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in-law advice desperately needed
Hi, there. I'm at a loss for how to deal with this situation, and I'll appreciate any input.
I've always had a very good relationship with my in-laws. Granted, there has always been blatant favoritism of the other daughter-in-law, which has always annoyed my husband and I, but we've always let it slip because we can't say his parents have been "bad" in their dealings with us.
We live in NJ; they live in Florida, despite the whole family being here in NJ. Now that there are grandchildren (our kids and his brothers'), it's become a constant battle (for lack of a better word) for their time. Essentially, his sister-in-law demands they spend more time with them and their kids, and they do it. We've finally spoken up about this--saying it's not fair, that our children should have just as much exposure, that it's ridiculous. In addition, they have missed milestones big and small for our children (1st birthdays, EVERY holiday), but have made most of the other grandchildren's. We invite them for every single Christmas, they decline every year because they prefer to spend it in Florida (when his brother and sister-in-law and kids, all of whom are Jewish and refuse any OTHER Christian influence except Christmas, which I don't understand). The one year they accepted they told us they'd come but would be staying with my brother in law et al "so they didn't feel left out" (mind you, of course they were invited to celebrate Christmas at our home, too). We had a new house, a new baby, and it was to be our first Christmas in our first home. They wound up not coming anyway.
My husband finally said something, when my mil came up for an entire week and didn't spend one bit of it with us or our kids. There has never been a fight, disagreement, etc., between any of us. He practically begged his mother to come and see the kids, and she said she would. She didn't. No excuses, no apologies, just didn't come. They also planned to come up for our son's first birthday, but told us two days ago they wouldn't, with no real excuse. His dad came up on business and brought the kids bday presents as he explained they wouldn't now be coming for the bdays. (I wanted to throw them at him).
Now, two days ago, they offered to fly us to Florida for Christmas or Thanksgiving, because, as he said, "we haven't been down there in a while". I am so peeved. He knows full well the reasons we haven't been down in over 2 years--little vacation time coupled with very little spare money in addition to the fact that I wasn't ALLOWED to fly for health reasons and then had a newborn. They also threw in how nice it is that his brother and sister in law and kids fly down each year for Christmas-yes, they do. They have the week off b/c school's closed that week, AND they are Jewish so it doesn't mean they'd have to leave any other family on a major holiday, like I would--it's not a terrible sacrifice for them. (Note my family invites the entire group of them to their house for Christmas if they'd agree to come up).
I'm now at a point where I just want to write them off altogether. I can't believe the nerve of them. When my husband tried to address it, my mil acted as if she was being attacked instead of responding to the question of her behavior. I don't understand what is going on, but even IF they had any issues with us (which we wouldn't know about, because they always act as if all is fine), why in the heck wouldn't you at least make an effort to see your grandkids--ALL of them, especially when you're visiting an hour away???
So, very sorry for the long post, but wanted to give you a full picture. I really don't know what to do about it. I'll appreciate your input!
Re: in-law advice desperately needed
I don't really know what you can "do" other than adjust your expectations. You can't force them to do something they clearly don't want to do.
It sucks. It REALLY sucks that they treat their grandkids differently. I feel you on that. But it's their choice.
I think I'd pull back. Stop expecting them to come, and even at times, don't invite them. if you KNOW they won't come, then don't invite them.
As your kids get older, yes, on some level they'll probably notice. But at the same time, a part of this is on YOU to not make an issue of it. The less you notice it and talk about it and get angry about it, the less it will be on their radar. And if they do notice, you can teach them how every relationship is different and some people are closer to certain people than others.
What about your parents? Are they around? Are they involved? If so, put more energy into that. And if your kids ever bring it up, you can say "Well, you have my parents to be close to, and they have dads parents to be close to."
Focus on the positive as best you can.
I will caution you, though. The part about their offer? You're really hostile and taking it really personal. yes, you have your reasons for not going to FL. But the truth of the matter still is that you haven't been down there in awhile, right? They are offering to fly you down. If you want to go, then go.
But I dont' see what "nerve" this has to do with.
I get your overall frustration with them, but my caution is don't start LOOKING for things to be mad at. That isn't going to help.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
It sounds like they might be afraid of your SIL/BIL. Or at the very least, they come running every time SIL and BIL ask them to.
