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Culture Clash: Wedding Head Table
Background: Mom had a brain injury years ago and has serious problems with big loud crowds. The wedding here will be 82 loud Spaniards and 4 Americans.
Spanish tradition is a big head table with the bride and groom in the middle and their parents seated on each side. It's a long, straight table looking out on the room.
Mom just e-mailed me to say she doesn't want to sit at a head table like that. DH is offended. His parents will think she's out of her mind, and I know MIL WANTS the attention.
What. The. F***. Do. I. Do.
I'm taking some time before I call MIL and/or reply to Mom. I've proposed to DH that we do a round head table but that's "just not tradition" here. I know if we do anything different than the norm, people are going to gossip and complain. (It's one culture shock thing I'll never get over. I can't friggin' stand it.)
HELP!
I'm not thinking properly right now because I'm freaking out.
Re: Culture Clash: Wedding Head Table
How are the rest of the tables set up? Are they separate or attached to the head table (E-, M-shaped, etc.) If they're separate, can you make sure the head table is relatively short and your mum is on/near the end and there are not other tables close by?
If you're going with a shape, make sure none of the other tables join the head table near your mum's seat. Also, have you looked at where the exits are? Any possibility you could seat your mum near an exit so that she can slip out for a break if it gets to be too much? Is it known that your mum suffered that injury (and does she mind if it is known)? Would it make a difference in the gossiping if the guests did know about it?
I'm also a little confused. Wouldn't she rather be at a table looking out at the room, instead of in with the crowd at the other tables? Having the table between her and all the people seems better to me... I think I'm missing something?
2012 Reading Challenge
I think it's the "they're all looking at me" aspect that she doesn't like about sitting at the head table. She was mixed into the crowd at a round table in the States and, other than the noise, she didn't have issues.
Remember, brain aneurysms do funny things to the way people think. I don't understand where she's coming from, especially since she's put me into a real tough situation with MIL. However, I've got to find a solution.
Sorry that you're dealing with this. I would say to make sure she can get up and step out easily during the meal. I'd have your FI explain the situation to your MIL/FIL and explain that you guys aren't trying to go against tradition but just take your mom's medical condition into consideration. Perhaps have a spot for her setup somewhere else also? It could be as simple as a chair in a power room, or placed in a quiet corner so that she could have somewhere to take a break.
Best of luck with figuring it out! I know it must be stressful but I don't think it's at all unreasonable to try and accommodate your mom a bit. My mom cannot drive on the highway after a serious car accident and it's made her come up with some very unusual solutions to situations over the years but it's understandable...
So what if you skip the head table altogether and do a sweetheart table?
Don't you think some of the guests will understand that american customs will be in this wedding because you are an american?
Or a round table, so MIL still gets to sit with you but your Mom can sit with her back to the room if that makes her more comfortable? If your MIL freaks, I'd leave that to DH
2012 Reading Challenge
Yeah, I'm sorry, I say screw it to the Spaniards. This is your MOTHER and she had a BRAIN INJURY. I don't understand why you are so concerned about gossip. Make the tough, adult decision; not the one to placate everyone so they don't talk about you. If they take offense to it, that is their problem. I can't imagine anyone getting so up in arms about people not sitting properly if they know the problem (hell, even if they are just adults and realize you're not from the same culture).
I have to agree with the other ladies - i think my main concern would be accomodating my mother (i mean if she had a brain injury there was at one point the possibility she would not ever be attending your wedding). I would be doing eveything in my power to make sure she is there and feels comfortable.
I would sit future MIL down and explain your mothers brain injury and explain this is not you shunning Spanish traditions this is making sure you mother feels comfortable.
I hope it all goes well for you and your future MIL is understanding.
With Jetur all the way here - health issues trump everything else. Whatever your mom needs in order to feel comfortable at her daughter's wedding, she should have, and the rest can be figured out around that.
BFP Apr 2012, EDD Dec 19 2012 * twin h/b at 6wk, 9wk scan * Baby A lost at 12wks, Baby B was my rainbow born at 36wks
I have to say our head table was 10x calmer than any other table in the room. My parents mostly kept to themselves and spoke with me a little bit, but generally there was not much happening at the head table. And our meal was at least 3 hours as well.
That said, if your mom really doesn't want to sit at the head table I think you should go with what she wants and just explain the situation to the ILs.
Also, would it help if the table was round? I know our head table was actually a large round table.
ETA: Just saw your FI nixed the idea of a round table. No one said it was untraditional or freak out over it at our wedding...actually the place we chose only offered round head tables. I think your FI and ILs need to bend on this one. Sounds like they are kind of just being PITAs for no reason! I can't believe anyone is calling "tradition!" on this one. And yeah, your guests will like seeing something different and probably just assume it's American. Ours did.
She said it better than I.