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DH and weight gain
I am a regular poster but wanted to go unknown for this post, I'm sorry but it'll probably be a little long.
I'm really not sure what to do anymore and looking for your ladies suggestions. My DH has gained a LOT of weight in the past year. He's now tipping the scales at 250 to his shorter frame (5'6''). He's managed to gain 20 pounds already since the start of this year. His clothing doesn't fit anymore, it's obvious his shirts are getting small and he's claiming I shrunk them.
This gain is affecting everything, he's not sleeping well at night, he says he doesn't feel good, doesn't feel right, no energy and gets tired all the time. It's affecting me as well since I'm starting to get "turned off". He has gone to see the primary care doctor, they did a complete blood tests as well as physical and there is nothing that would indicate a medical condition. They just said he's overweight but cholestrol, thyroid, blood pressure were all in the "normal" range.
I know you're thinking then it has something to do with eating, what's in the house, dinners etc. I cook dinner and they are healthy meals (usually chicken or fish), a salad, veggie, fruit. The problem is coming in what he's eating when he's not at home. He'll pack his lunch usually of a sandwich, yogurt, fruit but eat that at maybe 10. He'll then go out for a late lunch for fastfood. I don't keep snack foods in the house or junk food since I will have a hard time resisting so it's better for me not to keep in around. The problem is he'll eat dinner (larger portion), then 2 hours later snack again, or wait until I go to bed to make popcorn etc. I've realized I need to cook different. I like to cook maybe 3 or 4 chicken breast for example and have that the leftovers for my lunch the next day.
Last week was what alerted me to the snacking again. He said he needed to go to Target for deoderant. It was already 9pm and I was exhausted and didnt want to go. Well he didn't just buy deoderant - he bought snack foods - chips, oatmeal snack things, etc. He doesn't know I found the receipt and the oatmeal cream pie wrapper (little debbie I think?) in the garbage the next day.
I have tried to get him to work out and he just doesn't. He has a gym membership at his work that he's been paying for ($20/month) for well over a year. I can probably count on one hand the number of time's he's used it. I try to get him to take a walk with me and the dog at night but he won't. I've tried to get him to come with me for my fitness classes and he won't.
I'm literally stuck with what to do. I work out 5 days a week, eat healthy etc and have managed to drop 20lbs in about 5 months. I have another 20 to go for my goal weight. (yay me!).
What do you suggest? When I try and bring it up he gets incredibly pi$$ed and says to lay off of him. I don't want to keep on him but I want him to realize he needs to do something.
Edit:
I did forget to add one thing. He is clinically depressed, he doesn't need to see his therapist every month (every 3 when he gets his Rx refills.
Re: DH and weight gain
Is there any chance he could be depressed? That's what immediately came to mind when I read your post.
I am sorry you are going through this.
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I agree with the previous posters about something else going on.
For us, DH has gained weight as well, while I have lost some. I try to cook very healthly and I keep limited snack food in the house. The key for me is I keep snack size things (100 calorie pack) so if he snacks it is not the whole bag of chips, etc.
My DH does not pack a lunch so I have no control of what he eats. When we eat together at lunch I notice he is trying to change the way he eats. I just know he needs to do it in his time and in his way.
We love biking, so if I am willing to go, he will too. So, we are trying to go much more often these days!
Well, it may be that he's stress eating too. Ironically, one of the best ways to reduce stress is exercise...
this exactly!!
did he work out before the weight gain started or are you hoping he will now start as a way to lose weight? men usually dont fare well on that track (working out to lose weight) b/c they dont keep it up along with the healthy eating that's needed. can you think about healthier snacks for the house? for example, popping popcorn that without oil (not the pre-packaged ones) ... also, does he drink? alcohol tends to add the pounds too. finally, have you just been blunt with him? that's a lot of weight to gain so quickly. sounds like the dr hasnt given him a reason to slow down so you'll have to by telling him how you feel.
He didn't work out in the past either. As for the healthy snacks I do keep popcorn kernels on hand since we have an air popper but he'll load it with salt and butter which is defeating the purpose, he'll also pop about 4 cups and it it in one sitting.
I haven't been blunt but maybe I need to. I know the reason he's not feeling well is because of the weight gain. I went down that road with myself before making a change and I don't feel like I used too. I used to be sluggish like this until I brought exercise back full time.
It's going to hurt to be this blunt. His parents have noticed the increase in poundage but haven't said anything to him either for fear or not knowing what to say.
It can be very difficult to find energy and motivation for things like exercise and weight loss when you're depressed. Tackle the depression first, and the rest may follow. Also encourage him to look for a new job.
Sounds like he's not seeing a therapist as much as just getting meds. My first suggestion is to get him to see a doctor on a more regular basis for his depression.
My husband has PTSD from Iraq. I know something of what you're going through. I could have written parts of this post. My DH's weight yo-yos. Sometimes it's based on his meds. Some meds will slow down his metabolism. If he isn't properly medicated, he will self-medicate with food. Sometimes he eats for comfort. My DH snacks like yours late at night and eats fast food at work. My husband has a mental block on working out as a part of his PTSD. I won't get into the details. I try to get him to take walks with me. It's the only exercise I can talk him into sometimes.
