International Nesties
meggers5
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Cultural/racial question-relationships
Obviously many of the ladies on this board are dating/married outside of the race/culture/nationality.
I'm just curious how your parents felt about this. Against it, cool with it, would have preferred if you had married one of your own 'people', but accept your choice?
Are there any struggles you face as a couple because of you different backgrounds and/or cultural beliefs?
I was just browsing the Bump (embarrassing, I know) and this kind of a question came up, so I thought I'd ask.
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Re: Cultural/racial question-relationships
My mother liked to joke that ExH was a terrorist, since he had so much trouble with US immigration. She meant it as a joke, but after 8 years, it really stopped being funny. (It really stopped being funny after about two months, but she never stopped.)
It was a huge problem in my family when DH and I started dating because he isn't Jewish. A bit of a problem on his side (I am literally the only Jewish person his backwoods relatives have met which led to some amusing dialogue) but my family was more of an issue. I had a lot of family members boycott my wedding out of disapproval (they obviously aren't in our lives now and I wouldn't want their bigotry in my life anyway but it still hurt). My parents always said growing up that if I married out of my religion, they wouldn't come to my wedding and wouldn't be a part of my life.
However... after some time had passed (we dated for a while before getting married) and they got to know him, my whole immediate family loves him. They really did change their minds and there are no comments made now... ever. They know I made the right choice and they support us 100%.
BFP Apr 2012, EDD Dec 19 2012 * twin h/b at 6wk, 9wk scan * Baby A lost at 12wks, Baby B was my rainbow born at 36wks
Nope. I think both sets of parents would prefer if we could live in their respective country but other than that nothing major. I mean who wants their kids to grow up and live halfway across the world, no matter who they marry you know? But that's about it.
DH's grandfather did think I was a scientologist but that's just becuase he was old and not used to having a Protestant in the family. I think the fact that I differentiated what denomination I was whereas its typically just Church of England there threw him off. But my mom is a Congregational minister so he heard the term thrown around and somehow it turned into me being a scientologist to him.
This is sort of a stupid answer, but bear with me...
I think the whole cultural thing is so relative, that it's hard to say who gets judged and for what. People w/ prejudices are people with prejudices.
My stupid/long answer:
H and I are both American (at least a couple generations on each side (I'm not proud of these things but, neither one of us is fluent in a language other than English, we both have single citizenship, etc), so in my mind deep cultural identity (other than American) on either side is a bit... attenuated, at best); we're both Caucasian; we're both Catholic; we were both born, raised, and educated on the East Coast (Mass and PA); and for the bonus round-- he grew up with Irish Setters, I grew up with Gordon Setters (and we now have an English Setter, what a compromise). But to bottomline it: he's of Irish and German decent... my family was British, German, Portuguese, and Italian
Many people would say, right, got it, so you guys are pretty darn similar culturally. Yeah (and I'd be right there w/ them).
However, I've had multiple in-law-siders straight-up ask "what are you?" (to which I always reply, "American"-- see previous opinion re: my cultural ties). When they eventually get the spiel, they look confused and ask/wonder how the relationship will be because I'm not "Irish" (again, IMO, neither is my American H). But my absolute favorite is when they start asking "Hispanic" questions-- Portuguese are specifically excluded from various definitions of "hispanic" under US Federal law (not that I'm saying the classification/label matters, it's more the "oh 'they're' all the same attitude that's troubling).
Long way of saying-- I sympathize with the frustrations for couples that really do face no-kidding discrimination and harassment. While my minor annoyance doesn't compare, my point is just, to show how relative/silly the whole "us v. them" thing can get. Short of being my brother
, I think H is pretty darn culturally close to me and yet, others... they feel wonderfully progressive and that they're supporting our "mixed race" marriage. 
My parents were fine with it. They love DH as much as they love me, so it was never an issue.
My IL's wish that DH had married a chinese woman. They're extremely racist and point out that I'm not chinese almost daily. I've started to learn to ignore it.
Our families on either side have been pretty good about it. If they feel any disapproval, they didn't let us know. The only uncomfortable situation I can think of is when my aunt made a comment to DH about how he has "an easier life than us because you're white" (or something to that effect), but I don't think she has anything against our relationship.
One "struggle" is that I can't talk to DH's grandma and DH cannot talk to my grandparents because of none of our grand parents speak English, and DH and I don't speak each other's native languages. We're learning, but slowly. But grandparents live on different continents and we don't see them often, so that's not a major problem.
Both sets of parents prefer we'd married inside our own faith, but we've been together 10 years...so it is kind of a moot point by now. Both sides know there isn't much they can do to change that fact. The comments that are made get under my skin, but I try to ignore them as best I can.
MIL probably will have more in common with my future Jewish/Israeli SILs and treat them better. She doesn't realize she is treating me the exact same way her MIL treated her all those years because she was Sephardic not a European Jew (and she despised her MIL). Oh well, not much I can do about it.
Some ignorant members of my family make a few jokes about out it.my husband's middle eastern ancestory/Judaism from time to time which is quite obnoxious.
My Israel Blog!
I haven't read the other responses, but I think dating outside of your race/culture and outside of your nationality to be 2 totally different things.
If your family is concerned about you dating someone from a foreign country, they might be worried about you moving away and them "losing" you. It's a legitimate concern, I'd say. If your family is concerned about you dating someone outside your race, they can suck it.