If you want them to visit, then your husband should just say that you'll gladly accommodate them on [dates]. If they're the type to blow off a trip after promising to come, then I wouldn't go out of your way to arrange anything for them. Try to play it by ear as much as you can. If you are frustrated that they keep canceling their trips to see you, then just stop inviting them and hopefully they will get the hint. If they complain that you never see each other, just say, "Well, we invited you on [x] and you always said no, so we don't know what to tell you."
If they want you to visit, either accept the trip or just say, "Sorry but that won't work with our schedule" and leave it at that. If they complain that SIL and BIL always visit them and you guys don't, just say, "Well, that's nice for BIL and SIL, but you know that we have other obligations that make it difficult for us to travel" and don't explain any further.
If your husband feels bad then he should calmly say to them, "I wish we could see each other more often. I feel like you visit with BIL/SIL a lot more often and I don't understand why you don't make the same effort for us." If MIL complains then he should gently say, "Mom, don't get upset. Let's talk about this rationally and figure out what to do." And if she STILL yells about it then he should say, "Mom, clearly you're too upset to talk right now. Let's call again once you've calmed down" and then hang up the phone.
There's really nothing you can do about this. It may be unfair and borderline mean, but ultimately it's their time and they can do as they wish with it. I don't blame you for being upset, but you can only control YOUR reactions to this situation, not theirs.
Thanks, ladies. You are right--I should just let it be what is is and not try to get so affected by it. But the reality is, we WANT a relationship with them, and more so, whant our kids to have a relationship with them. Moreover, they pretend to want a relationship with us (e.g., they came up to help when our son was born, and really did help).
Also, I re-read my message. I should be clear that of course (when able), I'd be willing to flip holidays and spend time down there, but why would I blow off my family who is around and kind to us all year at Christmastime when his parents clearly don't care as much about our kids as their other grandkids--except at Christmas, when they want to have an "idyllic" family time Christmas?
I'm not going to accept. We are definitely telling them that it's not feasible for us and leaving it at that.
Again, thanks so much for your insights!
I agree w/Cas's point.
If BIL & SIL put forth the effort to fly to FL every Christmas (whether it's an important holiday to them or not), your IL's see that. You said it yourself when you said that you, DH & the kids have not been to FL in 2 yrs. I don't think IL's are trying to be malicious w/their behavior - I don't...they may even interpret this as you guys not needing to see them so much, if that makes sense? If you treat your side of the family (local or not) as the primary holiday, normal location, IL's may just think your relationship with them is more casual?
It sounds like there is a lot of subtle finger pointing with no one really willing to act to resolve the situation.
Maybe the fact that you won't travel to them for XMas makes them feel like you're choosing your parents over them so they invest more time with BIl and SIL. Who knows. If you want to try and turn this around I would thank them profusely for the offer of plane tickets, let them know that Christmas is tricky for you, but ask if you could come day after or something like that. They have offered free plane tickets, find a way to take them up on it.
And when they're visiting an hour away, maybe offer to come to them. It's an hour for either group.
I think its fine to be upset and hurt that you're not being treated the same, but if you want your kids to have a good relationship with them it sounds like you'll have to put in more efforts than your ILs.
I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I agree with some of the pps - you need to adjust your expectations. They obviously aren't all that interested. It hurts, I know. My grandparents are like this. They go to see my cousins frequently and my cousins visit them all the time. My brother and I are like the black sheep. I've called and emailed them to come visit them, but I get no response (and I know they have gotten my emails because I'll get a funny joke forwarded the next day). Finally, I gave up. Oh well. I see them once a year, maybe. And I don't go out of my way for that anymore.
But that's how it was for my dad growing up. He was always the black sheep and his sister was the golden child. We were all just an extension of that relationship. Is BIL the golden child? Do they treat your husband differently?
I don't think there is anything you can do to change this. It sucks. But look at the bright side, you don't have to cart your kids around at holidays from house to house and can enjoy your own traditions!
It sounds like they have made their decisions and are happy with them. Unfortunately, that leaves you and your dh hurt. But there is a solution to this- quit inviting them. Quit expecting them to do things that they have shown they have no intent of doing. Back off from them and let it go as their loss.
I know you want your kids to be around them, but do you really want your kids to be around people who so blatantly show their favoritism?