I agree with this. The meds aren't working if he is still showing signs of depression. He may need a new type or a dosage change. I would start with expressing your concern for his mental health first. It sounds like he is still depressed. Ask him to see the doctor more regularly and encourage him to talk to the doctor about what is bothering him. I know this is easier said than done. Hopefully changes with meds and more frequent therapy can help get him back on the right track. Then you can tackle the physical changes, but start with the mental health first and if the depression gets evened out, the physical changes will be a lot easier to make.
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Carolyn Hax has dealt with this question a few times and I liked her advice (although I can't remember what it was). You might want to look at the washingtonpost.com site and see if you can find it in the archives.
I do agree with everyone else though that he should get his meds evaluated.
I definitely agree that his depression is affecting his eating. I would really express your concern based on his depression and his mood. A soul-sucking job can really carry over into other parts of your life. I've been there.
In your H's case, add in a history of depression and you have some serious food medication.
Focus on the depression and hopefully you can integrate some healthier habits into his life. Maybe you both could sign up for a 5k and start the couch to 5k program. It's great for beginners.
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My FIL is grossly overweight. My MIL tried all the things you've listed (cooking healthy, encouraging exercise, etc.) but nothing worked. FIL also has some of the issues your DH faces (hates job, high stress, issues with depression, etc.). She spent decades hinting, encouraging, begging, etc. around the issue.
A few months after he had a heart attack she finally sat him down and told him, "I need to be able to share something with you. I know what I'm about to say will probably hurt your feelings and possibly leave you angry with me but this is important.
You're being selfish. When we got married, we became ONE. When we married you were supposed to stop thinking about YOU and start thinking about US. We made a promise till death. You are being reckless in that promise to me and shortening our time together. "
She had prepared a notebook with the names and numbers of doctors/therapists that took their insurance, information on various weight loss plans (WW, JC, etc.), health clubs and private training options, even info on gastric bypass. She said she didn't want to discuss it for a week. In that week she asked that he process what she was feeling, think about his options, and in one week he needed to share with her his plan for better health. He was in charge of creating a plan and had a deadline.
Again - this happened after decades of frustration on her part ending in a serious health scare but it's what finally worked for FIL. He's not exactly a smashing success now, but the dynamic has changed, he's accountable for the plan HE designed and it's become a responsibility as a good husband thing vs a 'you're fat and gross' thing.
I agree with this whole heartedly. My DH has had major fluctuations in his weight in the last year. He successfully used Weight Watchers Online but then was diagnosed with Crohn's and oddly, even with the Crohn's has had significant weight gain (he has also been on prednisone for a few months now). He is definitely a snacker, and stress eater. But whenever I say something about the weight gain, it's like taking a mile in steps back. It's even worse when his parents or his grandma say something. I have decided that I cannot personally control his decisions about his eating choices when I'm not around. But getting to the root of the problem or encouraging him to return to his therapist more frequently may be beneficial.
I think this is one of the hardest things to deal with. There isn't a whole lot you can do besides be supportive and continue healthy eating habits and purchases for your household.
I have found with DH that if I cut up fruit or veggies and sit down to eat some, he is more likely to also eat them. Not sure what it is, but he rarely cuts up fruit for himself, but if I cut it, he eats it.
Being a fatso, myself... I like this approach (in addition to making sure that he's on the right meds, looking for a new job, and getting more "talk" therapy....)
I ditto the comments re: actually talking to a therapist vs. just refilling a rx.
It's a tough situation for both of you. Babygirlpriest's MIL's tactic is a way this fatty would also be receptive to.
eta: i've been thinking & the snacking/overeating thing isn't the red flag for me...it's the hiding food consumed. I mean, presumably you don't yell at him for snacking so why does he feel like he needs to hid it? maybe it's not depression (so his meds are working for that), but something else is going on. Talking to a professional would help figure that out, IMO.
For whatever reason, I can only eat cut fruit...I can not bite into an apple or strawberry anymore, I have no idea why.
Anyway, I'm late to post but hopefully you will see it. My DH and I both gained a large amount of weight after I had DS, it was awful. I gained more weight after giving birth then I did pregnant! We would occaisionally talk about needing to do something, and maybe for a day or two we would eat healthy or exercise, but nothing stuck. We just weren't ready to fully take charge. A couple things happened to get me on track: all around me at work I had people losing weight. Now, they were either doing it by using drugs (phenetermine) or surgery (lap band), and I had no interest in those methods, but they were losing weight and it got me thinking. Then I went on a little vacation and saw pictures of myself, yuck! And I needed to buy some new clothes, and that was a very unhappy experience. So I started to look around the internet for healthy weight loss strategies and diet ideas, and found an awesome weight loss center (if you want the name, PM me). This program, which isn't really anything special, no special foods or drugs to buy or anything, just a diet to follow, has worked amazingly. Amazing. My DH was still a holdout for a couple of weeks, but then he needed to buy new clothes for a new job and that opened his eyes as well. Now we are both on track and doing great, and are able to recognize that we were eating so much, and such junky stuff, because of stress and being unsatisfied with ourselves.
At any rate, my point is, your DH needs to truly look at himself and find the motivation from within. Maybe "accidently" ruin some clothes in the wash so he has to buy new stuff and see his new size, and geniunely look in the mirror. I don't think nagging him about it will ever do any good, it might just make him feel poorly about himself and continue the stress eating cycle. Maybe the idea posted earlier about confronting him with the idea that gaining this weight is being a bad husband and not living up to his wedding vows might work...but I really think you need to find a way where it is your DH's idea to lose weight. Good luck!