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Parent Health Problems
Why do parents think that they are protecting us when they keep secrets regarding their health?
My dad was up visiting this week for Nora's birthday. On Saturday, he told me that the reason he had to leave Weds (today) was because he had an MRI scheduled for Thursday. My dad has had a bad back (the WORST back) for 15-20 years, so I thought nothing of it. I casually said, "Oh, for your back?" and then he dropped a bomb--"No, for my kidneys." I said, "What's wrong with your kidneys? Are you having problems?" and he hesitated and then said, "I don't want to say anything until I know." Then he went on to say stuff like, "We all have to go sometime" and "We all have a number, we don't know when it's up."
So, of course, this has been bothering me ever since he said it. I'm fearing the worst (kidney cancer). I told him as much this morning--"Dad, are you going to let me know what's going on after your MRI?" He said, "I probably won't know right away." I said, "You're really freaking me out. I'm fearing all the worst things because you won't tell me anything." And he got this look on his face and just said, "Well, we'll see."
I feel like he knows already. If there was nothing to worry about, or it was likely to be something minor, why wouldn't he reassure me, especially after I told him he's scaring the crap out of me?
I talked to my mom (they're divorced) about it, and she and my dad both have histories in the medical imaging field. We were talking about how normally, they will do something else first--like an ultrasound or dye/xray or other test--to take an initial look. In these cases, MRI is generally used for staging and to see if it has spread elsewhere in the abdomen. Which, again, leads me to believe that he already knows. Add to that the fact that early stages of kidney cancer rarely cause any symptoms, and I am full-fledged freaking out here.
Re: Parent Health Problems
Heather, I'm so sorry!! Sending T&Ps to you and your Dad...I hope everything turns out ok. So I'm guessing he hasn't told your Mom either? I was going to suggest that if one parent won't tell you, talk to the other and see how much information you can get...
My family has a history of keeping secrets about health.Two years ago my Dad gained weight and started to look sick. He promised everyone it was nothing. Then apparently he almost passed out one day and had to go to the ER - and he and my Mom kept it from everyone! I still don't know exactly what the problem was (see, secrets!), but it was really serious. If he hadn't gotten help he could've died. Apparently this problem had been going on for awhile, and he'd been seeing doctors about it (and not telling anyone).
I was so mad at him. Now he tries to be much more candid because of how upset everyone was, but who knows. Luckily he bounced back and is ok (he's only 58), so I'm just thankful for that.
If it makes you feel any better, sometimes doctors take things to a higher level just to make sure. Doctors were actually fairly positive I had thyroid cancer two years ago, but after imaging and biopsies, it turned out I didn't. It took multiple procedures to get to that answer though. Scared the crap out of me.
I don't know why parents do that but mine do the same thing. They would freak out if the situations were reversed.
Agreed- although I've noticed that I'm starting to do the same thing now. I feel like if I'm worrying and stressing no need to make everyone else do it too. Plus I hate everyone asking me questions that I don't have the answer to, so I tend to keep it to myself until I know more and have a chance to come to terms with it.
Lot of T&P's to you and your family Heather- especially your dad.
Second, do you want me to ask DH about it? I imagine they'd do a biopsy if they suspected a kidney issue, no? J does native kidney biopsies all the time to test for myriad issues, not just cancer.
First and foremost - I hope that your dad is okay OR, worst case, whatever they suspect/see is easily treated and he is well again soon!
We (my brother, sister, and I) dealt with the same issue with my mom. When she found out she had colon cancer, she didn't want to share the news with us but my dad told her she had to - and even though it was incredible hard to hear, I am so thankful that she did share it with us.
After her initial diagnosis in 2007 she had other episodes of her not wanting to share information. Then her mother passed away in 2008 and her medical records became available. One holiday, my mom was casually talking about how she didn't know x, y, z from her mom's medical history that she may have been able to share with doctor's as family history. We took that opportunity to explain to her how important it was for her to share what's going on with her so that we can use that information to protect ourselves.
Obviously, that pulls on the parental heart strings because the a parent wants to do everything they can do to protect their children, right? So win-win...our mom shares her appointment findings with us immediately (good or bad news AND good or bad timing). She just puts it out there. Plus, we're her cheerleaders and give her all kinds of positive words of encouragement - which I think helps her feel better about it all.
So I pray that your dad is well. But I also pray that if there is an issue, that he will understand and appreciate the benefit of telling you all what's going on. It's important that the family understand what's happening and what the course of action is.
Keep us posted and let us know if we can do anything to help!!!
Thanks, all. I already had the sense that this secret-keeping is very common among parents, so I figured there would be some of you that could also relate. What the heck?!
My mom knows nothing. When I told her last night (the little that I knew), she was shocked.
Megan--If you think Jim could offer any insight based on the very little that I know, feel free to ask him for me. It's not necessarily the MRI part that is freaking me out--it's the fact that he won't say anything. Like I said, just seems like if there was nothing to really worry about, he would tell me as much.
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Neena Mae. 1/7/10
"A baby nursing at a mother's breast is an undeniable affirmation of our rootedness in nature." - David Suzuki
I hope that everything turns out to be ok Heather!
I don't really know that either me or Sam's parents do this, but Sam does it to his parents, especially his mom. He didn't want to tell her anything about his heart condition until he knew exactly what it was. She could make herself sick with worry. I guess this way he figures she doesn't have to worry about the unknown...when it turns out to be something then she can just make herself sick with worry about what we KNOW is an issue.
I'm not saying that it's the right way to do things at all...but I have seen it from the other side. Either way, health issues are no fun to deal with.
I feel like, if this was the approach he was going to take, he shouldn't have said anything to me at all. I appreciate that he didn't lie to me when I asked him what the MRI was for--lying would be worse than not saying anything--but when you tell your daughter you're getting an MRI, what do you expect her to ask? Of course I was going to want to know what it was for! It just seems like he shouldn't have even mentioned the MRI then. Now, I'm worried AND I'm frustrated because I don't have all of the information.
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Oh, I totally get where you're coming from. That does suck that you have some of the information, but not all of it.
I hope you get some answers soon.
My parents are the same way and it drives me NUTS!
You and your dad will be in my thoughts and prayers
This would definitely make me anxious, nervous, and scared. Bigs hugs to you, and many prayers going out to your Dad.
Thoughts and prayers for your dad, you, and the family!
MIL told DH and me she had breast cancer a couple of days before her mastectomy. Along with trying to protect us, I also think she's was in denial and knew when she told us it was more real.
I know how you feel. My mom hid her breast cancer diagnosis from us for months before we found out, and I never even knew the true extent of it until a couple of years ago (she's been in remission for about 12 years.)
I'm so sorry about your dad. I hope it's treatable and that he's ok.