Can you fly to FL on Dec. 27th or something? Start a tradition of being down there for New Year's Eve?
What does your H say about this? When I was reading your post, I was wondering if they have always gotten along better with their other son (your BIL), or if they don't particularly care for you.
I agree with PPs, you may just need to adjust your expectations. Does your SIL have parents close by? Maybe they know your parents are around, but SIL's aren't?
As a last resort, perhaps I would try to talk to them about it. Just say that it hurts your feelings and you would like to be closer, that you want them to spend more time with your children, etc. I mean your H, or you and your H together, with him doing most or all of the talking.
Then if it continues and you have been open with them about how it makes you feel and that you want it to be different, I would give up to some degree.
First of all, I think you have very high expectations of people who live far away. Yes, 1st birthday parties are important, but your child will not remember them, and your ILS live in FLORIDA!!! And it seems as if your FIL has blown off other trips - not just to you in the past, so that may be just the way they are.
As for their Christmas invitation - - I wouldn't travel for Christmas day b/c it's important for me to have my kids at home (that's me, other people are different). I also wouldn't have my kids "share" grandparents who clearly favor another child. However, there is nothing keeping you from going down the day after Christmas until the New Year, or even starting a new tradition like spending Easter or the kids' spring break with your ILS. In NJ, when your kids are older there is the teacher's conference the first Thursday and Friday of November.
First off, I want to say that I am sorry you and your family have to go through that.
Honestly, I don't think there is anything you can really do. They have pretty much made up their minds. It's really sad that your children have to go through that. I had a similar problem with a grandmother growing up.
They may not see it as a big deal now, but they will figure it out when their grandchildren write them off the same way they have done to you.
If I were you I would ignore them, write them off, for now. At least until they realize what they have been doing and apologize for their actions. Again, I am so sorry you have to go through that. I hope it all works out in the end.
I agree with the other poster that said there seems to be a lot of finger pointing and no one is willing to put forth the effort to resolve it. They might be thinking semdkm is invited here every year, but they always have an excuse while you're thinking they only ever visit BIL. If you want your kids to have a relationship with them, you have to put aside your feelings and try to make it happen.
Are you sure nothing happened when they came and helped out after the birth of your child? That time was a blur for me and I was distracted a lot so I wouldn't doubt if I said something to someone that could have been offending to them.
This post is sad. It seems clear that they favor your BIL and his family. I don't really see how parents could do that, but it is what it is. Now it's up to you to minimize the impact it has on your family.
I wouldn't write them off. If they want to visit? Fine. If they send gifts? Fine. But adjust your expectations of them and stop keeping score. (It's hard not to keep score when it's thrown in your face, but just expect it to be that way and try not to let it bother you). I'd also try to prevent joint visits with your BIL's family. I think the most hurtful thing would be for your kids to see the favoritism up close. Until they're older, they won't notice that grandparents come for a week but don't come to see them, etc.
Politely decline the Christmas invite and move on.
You seem really bitter about the whole thing. If it effects you so much, then why don't you just come out and say what you're thinking to them? The whole situation seems strange to me. My parents and siblings are very similar to your IL's. Half the time they don't bother coming to important events like christenings or graduations, but will fly 1500 miles to see my brother and his family for birthday parties. I've said my piece to them and it doesn't make any difference.
Best piece of advice for this situation. Don't raise your expectations, stop taking it so personally and say what you're feeling to them. If all else fails then ignore them. I have so much less stress in my life from not worrying about the why.
This all seems obvious to you, but it is obvious to them? You keep saying that your ILs "act" lke nothing is wrong, so is there? Your husband asked her about it and she blew up claiming she's being attacked but did you get any explanation about why she spends so little time with you?
I know this is a very tricky subject and I fully agree with those that have said to adjust your expectations and just roll with it. But you are very angry and seething with resentment. I really think you need to clear the air a bit. Smoothing things over with a "no, thanks" for Christmas is not going to resolve this, at least on your side.
I think your husband should really take the opportunity to say that you two have been stung by their behavior and it would be inapprpriate to accept a gift to visit them. That the lack of a visit on their week-long nearby trip and casual resent cancellation has made you very uncomfortable.
You have got to do something to get over this bitterness you have for them. Again, it all seems so obvious and justified to you, but I wonder if your ILs have any idea that you are so angry and resentful. Any at all.