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When inlaws try to pit you against each other
Perhaps the subject line is a bit misleading - but I wasn't sure how else to describe this......and I am wondering if anyone here has ever found themselves in this type of situation.
A little bit of backround:
My husband & I lived overseas for a few years before we got married and while we were there, he went to school and got an associates degree in the field he's been working in for years. It was more of a formality to go to school and get the degree - he really didn't need it for what he does, but his parents kept going on and on and on about going back to school so he eventually did to get them off his back. For the record, I think going back to school is a wonderful thing and something that I fully support - but I also think people should do something like this if and when they are ready to do so, not because someone is forcing them to. My hubby did not stay for another year at this school to get the bachelor degree only because of visa issues (it's complicated), which resulted in us leaving to come back to the US. The school he was in actually has a facility here, but unfortunately that facility for whatever reason does not offer the bachelor program. Either way, he has a good paying job, at an awesome company, in his field, and the associate degree is more than enough for him to do this job. He actually was offered a teaching job at the school he went to, but he turned it down because it wasn't enough money.....
Unfortunately, my inlaws feel that this is not enough and that he MUST go back to get a bachelor degree. So basically, every time we are at their house - and this has been going on for the last 2.5 years since we came back - they are on his case about school. They are on his case when we are there, they call him and harass him when we are at home, they call him during the day when he's at work to harass him. Finally, he got up the courage to tell them to back off. That he will go back if/when he is ready to do so and to leave him alone about it. Surprisingly enough, they stopped bothering him about it. We've been at their house a few times since he told them to stop, and not one peep out of them about school.
That is.....until this past weekend.....I had to go to their house on my own for something and was there for a few hours....and while I was there, they started in on me about getting him to go back to school. Basically saying that if we have children, that he absolutely MUST go back to school. And that he has no choice - he has to go back.
My only response was that I 100% fully support whatever decision he makes regarding school and if he wants to go back, I am behind him 100%. And if he doesn't want to go back, I support that too.
I actually find it offensive and unfair that they would try to pit me against my husband like this - because he told them to get off his case, now they think it's ok to harass me about this? I already told my hubby what they did and he wasn't too happy about it. Not sure if he has said anything to them yet since this just happened a few days ago...who knows if he will say anything....it's sometimes hard for him to stand up to them - not to mention, once they get stuck on something, they don't rest until they get their way.
Sorry for the long rant....I think I just needed to get it off my chest because it was bugging me. But has anyone else here had to deal with a similar situation?
My inlaws are nice people and I know they mean well, but at the same time, they really just never know when to quit.....there's other stuff with them too, like them feeling the need to be involved in the entire process of us buying a house....but that's a whole other discussion altogether 
Re: When inlaws try to pit you against each other
I think your response was fine.
Your H needs to do more in order to get them to back off. If that means hanging up on them or walking out in the middle of dinner at their house while saying, "The subject is closed.", then so be it.
And since you know how pushy they are, why are you telling them anything about your house hunting process?
Hmmmm....have you ever been around eastern european people at all? If so, then you might understand the whole pushiness thing. For them, it is very normal for the parents and family in general to be all over each other's business. (very annoying, I might add) I had to deal with so much headache when I was planning my wedding - and I knew what I was getting into, but I love my hubby dearly, and for me, he is worth any headaches I might have in life with these people
At the end of the day, he's the one who matters.
Believe me, I like to keep things to myself for the most part....naturally, I have no problem talking about house hunting (ie saying that we are doing so). I have even talked to my mom and dad - more casually mentioned what we are doing - but my parents are more 'normal' and don't butt in so I can talk to them about these kinds of things. They just wish me luck, tell me some things they went through when they bought their first home (to make sure I don't make the same mistake) etc etc. My hubby tries to talk to his parents about stuff going on - in the similar manner I would talk to my own parents, but they take that as license to then try to 'get involved'. Going back to the eastern european thing.....that's just how they are. Personally, I think it's funny at this point....hubby and I are on the same page about what we want, and nothing they say or do is going to change that.
We don't really mind getting advice - his parents have bought and sold plenty of houses, but at the same time, we only want advice when it is asked of them. In the end, we just listen, then do what we want anyway
lol @ rinse and repeat....you are so right
If you don't mind getting advice from them and letting it roll off your back, then why are you posting here about your ILs trying to "pit you against each other"?
You either care about it or you don't. Own it and grow a spine to fix it or stop whining.
Choice #1) Your H can tell them to mind their own business, and if they don't quit then you guys will not visit, allow them to visit you, or answer their phone calls.
Choice #2) Ignore them, but don't complain about it if you're not willing to do anything about it.
I don't know why you posted and asked for advice, if you were just going to follow up with, "Well, they're Eastern Europeans and that's just what they do, heehee!"
Just because "that's what Eastern Europeans do" doesn't mean that you have to put up with it. Plus, you're not living in Eastern Europe, are you? Just because something was done a certain way in the "old country" doesn't mean that you're obligated to follow it. Hell, you're not obligated to do the things a "typical American" does if you don't want to.
They're not going to change. Therefore, if you want a different outcome, then YOU have to change. Change how you react, change how you deal with it, change how you respond. Don't just wish on a star that they'll change.
I absolutely HATE this response. It is a bullshit rationalization that people use to get themselves out of doing any hard / emotional work. Not to mention racist/regionist.
People will only treat you how you let them. Your DH has allowed his parents to treat him like a dim-witted child for the last few years. Just because he has had the spine to ask them to lay off ONCE is not going to change the pattern of behavior YOU (and by YOU, I mean both of you) have allowed for the past so many years.
You do know that you can stand up for yourself, while still being polite right? You do know that familial and inlaw familial respect goest both ways right?
The one and only time he told them to back off worked? Shocker.
I think this should teach both of you the lesson that you actually have to act like an adult to be treated like an adult. What took him so long?
And are his parents really wrong? You made a great case for why he doesn't need an education, so why isn't this clear to his parents? Does he actually disagree or is it about being bullied? Because he has to decide if he's really against an education or being bullied and act accordingly.
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Sorry if it seemed like I think it's remotely funny, because really, I don't. I think trying to retain some humor in it all just helps me to deal - otherwise I'd completely lose it, which isn't good either.
As far as the implied racist remark - and again, not that I agree with their behavior based on where they come from - it was just to give you all some idea in how his family is. Lots of eastern european families are like this - I know plenty outside of my hubby's family. I know plenty of Greeks and their families are like this too....very close knit and everyone up in everyone's business.
I wasn't necessarily asking for advice, was merely curious if any of you people have ever dealt with this type of situation.
Based on the bitchy responses from some of you, then you must have wonderful perfect relationships with your inlaws and never have to deal with bullshit from them. So good for you.
Thank you for this....this is exactly what I thought too when they rounded on me about him going back to school. Kind of sad really....their tactic is not going to work on me
My dad has tried to do this same thing to me. I am two months away from completing my Master's degree, and my dad has been bugging me since the beginning of the summer to start researching doctorate programs.
I am 31 years old! I will continue my education as I see fit, and I have told them this before. Now he sneaks it into our phone conversations (he lives in another state). He wants me to get a PhD. and offered me a brand new car when I graduate. This is not even the slightest bit tempting for me. Now, he has resorted to all-time lows by saying when I graduate in November my MBA won't be worth anything in this economy - that it will be the equivalent to having only a high school diploma!
When he brings up school now, I just ignore it and change the subject.
Sigh...