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Feeling indifferent

Im feeling indifferent about my uncles impending death. He has cancer and after a very short struggle was told he has only a few more weeks to live. They are moving him into hospice care to get him comfortable.

This guy was an a$$hole to everyone in his life; all of his family (immediate and extended), co-workers, strangers, etc. The list goes on and on. Eventually his wife (my aunt) divorced him when the last of the two daughters left for college. This is years and years ago. He was verbally and physically abusive to her. She is not my blood relative but because my uncle was such an a$$ we all have kept in contact with her. She is always invited to family events and he never was. Back to the recent present, since he found out about the cancer he started calling everyone and making amends. Apologizing for his bad behavior and having a come to Jesus moment. He called my mother and apologized.

I feel for him. I don't want anyone to suffer at all. I just don't know why now with death staring in him the face he had to change. He went from a great life and great job to nothing (no possessions, no job, isolation) and now he changes. You would think those losses would have been the catalyst for change. And though I feel for him, I feel mostly for his daughters and the grandchildren he'll leave behind. I mourn for the person he could have been. My mom has visited him a couple of times and she said he's not like his old self at all. That person no longer exists.

I think I'm just writing this post to get it off my chest. And remind people not to be a$$holes, no one will have anything nice to say about you at your funeral.
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Re: Feeling indifferent

  • I think you can feel for someone and want them not to suffer but also not be too horribly distraught about their loss. Good for him for trying to make amends and more than anything, I would pity him the years he lost with people who might have once cared. I hope that he goes peacefully and without suffering, and I am sorry for your impending loss, even if he was not a kind or good man.
  • Your feelings seem to make perfect sense given the situation.  Since you mentioned feeling for his daughters and the grandkids, maybe focus on them when the time comes.  I know you probably can't do much from overseas, but I know that when I've had problems a kind email from a friend made a big difference.
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  • I think your feelings about this are perfectly normal.

    I kind of read this as a reminder to always treat others with kindness and respect. Imagine your (general your) last days making amends, that would be terrible.

  • Sounds normal to me. He wasn't the type of person you will miss. He had a place in your life because he is family, but he didn't actually make a positive contribution. Mourning for the man/father/grandfather/husband/uncle he could have been is understandable. At least there is something to be thankful for - he did change and make apologies. That's a lot of closure for the family at large.
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  • imageJetur20:
    Your feelings seem to make perfect sense given the situation.  Since you mentioned feeling for his daughters and the grandkids, maybe focus on them when the time comes.  I know you probably can't do much from overseas, but I know that when I've had problems a kind email from a friend made a big difference.

    I can't say it better than Jetur, I know this situation must be really hard (I have a horrible uncle who I am estranged from so I understand) but it sounds like you're focussing on the right things. 

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