she has done recently has just pushed me over the edge.
So Friday we were able to get into our house and we borrowed some paint samples from a paint store and we invited his mom and my parents to go with us to give us some insight on picking paint samples. We had done the whole upstairs and we were working on the kitchen and his mom said about 10 times "I think I am going to go to my new house and look at the samples I have picked out". We thought she meant AFTER we got finished at our house. No she went and picked her keys up and TT asked her "Mom I thought you were going to help us". After him asking her 3 times she said "Well I guess I can stay yall are almost finished anyways". So we go to her house and while she acted tired and bored at my house she perked right on up when we got to her house. I did not say anything and brushed it aside but her attitude and the way she treated TT pissed me off.
Monday we were going furniture shopping. It was raining all day but it was the last day of the sale and we wanted to take advantage of it. I asked my mom and she said she would love to go. We asked his mom and she said she did not want to get out in the rain. While it was a nasty day it was also a important time for us and we wanted to share it with her.
I made a comment to TT when we got home something along the lines of I sure hate your mom missed it. And he said well it was a exciting time for us and she missed it. He was disappointed.
What do I do when your MIL is worried about herself that she can not inconvience herself for her own son for a couple of hours? I know he wants his mom there and to be excited for us and she just is not.
Re: Need advice...MIL related...long
Just try to be there for him, and let him vent...
Yeah TT has made more than one comment that he considers my family (grandparents included) more of a family than his own which is sad and breaks my heart.
I know I am not a parent yet but it is just hard for me to imagine being so selfish and not being excited and almost being jealous of her own kid.
That's just sad
I hate to say it because it would be hard for your DH, but I think I would step back just a tiny bit and not invite her as much. If inviting her to go along is resulting in a struggle or hurt feelings, don't subject yourself to it. OR, invite her but don't coddle her. For instance, in the above situation where she kept wanting to go home to look at her paint samples, say "Well sorry we cant help right now since we're tied up here, but hey, have fun and we'll come by later to see the dried samples and what you picked out!" This way you are still participating in her life, but giving her the option not to participate in yours. Since it seems like she really just wants attention, it's likely if you 'call her bluff' this way she would back down and stick around.
You can also have a great relationship without physically being together. I do it all the time since I live so far away. When Mom can't go shopping with me I text her pictures, talk on the phone while I walk through the store, etc. I got lots of practice while I was pregnant! She helped me pick out maternity clothes via pictures and I showed her all the baby stuff I picked out/considered while I was planning my registry. It does still take some effort on your part, which doesn't necessarily help in the 'time' factor, but it does include her in a way that is less emotional. It kind of includes her, but puts the ball in her court more and forces her to make the decision to actively participate, or not.
Just a few ideas. I hope it gets better!!!!
Those are good ideas Kellie.
I don't really have any advice because I don't have a MIL but like you said I can't imagine someone being jealous of their own child but I know that it happens. Kinda makes you wonder if she was like this before kids. There was a girl I used to work with and she liked to get all the attention and I kinda wonder how she is now that she has a kid and you know the child got all attention.
I hate it for your DH because it is his mother and I can't imagine how hard it is on him. Just be there for him. Just know that she is missing out and it is her lose.
So, she's selfish enough to move without her teenage son and you are surprised that she's being selfish about paint and furniture? Sounds like she will always be her #1 priority. Time to accept that and stop letting TT and yourself be hurt by her actions. You don't have to take it. I know it sucks..everyone wants to have their mom in their lives, but when the mom brings pain then you have to be a little selfish yourself and put up a bit of a wall.