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Boss & Vacation Time Problems
I work in a very small office (about 20 people) and we're a small, competitive international business. If one person is gone, projects slow down. My boss and I have a very good relationship, but he is a stickler for vacation time. He absolutely HATES people taking vacation time longer than two or three days, especially around Christmas. People can still do it, but we have to request his permission a few months in advance. We used to have to turn in our vacation schedule for the year in January, but they just did away with that policy this year for reasons unknown to me. He doesn't do LWOP or comp time except under the rarest of circumstances.
I get 2 weeks (10 days) of vacation for the year. I started here May 2008. That first year, our HR person told me I could take 2 weeks for the year, but she made a mistake because I wouldn't actually earn the full two weeks working May-Dec. I didn't take the full two weeks that first year, but I took enough that I was approx. 3 days in the hole that year. Now I'm 3 days in the hole every year! It doesn't cause any problems for the company, but they have encouraged me to try to "fix that" at some point (i.e. forgo vacation days). There are no stated consequence or time frame if I do not fix this; it just comes out of my final pay check, but I plan to work here indefinitely.
DH and I live in WA and our families are about 2 hours away from each other in OK. We got married this March and we used 9 of my 10 vacation days for the wedding in OK and honeymoon in the BVI. I was an AMAZING trip, but taking the vacation time off from my boss was really stressful. I haven't taken any other vacation this year, but my grandfather died near the end of August and I took 3 days of bereavement leave to fly home for the funeral (we had a policy saying I could take 3 days, but my boss had me near tears when he asked if I really needed all three days). Still, he let me have it and I was totally grateful for it, and he was nice about it after I got back from the funeral.
Now we're trying to figure out out our trip home for Christmas and I have only one day of vacation left. I get Monday, Dec. 26th off automatically (since Christmas is on Sunday). DH and I are trying to figure out if I should:
A. Take my last vacation day, and try to cram seeing my family, DH's family and any friends we can into about 2 days (Flying WA-OKC or vice versa takes pretty much an entire day),
B. Try to lobby for an extra vacation day (offer to work for comp time or take LWOP, although my boss always tries to work around this to give an extra vacation day, putting me further in the hole), or
C. Disappoint the family but avoid a whole load of stress and travel costs by staying home for Christmas. This will help me work my way out of the vacation hole, but that means spending Christmas alone (DH's office is closed Christmas Eve thru New Year's Day, so it only make sense for him to spend that time with his family).
We both have grandparents in their 90s and our primary justification for going home for Christmas is so we can see them. Our parents and some siblings have been able to visit us in WA. I usually end up flying back alone and DH flys back in time to be with me on New Year's, but we're not desperate to be with each other for the holidays because we see each other plenty any given day. We have no kids to complicate the plans obviously.
So what would you do and why? Thanks in advance!
Re: Boss & Vacation Time Problems
If it were me, I'd just stay home this year. However, I think your H should stay as well... the whole "it makes sense for him to go and spend time with family" doesn't really work to me. You are his family.
Since you took 9 days off for your wedding, knowing you only have 10, I think it is reasonable for your employer to expect that.
FET - transferred two embryos (boy and girl) - Nov 2014 - BFP!
Well, first, you could go home, but you don't HAVE to cram seeing "everyone". Really, you don't. DH and I used to live far away and coming home was a 10 hour drive. We didn't force ourselves to see "everyone".
Past that, though, ultimately, I vote for C. Your family will live if you don't go home. But I'm also w/ IloveRedVino- YOU are your DH's family now. Why wouldn't he stay w/ you?
If you REALLY don't care, sure, send him off if it works for the two of you. I wouldn't want to do that, but I'm not you!
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I agree that he is my family. His family is my family, too, and vice versa. My one problem with your suggestion is that we see each other every day and he sees most of his family less than a full week each year. I feel like it would be incredibly selfish of me to keep him from seeing his family the one time of year he gets free time off (Christmas thru New Year's the office is closed; he doesn't even have to use vacation time). Yeah, the idea of sitting on the couch alone on Christmas sucks, but I would feel guilty keeping him from going to see family that he hardly ever gets to see and some may not be around much longer. I could volunteer somewhere for Christmas keep from getting lonely or maybe even get an offer to spend Christmas with some friends or something. The main problem is that I don't see any of the family being cool with me not going to OK for X-mas, with or without DH, because then it seems selfish of me not to visit.
When we have kids, it'll be a different story; DH and I will definitely stick together for Christmas then. We're hoping our families might be able to cut us a break and come to us for a Christmas or two once we start poppin' out the kiddos.
I don't think its selfish of you to want be an employee with good standing at your job. Your family is kind of selfish for insisting that you blow off your job, to eat some food with them in person. Yes, family is important, but so is your job. I don't see what is stopping them from visiting you.
If I were in that situation I would not take the days as soon as possible, and have them produce such in writing that you did so.
Or just pay them for the days and call it even.