This is true. But I did both ;-)
I am so sorry. That is such an awful thing for them to say, regardless of your religion or your H's, even if it turned out they didn't follow through with it.
My parents would prefer that I marry within my religion and race but at this point I think they would take any normal man who treats me like a queen over the white Jewish douchecanoe I married.
Personally, I'm only comfortable dating within my own religion, which generally turns out to be within my own race as well. I'm currently swearing off all Israeli men, as I have been burned too badly by STBXH
How are his teeth? J/K Maybe he just has that smart, bookish look about him? Like a very young Colin Firth?
My parents would have preferred that I marry some Puerto Rican dude, but they knew that wasn't going to happen since I was about 15. Actually, I think they have some racism stemming from how they grew up and prefer that I'm with a "white" guy because in a way I'm marrying up (despite us both being American and well educated and what not). As a bonus, he speaks Spanish (and Italian and Mandarin), so hey! that's just like being Puerto Rican, right?
At the end of the day, they love him because he's nice and, at least for my mom, is a potential harbinger of more grandchildren. My dad has more grandchildren than he can shake a stick at, so he doesn't care too much about that.
ITA. My parents LOVE DH. Even my "no one is good enough for my daughter" father thinks DH is perfect for me. Of course they wish I lived closer, but it's not the man or the relationship they have a problem with.
If I lived nextdoor to them married to a man I went to high school with, and he happened to be black, they would not be cool with it. (I won't defend their attitude, but that's what it is.)
As for my ILs, they probably wish, just a little bit
, I were Danish just so they understood me more (both culturally, and language-wise), but I don't think they really hold it against me, yk?
If either of our parents had a problem with our relationship, they never let us know. H is Muslim and was born in Iran (he grew up in France and Canada), I'm Protestant and my ancestry is French and Irish. His family loves me and we get along very well. I don't think they ever thought he would date or marry a Persian girl, he always liked blonds. I always dated darker guys, so H was not a surprise. The one "white" guy I dated was abusive, he was the only person I dated that my parents ever told me they didn't like.
We are not very religious, so it isn't really an issue. DS is Muslim too, but when he is older I'll take him to church if he wants to go. H isn't comfortable going to a Mosque, but we'd like to find a children's Quran so he will know the stories. M currently attends a Catholic school and most likely will until University.
My parents adore DH and I think they're very happy I chose someone good for me because I have one of those personalities that could go either way. In short, they were worried I'd choose a fixer-upper and are incredibly happy that I ended up with someone like DH.
They don't like that I live so far away, but they definitely don't mind having an excuse to travel to Europe every year.
Yeah, this is pretty much my dad. My mom also love DH to bits (she actually said he could be 'one of us' - whatever that means!), but like Hamilton said, they wish it didn't mean me livign 3000 miles away. FWIW, we have very similar backgrounds, we were just raised in different countries.
Totally agree! In our case, we're both white, have both been raised outside of organised religion and our cultures are pretty similar, which is amplified by the fact we are the exact same age and have a lot of the same references.
Our backgrounds are quite different and though this has never been an issue with my parents and H (to the contrary), I suspect my dad would have looked down at MIL a little with regards to education/interests/intellectual issues if he'd known her.
MIL is really happy H didn't marry someone from back home and often gloats to her friends about coming to Brussels and my speaking French but I'm quite sure she wouldn't have liked it if he was with someone more "exotic"...
The only thing that could have been an issue for me is religion as it is so tied with the way you view things/live your life.
ETA: if people feel strongly about it I mean, not if you're culturally of a certain religion.
Awful is right. If your love has conditions, is it really love? Or just a show?
I'm glad most of your family came around, Pitt. F the rest.
And it's the same with DH and I - we're very similar but were raised on different continents.
I agree! The majority of my cousins who were horrible I don't care about but the major problem person was my mom's brother. My mom has a tiny family so it was just really, really difficult - and still is. Honeslty, regardless of who I married, I wouldn't want a bunch of racists in my life anyway so at least I found it out and can move on :-)
My BF was raised in a similar way to me, but a bit more religious as her dad's a rabbi. Her parents were 1000 times worse than mine and 'still' make comments - 7 years and two adorable babies later. It's really sad.
BFP Apr 2012, EDD Dec 19 2012 * twin h/b at 6wk, 9wk scan * Baby A lost at 12wks, Baby B was my rainbow born at 36wks
My mom said she's always known I'd marry someone non-American since I've always gravitated towards international-types since an early age & have spent a fair amount of time living or traveling abroad. She kind of figured I'd end up with an African guy but DH is Indian. My parents are very open-minded & could themselves be considered a "mixed marriage" (dad's parents are from Brazil, mom's are from Ireland). I grew up in a very diverse school system as well.
As a couple we obviously look very different since he's very dark (Dravidian) & I've got light skin with dark hair. Here (Northeast) we never get looked @ weird but when we lived in Midwest we would get stared @ every so often. I'm a vegetarian & Catholic while DH is a steak-eating Hindu. If/when we have kids we plan on exposing kids to both religions. And so far as people thnking DH married me for a greencard I've never been asked that. He's eligible for US citizenship next year & if the gov't gives us a hard time I have no problem showing them the receipts from the thousands we've spent on infertility tx to prove this is not a marriage of convenience.