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Constantly thinks I'm going to leave/cheat on him

Sarahlouise777Sarahlouise777
in Sex & Romance

My fiance worries that I'm going to leave him or that I'm going to cheat. 

And when I asked if he wanted to try out some toys he got extremely upset saying that he's obviously not pleasing me in bed. He isn't as bad as I'm portraying him to be, he is really sweet. 

He also says that he is too far away and that I need someone better blah blah blah. I am so torn between what to do about him.  

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Re: Constantly thinks I'm going to leave/cheat on him

  • CiGiDancerCiGiDancer member
    Where is he?  Are you in a long distance relationship?  Has he always been so paranoid and self-conscious or is this new?
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  • theluckiest555theluckiest555
    He sounds like he has really low self esteem. Not much you can do about that but just assure him that you love him. And, I don't know what to tell you about the sex toys thing. he overreacted just a BIT there. Maybe he doesn't understand what you mean. Maybe tell him what toys you would like to use and why you think it would spice up your sex life. Bottom line, boy just has some self esteem issues. How long have you been together? Why does he think that you would cheat? Has he been cheated on?
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  • DaringMissDaringMiss member
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    I have two acronyms for you...

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  • stefwhitneystefwhitney
    Sounds exactly like a self esteem issue. How long have you been with him? I was like this years ago and mine was from being hurt in previous relationships. Maybe just build him up and encourage him. It's a process, but worth it.
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  • TarponMonoxideTarponMonoxide member
    Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    imageSarahlouise777:

    He also says that he is too far away and that I need someone better blah blah blah. I am so torn between what to do about him.  

    This guy's not interested in marriage. You need somebody better? Sure you want to stay with somebody who says this to you?

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  • EastCoastBrideEastCoastBride member
    Ancient Membership 10000 Comments 100 Love Its Name Dropper

    I agree that there is a self-esteem issue here.  The question is if you really want to be the one to take on that battle.  In the end, it's about HIM gaining self esteem for himself.  You can't do it for him.  I've seen people in relationships like this and it's an up hill battle all the way.  Is this what you want?  To always have to "build him up" and pander to his insecurities?

    What does he do for you in return?

     

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  • ebcristebcrist member
    Sixth Anniversary 10 Comments
    I used to be like this a little bit, and I still struggle with certain self-esteem issues. My DH and I talked about it (thankfully he is very communicative and helpful), and he expressed to me that it frustrated him when I always questioned my own worth and not being enough for him. With his encouragement, I have gotten a lot better, but I sometimes have to be very intentional about it. We dated long distance for two years (14 hours away) before we got married, so I know that clear communication about your feelings is important, as is patience on your part. It definitely doesn't have to be a deal-breaker, though!
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  • mjohns9mjohns9
    I used to be like this. Tell him to write a letter and be honest with himself about all his insecurities and read it back to himself outloud. It really starts to sounds ridiculous the more you read to yourself and helps you not be so down on yourself.
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  • LauraRGoodeLauraRGoode

    He definitely has self esteem issues. You have to build him up, I had to do that when my DH and I were engaged and I was away at college. Tell him often that you love him and how much he means to you. About the toys... Just explain your curiosity. You just want to see if you like them.

    He'll come around I'm sure. My DH did.  

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  • kjewellkjewell member
    A relationship without trust will never work.
    "You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness."
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  • ReturnOfKuusReturnOfKuus member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 100 Love Its Name Dropper
    He sounds like a drag.  If I were you, I'd find someone who wasn't such a downer project of a guy.
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  • MintChocoChipMintChocoChip

    Has he cheated in the past?  On you or on another girlfriend?  

    My STBXH used to say this all the time--he was a cheater. 

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  • KyleandAndreaKyleandAndrea
    Have you given him a reason to think you are cheating or leaving? If you are to the point where you are ready to say "I do" then I would totally recommend sitting down with him or Skyping (my fiance travels a lot and its amazing) and having a conversation about this.  Is there an end in sight for the distance and this is just something small you have to get through?
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  • rogerskevinrogerskevin
    You know about the usual rating that people put to one another like she is an 8 and he is a 3 and all. I think he is among such kind of group which doesn?t think of him to be worthy of you. I used to do the same to my wife when we were dating. I would  blurt out like maybe we were not meant to be together and all. Try to talk him out of it.
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