Tell me about it! My family got really pissy when my boss was hinting that I shouldn't take all three days of bereavement leave. I've actually flown home 3 times this year already (wedding shower/bachelorette one weekend, then the wedding, then my grandfather's funeral) and I'm kind of ready to just stay home, but I've always been with family for Christmas so it's hard to imagine not going.
I would love for them to come to us, but my family doesn't have the money to fly out. My mom and grandmother are currently still supporting my unemployed sister (have been off and on for serveral years, but that's a different story). Some of DH's family has come a few times, but he has a huge family of aunts, uncles and cousins that we pretty much only see at Christmas. Most of them could care less if we decided to stay home one year, but my family is really small and tight-knit and they know we can afford the trip.
And thank you, I also wanted to add that I agree that it shouldn't be selfish of me to want to be in good standing at my job. My boss has been an amazing mentor to me and I actually have a career in my field, so I don't want to jeopardize it. Most of my family have or had government jobs where they get a smaller salary, but more time off and because of that, they think my boss is a total scrooge. My boss pays me well because I can't just run off on vacation or call in sick when I've earned time for it. I want to respect that, but I do value time with my family, so I try to be fair and spend time with them, but that means going to them.
I think I'm going to start Skyping or something to stay in touch with my family a little better. Phone calls just don't seem to work for a lot of them and I think being able to see each other might help them get over not seeing me so often.
I already offered to pay or let them take the days from my next paycheck and they wouldn't do it. No reason why, but it's probably a headache to calculate and fix the bankroll issues.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Haha, good point! My mom has mentioned the idea of moving to WA when that happens to be closer to grandchildren. The idea makes DH cringe a little, but the thought of her helping us with child care ain't so bad.
I'm the first in my family to move more than a day's drive from home, so the guilt trip has been pretty heavy because of that, but hopefully my sister or my cousins will do the same and take the pressure off us. DH family is pretty spread out, but generally they all make it home (OK) for Christmas.
My Blog
This is soooo true. It doesn't get any easier when you have kids. I think that you and DH need to stay home and celebrate Christmas together. He could go visit his family for a few days in between Christmas and New Year's.
THIS!!!! We stopped going home two years ago and now I can't imagine doing it differently. I love having our own traditions and time with my family is much less chaotic if I go for a long weekend not centered around a holiday.
They'll grumble for a bit but will eventually get over it, you're an adult and you are starting a new family (whether you have kids or not), time to start making your life in WA a priority.
BUT you have a life in your new home, and in time, when you have kids, that life will become more and more important. Your kids shouldn't grow up w/ every Christmas being a marathon of flying and then running from home to home. Some Christmas's, sure. But not EVERY.
And both you AND your family have to come to terms w/ that and like I said, I think the earlier you lay the groundwork for doing what works best for YOU and not your family, the easier it will be down the road.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I can go for the long weekend and fly back and DH stay the free week. This is what we normally do, and it's one of the options I posted in my OP, but I feel like it wouldn't be worth the airfair unless I take my last vacation day for the year, too. I had to pay $900 for the flight home for my grandfather's funeral because none of the airlines could do bereavement airfar or cut me any breaks and it cost almost as much as our honeymoon airfair WA-OK-BVI-WA. That price is ridiculous!
This is what we're thinking about doing now. The problem is that his Mom's family always celebrates Christmas Eve and then his Dad's family celebrate Christmas Day, so if he celebrates those with me, he would miss out on both family events anyway. He'll still be able to see my MIL and FIL and some family, but not everyone together around Christmas dinner, and he may miss out on seeing one his brothers. But, we're planning to visit that brother in Boston next year anyway and we're planning to go back to OK in June for a friend's wedding and to meet his stepsister's first child (she's due in January, so it'll be after the hoopla dies down).
Thanks! I feel like my mom especially can't handle the idea of me not being there and she guilt trips me the hardest. Part of me feels like I have to go for her this year, espeicially because this is the first year without my grandfather and she is having her hip replaced in November and she won't have both daughters at Chrsitmas to look forward to.
Also, my Dad is getting remarried and was really looking forward to me meeting his new wife at Christmas,but my Dad isn't a big guilt tripper. I'm interested in meeting her, too, because my last stepmom was a total hose beast, lol. My one concern if I don't go back is that he won't attempt to see my sis at Christmas and she'll guilt trip me about that (my Dad and sis don't get along because she is always asking him for money and she gets into a lot of trouble that sets my Dad off, but they both behave better when I'm there).
I definitely know what you mean.Last Christmas totally sucked, because both our parents are divorced and we had 5+ Christmases to attend between parents and grandparents and I went back to work completely haggard after the trip. We had to do a 5am flight on the way there to maximize our time and fly back getting in after midnight so I could get to work the next day. I can't imagine trying to do that with kids! I really wouldn't mind a Christmas at home with my kitty cat and some real R&R. We're just still going back and forth about how I can stay home and DH can have Christmas with me and with the OK family, too.