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MIL wanting to stay over...
So I have posted a few times regarding my MIL. Long story short, she has been in an unhappy marriage with my FIL for as long as my DH can remember. Thus looks to others to fufill her needs. DH and had a DS two years and now have another on the way. My DH and I live in an area where we both grew up and all of my family is close by and half of DH's family is close. However, about 15 years ago my IL's moved to another state - about an hour and fifteen minutes away.
The first issue is that my IL's are jealous because my parents and some family members spend more time with DS. The second issue is in regards to my MIL wanting to stay at our house. The IL's also grew up where DH and I live now, so they still have a ton of ties and family in our area. So every time there is a birthday party, shower, funeral, christening etc. my MIL always wants to stay at our house on the premise that she wants to "spend time with the baby and you guys". Now I don't have a problem on occassion and I totally get that she wants to spend time with DS but my issue is that she assumes each and every time there is an event that she is staying over. Just last month, my DH called me at work at 4pm and said I just talked to my mother. She has to go to a funeral for so and so and is staying over tonight. Mind you, not only was it last minute, but my house was a mess!
Anyway, this weekend I have a baby shower on my DH's side on Saturday. My DS was also invited so I am bringing him. Then I have a birthday party on my side on Sunday. So DH tells me yesterday that he talked to his mother and he told her I was bringing my DS to the shower. And she says "oh, I was actually planning to stay over Saturday night to see the baby and spend time with you." And he said, let me talk it over because it sounds like it's a busy weekend. Now I am not against her spending time with my DS. In fact, I think it's fine if she came by our house after the shower and spent the afternoon and went home when DS went to bed. But I guess I don't get the whole staying over thing. My DH is on the same page. We just don't know how to broach this without hurting feelings. We both work full time and by the weekend we are exhausted. If she stayed over, that would mean I would be at a shower on Saturday with his family, then entertain his mother Saturday night and Sunday morning, then go to a party with my family. My whole weekend is blown! Maybe I am just bitter about how much little time I get for myself. I don't know.
Now, I'm not putting all the blame on my MIL. I talked to my DH a number of times about inititating conversations with his parents and figuring out days/times to spend together that works for all of us. But I think in some ways, my DH is angry at his parents and the way he's handling it is to distance himself. Any advice?? I'm at a loss...
Re: MIL wanting to stay over...
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First, a big problem is that your H is just telling you that his mother will be staying with you. If she asks to stay over then he should say, "Let me discuss it with JC and see if we're able to accommodate you that day," then he should ask you and compare schedules.
Talk to your H about what you think is a reasonable amount of time that MIL should spent overnight at your house. Then tell MIL that you need X days' notice if she wants a place to stay, otherwise you cannot accommodate her. If she asks to stay that same night, tell her that you can't accommodate her on such short notice, and don't explain or apologize any further than that. Don't try to talk your way out of it. Just say "no" and end the conversation.
Also, do you get along with her? Do you trust her with your son? Does she have a car? Realize that if she stays the night, you're not obligated to sit there with her and entertain her the entire time. Tell her that you're going out to run some errands and she is welcome to sit and read/watch TV in your living room. Or ask her if she wants to take your son to the playground while you take a nap, or if she'll watch him while you go out for a jog.
I think it just sounds like she's lonely. I think it's nice to throw her a bone once in a while and let her stay with you, but you have to be careful that she doesn't become dependent on you and your H for companionship. Try to suggest some local clubs, classes or activities that she might like, so that she can meet new people and have something to do with her time. And make it clear that while you're happy to host her, you (a) need X days' notice, and (b) you won't always be able to host her because you have other obligations. The bottom line is that it's YOUR home and YOU are the ones who get to set the rules about who can stay there and when.
DH told her he'd get back to her. So now, he needs to just call her up and say "yeah, mom, I didn't realize quite how busy this weekend is. Unfortuantely, staying over Saturday isn't going to work for us.".
If she gets hurt, well... so be it. At some point you're going to have to let her get hurt. And really, that's totally on HER. She is the one assuming she can stay w/ you w/ no regard to what plans you all may have.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Ok, the funeral thing I don't think you should be upset about. It's a FUNERAL - they happen last minute!
Aside from that, I'm wondering what the problem is - is it that you don't want to entertain MIL, or you feel like your home is a motel for whenever your MIL has an activity?
Some people feel that you should always stay with family if that is an option for a few days (my family is like this, as is dh's - fortunately my mom has a big house so we aren't the hosts!). You might be different, but that doesn't make MIL bad or wrong.
If you feel that you are in a corner to clean up and host MIL every time there is a family party, then you can make it clear that there are times that won't work for you. Yes, I would allow her to stay for a funeral even at the last minute, but aside from that, she can always leave early from parties like everyone else in the world who travels. Or, she can stay sometimes, but not every time - some days won't work for you, and she needs to understand that.
If she really wants to spend time with DS - you don't have to be home for them to bond! Tell her "we'd love to have you visit! We'll put you on babysitting duty and so you can get some one-on-one time with ds while we have dinner and a movie."
I'm also thinking your DH is pretty d*mn lazy. If he were so angry with his parents, he'd tell his mom she can't stay. That's not the case. He is being passive-aggressive if he won't make plans, but won't tell her he doesn't want to see her. You can always tell him it's fine if his mom comes over, as long as he cooks, cleans, and shops, and you expect the house to be guest clean, even if "it's only his mom."
