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My BFF can't stand to be single!
Ok, back story...
We met our sophomore year in college in a class. She was dating A. My literal 1st thought of them together, "what is she doing with this guy?"
They date until she is 23 and get married. (They had been together since she was 16)
At 25 she realizes what a loooooser he is and they go thru a horrible terrible divorce. At which time she falls into another relationship... with another loser.
that ends 2 mo ago, I am thrilled as our relationship had deteriorated bc I told her she could do better, that she should be single and learn who she was as a single woman, etc. And she took offense.
So we begin to see eachother more things are good... bam new guy. Now, I like this guy more that either past relationship. But WTF I still think its bad for her to be sucked back into a relationship!
She's smart, pretty, funny and almost 28 and only been single for 2 mo in her entire adult life.
What advice could I give her that she might listen to???
Re: My BFF can't stand to be single!
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
If she can't realize on her own that she doesn't need a man to be happy, then I really doubt there's anything that you (or anyone) could ever say to her to get her to see the light. It's not a matter of finding the right thing to say ... it's a matter of her being willing to listen.
Just be there for her to help her pick up the pieces every time her relationships fall apart, if you want to stay friends with her. Don't offer your advice unless she asks for it. And even then, I would just say, "You're an awesome person and I hope you know that you don't need to attach yourself to someone else in order to have a fulfilling life" and leave it at that.
I so relate to this. My former bf was the same way. She turned out to be a completely different person that I thought she was and it ended our friendship unfortunately. She has lived with or married 4 men since I met her in 2007. She loved to toot her own horn how independent she was but apparently not.
I've had a few friends like this and it is really frustrating. You want so much more for them and the confidence to stand on their own two feet. Unfortunately though, she is a grown adult and there's not much you can do about it. You spoke your mind, she wasn't receptive at all to it, and there's really nothing else you can do. When this relationship goes south, it's your choice whether you want to be there to support her again, and if she starts asking questions then I would try to talk more about it. Until she comes to you though, you are just going to be beating your head against a wall.
In my own experience, girls like this though are so involved in their relationships, they really aren't that great of friends. They generally don't put in as much effort and only make time when it's convenient for them. I'd honestly be questioning whether this is a friendship you want to continue to invest in, and whether it's worth it to continue putting the effort in. I've always found "friends" like these are far less frustrating when the relationship is much more casual.
If you're goal is to to have her have her own thoughts and to be independent, why in the word are you trying to get her to listen to you?
This is her life, accept her as is, or drop her as a friend.
This exactly.
I have a friend like this and learned a long time ago that to leave it alone and keep my opinions to myself. That is just how she is wired and she will never be happy by herself. She has had many bumps in the road with relationships but has finally found one that works.
I don't know what advice to give, but I wanted to say I am in the same boat, and IT SUCKS! I feel like my friend is being influenced by her idiot douchebag boyfriend who treats her like total sh!t. I have been there for her every phone call and listened to her tell me about every major fight they've had, and I've always told her she can do so much better, but she doesn't listen. Sometimes experience is the only way to learn, I guess.
This is another great point. I was like this too.
I agree completely. I have a friend like this too, she is 24 and in her second marriage after having never been single for more than a month at a time since high school, sometimes dating more than one man at once. I am her total opposite in the fact that I always preferred to stay single until I met men that I truly wanted to date. She used to think there was something wrong with ME for keeping to myself rather than sleeping with everything that had a pulse and a pecker. We don't speak much anymore.
There's one more thing for you to take into consideration before deciding to continue the friendship....
I was in a situation just like yours. I chose to stay friends with this woman, despite her poor choices. I became engaged, and she pushed to be my MOH, which I agreed to, only to back out and judge my relationship and the way I run my life. SHE. JUDGED. ME. Guess what? Not only did I drop her as a friend, but she tries to contact me to this day and I can't be bothered.
Keep in mind that even being a good friend can blow up in your face if the friend in question has poor judgment to begin with.