How to deal with a Helicopter Parent (OOT MIL)

mgoss228 · September 2011

Here's Wikipedia's definition:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Helicopter_parent

MIL (who lives on the other side of the country, thank gawd) is a Helicopter Parent. My parents are local and are totally opposite, and have minimal involvement in our lives. So, I'm not used to having someone who has to be so hands-on. DH hasn't lived with his parents for over 10 years, and I'm wondering when and if this will ever end.

My Q's: How can we (DH and I) nicely communicate to MIL that we can handle our own life situations/problems w/o her input and solutions? How have you dealt with Helicopter Parents?

If it matters, DH and I are 26 and 27, but he is her youngest child.

KST_ · September 2011

Luckily I don't have too much of a problem with this, with my 6 parents or so (at last count, lol!). I guess my thought would be, if she isn't TOLD a lot about your life situations/problems, there is much less for her to input on?

amandasw · September 2011

I mean, I think H's mom could probably fit under this category, but it's mostly just saying stuff all the time so I've learned it's best to nod and then vent to H later, lol. I can't really change her and it's pretty harmless, although I worry about when we have kids that she'll be able to actually act on her 'advice' which will really bother me. H is good about saying "no" though when she wants us to do something, so IMO it's your H's responsibility to stand up to her if she's seriously pushing something.

ETA: my ILs are also in another state, so this is really only a 'problem' when we visit them or they come here

mgoss228 · September 2011

KST_:
Luckily I don't have too much of a problem with this, with my 6 parents or so (at last count, lol!). I guess my thought would be, if she isn't TOLD a lot about your life situations/problems, there is much less for her to input on?

We don't tell her things, the problems come from what SHE thinks we need to do (DH enroll in graduate classes, for example) and how we are doing things wrong (need new jobs/higher pay), and then there is the constant questions about future babies.... Huh?

She calls 2-3 times a week and acts like a Spanish Inquisitor with DH. We've talked about not going into details with her, and we've edited our FB accounts and privacy to help, but she still tries to have input on big life decisions.

karimychel · September 2011

The less she knows the less she has to hover over?

(edited for spelling)

KST_ · September 2011

mgoss228:
KST_:
Luckily I don't have too much of a problem with this, with my 6 parents or so (at last count, lol!). I guess my thought would be, if she isn't TOLD a lot about your life situations/problems, there is much less for her to input on?
We don't tell her things, the problems come from what SHE thinks we need to do (DH enroll in graduate classes, for example) and how we are doing things wrong (need new jobs/higher pay), and then there is the constant questions about future babies....
She calls 2-3 times a week and acts like a Spanish Inquisitor with DH. We've talked about not going into details with her, and we've edited our FB accounts and privacy to help, but she still tries to have input on big life decisions.

Ugh, that's tough. I keep getting the baby questions/hints/jabs from several ends and I finally had to tell my mom and make her tell her friend to QUIT! People think they're being chummy/friendly with it but you NEVER know what's going on with other people. For instance, I'm having a related health issue so every time someone prods at me, it makes me feel like sh!t because it throws all my feelings and worries about my health into the forefront again.

Is there any way your H can have a "come to Jesus" conversation with her? That he knows she loves you both and cares, but her constant unasked for "advice" is getting on both your nerves and that he'd like her to step back. You're adults and are living how you want and her 2-3 calls per week are starting to negatively affect the relationship with her? Not everyone can do that though, I understand.

My passive aggressive answer is to only answer her phone call once a week? Huh?

jennlin · September 2011

like pp have said, it's your h's responsibility to deal with her. you can only smile and nod for so long.

merrileekate · September 2011

Ahh, OP, we could be twins. I'm married to a youngest son, and his mom thinks she needs to know everything, and have a say in every decision. Even though it's clearly better to have her in a different corner of the country than down the street, it almost makes her push harder to know what's going on because she feels out of touch. If we don't tell her what's going on, she makes up her own version of what's going on, and tells us how wrong we are.

I tried really hard to foster a healthy relationship with proper boundaries when we first got married. I knew she tended to be invasive and H and I had lots of talks about how to manage that. Unfortunately, she likes to go straight for the daughter in law with the way she is.

They came to visit last year for H's MBA graduation. It was a nightmare. She rode around town saying "oh, you couldn't afford that house, or that house" (we didn't point out a house), she snooped all over my house, she hijacked H's graduation party that I'd planned for months, and acted like they were due all of the credit for H's degree, among all kinds of other antics. In reality, they'd had no involvement in his school process. They haven't been invited back since.

Unfortunately, what it's come down to is that we barely talk to her. I can be polite, interact with her when necessary, talk about mundane stuff like a new recipe or book I read, but she's not invited to be part of anything personal. She wasn't told that my mom spent the summer battling cancer. She won't know we've purchased a new home until we already live in it. When she sends an interrogating email, it goes unanswered. And I'm pretty careful with what goes on facebook.

Sorry, I get worked up and long winded about this! I hope your MIL will be easier to deal with than mine.

picksthemusic · September 2011

Eh, I kind of have one of those for a MIL. But... it's not intrusive. She only gives input when we ask for it (which, I must admit, is sometimes quite a bit because DH LOVES talking to his mom). It's FIL that sticks his nose where it's not wanted that bugs us both. DH would much rather receive advice from his mom than his dad because his dad is so bulldog-ish about everything. It's super annoying.

uwhuskygirl · September 2011

jennlin:
like pp have said, it's your h's responsibility to deal with her. you can only smile and nod for so long.

ditto

How to deal with a Helicopter Parent (OOT MIL)

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