Family Matters
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Rude Family Members
How do I deal with my RUDE BIL?? He is not rude to me, but he is embarrassingly rude to others! He lives in another state and is visiting this week, so far we've been out to eat twice and I wanted to punch him both times! He thinks everyone is beneath him, and to be honest he's ridiculous, his life accomplishments are NOT impressive. He said something to the waitress last night that visibly upset her, I didn't even hear it, I just saw her reaction and tried to just smile and change the subject. I can't stand people who are so horrible to restaurant staff, I mean, it reflects on everyone at the table and I want to eat there again! He's an angry, snobby, ungrateful human being, and I don't know how to handle him other than to not go out in public with him anymore. The rest of the family treats him like a ticking time bomb and refuse to say anything to him when he treats everyone like dirt, I'm about to explode in anger at him and most likely then I will just have to leave because nobody will take my side until he goes back home. Thank god he doesn't live close.
I guess this turned into more of a rant, but if you have any advice on how to deal please share!
Re: Rude Family Members
BIL - sister's husband, or your husband's brother? Difference in the way you approach him.
If he is your sister's husband, I would either talk to your sister about how his words / actions are not acceptible to you, and that you are giving him warning b/c you will speak up next time and tell him.
If it is your H's brother, I would ask your H why he doesn't say anything to his brother. If your H doesn't say anything to him (problem in itself - why aren't his values alligned with yours?), then stop going out with the group when BIL is around. Let BIL know the reason.
The reason your BIL continues is b/c nobody says anything to him. That's the same as everyone saying "we agree with your views. It's ok."
He sounds very much like my BF's brother. His GF is just as bad. No one has ever put either of them in their place. I'd gladly do it given the opportunity, but it's not my family. I have expressed my feelings to my BF and he "handled it". IMO that's the only thing that can be done. In both of our situations, the families know the behavior is unacceptable. IMO, its not our place to do or say anything.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Agreed. You do have control over yourself and your actions. You refusing to be around this behavior would probably speak volumes without saying a word.
If he's not saying anything directly to you, then I don't think there's much you can do about it. If he's insulting your in-laws or whoever else, then they are responsible for standing up for themselves. I don't see what they're possibly "afraid" of, unless BIL is going to pull a gun on them or something. Ultimately it's their own fault for not correcting this behavior when he was young.
If he's insulting someone like a waitress who really can't fight back, one option is to just ignore him. He's probably looking for a reaction. If he's insulting a waitress, interrupt him to start a different conversation with the rest of the table. There's also the option of saying point-blank, "Why would you say something so rude?" but then that could create an awkward argument in a public place and I don't know if you want to do that. I would feel bad for the waitress as well, but unfortunately that's sometimes a part of the job. I am sure that yoru BIL is not the only rude jackass that she's ever dealt with. Leave her a big tip if you feel that badly for her.
It sounds like your best bet is to avoid him, and turn down dinner invitations if he'll be there. If your BIL or in-laws ask why you're not attending, your H should be honest and say, "We're really embarrassed by BIL's behavior, so we'd rather skip it than start a fight." Let your H handle this and you stay out of it.
There's nothing you can say or do that's going to make him say, "Gee golly, you're right, I am being rude! I'm so sorry and I'm going to turn a new leaf." He's just going to get confrontational and insist that he's not being rude, or the waitresss "deserved it," etc. Just ignore him and stop inviting him places or attending dinners with him. Maybe your in-laws will get the hint and stop inviting him as well.
I have a few family members that I can only take in small doses...very, VERY, small doses and it's getting to the point, where I am going to have to eliminate face-to-face time completely w/them. Life is too short - you already don't get to spend enough qt time with the people you love & actually want to be around, so why put yourself through hell just because of some obligation?
I would just explain to DH that while BIL is his brother & maybe he is conditioned or can tolerate his behavior - you cannot. That as long as everyone kicks back and pretends as though things are peachy, BIL will remain clueless. Actions speak, so by not socializing with this man, maybe, just maybe, he will get the hint.
Unfortunately though, a lot of people like this just don't see their behavior as a problem. Therefore, all you can do is remove yourself from having to deal with him - you cannot change him.
I bet he's eaten a lot of spit in his food. I disagree that it reflects poorly on you, if you treat the wait staff kindly, they will appreciate it, even with a jerk at the table.
And leave a big tip.
you can always pull the waitress aside out of sight from bil and apologize for him.
dont go out with him.
My brother is an ***, the rest of my family defends him and wonders why we're not close (and better yet, blames me for it), but the point is I don't have to be "friends" with him just because he's my brother.
Stop hanging out with this jerk, I get family functions, but why would you go out to eat with him twice in one week?!?!
If it was my brother, I would talk to him. Your H should do the same. It's not really your place to talk with him, IMHO, but your H should have no problem talking to your BIL about his rude behavior. If your H can't make headway, then just stop having him over to visit. Again, I love my family more than the next person, but people who are just rude to others and don't care don't deserve to have positive energy around them.
You BIL sounds like my BIL (H's bro). DH already told his family that we will not go out in public with this BIL, and they do not understand why. (my BIL is a drug addict to add fuel to that fire). We will go to events at families house but have left in the past if BIL is rude to anyone at all.
I also bring my niece to play with DH neice all the time as they love hanging out together, but I will not bring her over if BIL is going to be there. I could never get over the fact that my niece could learn something bad from him.