I totally understand this. Weekends are your time to unwind & regroup...I get that. DH and I are a lot like this...if there is too much stuff going on during the weekend and we can't get a moment to ourselves, then we feel like the weekend never happened!
I am a lot like you w/hosting out of town company in that, I feel like the house has to be perfect, I have to wait on people, do what they want to do, entertain, etc. It gets to be exhausting...but I do it to myself.
How is your DH w/his mom during these visits? I am all for - hey, it's his mom, let him spend the qt time w/her
Maybe take advantage of these 'sleepovers' with MIL. Take yourself out and pamper yourself while she is there and don't worry about cooking or cleaning. Let DH handle that.
I agree w/PP's in saying that these sleepovers need to not happen so frequently. You're right - once DS goes to bed, the qt time MIL spends w/him is pretty much done...so, why the staying over? It doesn't seem necessary on her end. Just try your best to change the 'tone' on these visits and you will start to really see if it is MIL a.) wanting to spend that time with DS or b.) just wanting a place to hang out b/c she's lonely.
If she's unhappy at home, why wouldn't she sleepover your house at every oppoerunity and event. She has her son and grandchild there and it sounds like you trouble yourself to entertain her well.
I think you have to give yourself permission to say no. Like it's not going to be some crushing blow to not sleep at your house. Just becuase she expects to "sleep over and see your guys and the baby" doesn't mean you have to fulfull those expectations.
On the other hand, for a busy weekend, I think you're missing a golden opportunity to do a date night with your huband. With his mother in town, you can easily suggest dinner and a movie while she sits on your couch eating pizza. And with so many relatives so close, she can invite a sister or friend over to keep her company before bedtime.
Otherwise, say "No, not this weekend" and expect her to cope with the disapointment. If you never say no, how is she going to get the hint that she should assume it's always okay?
He distances himself by allowing her spend the night at your home every time she wants, which sounds like it's pretty often? That doesn't really make sense, in fact it sounds like he kinda steps on eggshells as to not "upset" her by telling her no. If he wanted to distance himself, he would tell her she can't spend the night.
He really needs to start stepping up and put a stop to these sleepovers. It's really unnecessary as an hour and a half isn't a far drive for a day trip. If she really feels the need to spend the night in town, she can find another family member or use a hotel rather than impose on you.
And she says "oh, I was actually planning to stay over Saturday night to see the baby and spend time with you."
at what point in time was she gonna share this with you?
so say no. it's not the end of the world. you dont have to give her a reason. just no. if she asks why you are perfectly within your right to jsut say 'its not a good time for us to have houseguests right now-maybe next time' and change the subject. your're right-your weekend IS your time to relax and unwind. i'm exhausted by the end of the week as well. it's also your time with dh and ds as a family to unwind and enjoy each others company.
she doesnt have to stay over for everything and shouldn't expect her to. i have a funny feeling that your dh hasn't ever told her this. i'm sure he doesnt want to hurt her feelings and it doesnt seem that she's being all that pushy considering he's always jsut said yes in the past HOWEVER she will continue to do thsi until DH says no-which he has to do. your house is not her house and it's not an open invite. he can simply tell her 'sorry mom, this weekend's no good for us (and no explinations!!). maybe we can make plans to meet for dinner soon'. end of story.
You and your H are boviously NOT on the same page.
Ditto.
Definitely this. It's a fine line because while it would be nice to check with you first, then if he calls back and says no it looks like it's only because of you. Maybe you could make general rules with your H - if she asks less then 48 hours in advance (when not for something unexpected like a funeral), then the answer is just "sorry, but you have to give us more notice, that won't work", and other times he says "I'll have to check our schedule and get back to you" instead of saying he'll have to check with you. Early on in our relationship there were a bunch of times that H would say he'd ask me on something and let them know and then he'd come and tell me "I don't really want to do this anyway". I explained to him that he was making me look bad and being a jerk and taking the easy way out by making it seem like I was calling the shots and he got the message and handles most of his parent's requests on his own now. Most of the time if parents hear "no" from their kids they might whine and complain and guilt trip, but they get over it whereas if they think it's coming from the spouse they hold a grudge.
This is exactly why we refuse to have a guest bedroom! My FMIL is always asking "Which room are you going to make a bedroom so that 'gramma' (SO's grandmother, not FMIL talking in 3rd person) can stay over?"
We always respond with, "We aren't planning on having a guest bedroom." My FBIL and FSIL have a guest room, and they are stuck having every relative on FBIL & SO's side staying at their house when they come down--NO thank you! We like our nursery and office just fine! And apparently they are above sleeping on the couch, because we've offered that and gotten the look. Gramma should NEVER be expected to sleep on the couch! *gasp* No, of course not, we should just go out and spend what little extra money we have on a f~cking bedroom set and make an entire bedroom in our house for her when she comes to visit 5 times a year, because that makes so much sense.
Anyway, in your case, ask your MIL to not sleep over. She is acting like your second child. How would she like it if just YOU stayed over at her house as often as she stayed at yours?! Why the heck can't she 'see the baby' during the freaking day or on your guys' days off? Your DH really needs to address the issue since it's his mother, but you can always tell her that both of you don't mind her coming to see DS, but the staying over is making things hard on you. Good luck sista!