Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Am I just being an overly sensitive American?
So I have an scenario for everyone...
Last night DH's boss had a few people over for a get to know the new people dinner, 8 couples total, mostly Brits and Aussies, and everybody but one couple has kids, either grown or school age, and we have a baby. Anyway, during the after-dinner drink portion of the evening the men wander off to go do something and the ladies are still at the table talking and drinking, and the bosse's wife starts in on the woman without kids saying she needs to get started having babies, and how since shes not working does that mean they are trying for babies and how Bangladesh is a lovely place for babies and how she should just ask me all about it, as I have a baby and found a nanny and isn't my life just so much easier?
Well I am of the belief that if someone has been married for a few years and don't have kids already it is because either they don't want them, (ever, or just not now), OR they can't have them, either medically, financially, etc. so either way unless they are wearing a t-shirt or passing out a business card that says "childless, ask me why" I am certainly not going to bring it up to them at a dinner party. So...since that is my belief I made a joke saying well I have never had a baby in London (where this woman is from) so I don't know if it would be easier, basically trying to take the focus off this poor woman who is being put on the spot about her baby plans. A couple of other people chimed in at that point, and the conversation veered off.
Anyway, this morning I wake up to an email from the bosses wife asking if everything is okay with the nanny and if I am settling in okay. I write back, tell her, yes it's fine, and she writes back saying "oh well you didn't seem all that excited about having a baby here last night". So I wrote her back saying, no, it's fine, its just that so and so looked a little uncomfortable with the baby conversation. (and she kinda did...but to be fair I don't know the other woman..but I know the bosses wife doesn't either...) So when the bosses wife wrote me back saying I was just being a silly over sensitive American and she was fine I was a little taken back...
SO am I being a silly over-sensitve American? and is it common amoungst British and Aussies to openly ask casual aqaintences about their baby plans?
Re: Am I just being an overly sensitive American?
Well, if you are an overly-sensitive American, then so am I. I think deflecting the conversation away from a topic that you perceived as making another guest uncomfortable was the right thing to do.
BFP Apr 2012, EDD Dec 19 2012 * twin h/b at 6wk, 9wk scan * Baby A lost at 12wks, Baby B was my rainbow born at 36wks
Um, well I hate to say it but yes you are. I used to live in Switzerland (just popped over here to see what happens on this board) and people in other countries are pretty blunt about things. I remember being told how entitled I thought I was because I am an American and how selfish I am because I am an American (by someone who had never met me before). I quickly learned that people in other countries are just way more blunt and seldom keep their opinions to themselves. While living in Europe I spent time in a couple of different countries and just about everyone was like this. I remember accidently using the wrong tense of a word and the waitress corrected me (instead of letting it go, like we do here in the US) rather gruffly.
Long story short, you aren't in Kansas anymore. Time to get used to your new home.
Ummm, hello. I see you adopted these European ways. While I lived in Australia I heard a lot of things that you may just call blunt, but I call racist. There is a difference between asking about things Americans think is too personal (how much money you make, politics, religion, etc.) and making someone uncomfortable and being too much of an as$ to notice or care. It seems like this person was in the latter group. People of all cultures should seek to make people comfortable in social situations such as a work dinner party and I think to lump people into "oh, well your opinion doesn't count because you're a sensitive American" or "well, clearly you get to be a douche because you're European" is stupid and counterproductive.
What's funny is that I think British people are so, so reserved and so, so unlikely to ask personal questions or make personal remarks as compared to the Americans I know. We are asked all sorts of things by checkout people, gas station attendants, random friends of friends of friends whenever we're back in the states but some of our closest friends here never ask us anything personal.
BFP Apr 2012, EDD Dec 19 2012 * twin h/b at 6wk, 9wk scan * Baby A lost at 12wks, Baby B was my rainbow born at 36wks
This is why I really dislike the "oh, you're just [insert nationality here]" and then act as if that explains everything and/or makes being rude OK. People are different everywhere, and you are allowed to be upset or try to change the conversation because you see someone making someone else uncomfortable without having your feelings invalidated because you are just being a [insert nationality here].
Time to get used to your new home? Well aren't you nice. I live in Switzerland too and have never had someone correct my verb use at a restaurant.
I agree this woman was rude. Who cares if you're overly sensitive?
I like your Irish sounding name and am really not trying to be mean, but the post rubbed me the wrong way and led me to wonder... is it possible that you give off some sort of vibe that makes people respond this way to you?
I'm not disagreeing that many people around the world think it's perfectly fine to question/discuss your reproductive choices in public. But that response to the email was pretty b!tchy. If someone told me they thought I'd made someone uncomfortable I'd at least give it some thought and feel bad, not just be dismissive of them and also sorta insult them while I'm at it.
I don't think I could have responded better than Jetur.
I have German friends who do this all.the.time. And it's annoying because, well, some of the things they mention that about something I've seen other Germans do, and some have more to do with my Filipino background than my American one.
Not to mention, I've seen people in the US correct non-native English speaker's grammar. Maybe I see it more since my mom's a non-native speaker.
Plus, these British and Australian women that were at the dinner... they aren't in Kansas anymore either. They are all foreigners in another land.
OP, I think you did the right thing. It could be that these people chimed in because they were thinking along the same lines as you (or not, but just food for thought).
I think she was very rude and you did the right thing.
At the moment, we've been trying for going on seven months and we'll be married for five years at the end of the year. I would have been upset with her comments.
Ironically, or not, depending on your view of the Brits, DH and I get asked our baby plans by people here a lot that we hardly know.
She is being an epic biatch for calling you that. I cannot believe she said that! Fuuk that woman.
No you are not be over sensitive, in fact you were being really nice directing the conversation off the poor woman who was being ambushed about not having children.
And as for the ridiculous response about sucking it up and getting used to your new home - Ignore her! Im British and yes i dont sugarcoat things and yes i am blunt - but that doesnt make me rude. The bosses wife was just plain rude.
You did a really nice thing and im sorry the bosses wife is an *** and wrote you an email.
What a biotch. There was no reason to add the word "American" other than to make it clear that she was massively generalizing. I mean, I don't go around telling my friends "You're such a pretty Canadian!" or "What a funny Australian you are!"
I don't think you were being overly sensitive at all, and I think she was being overly biitchy by a) saying that in the first place and b) implying it was just because you are American. Ugh.
No, I don't think you were being overly sensitive.
Since when does being empathetic have a nationality?
I would have been very uncomfortable for the lady without children. I think the boss' wife was rude and intrusive -- with the childless couple and with you. Your family situation is not any of her business.
I have not been married very long, but I am of an age where if I don't have children soon, it's not really going to happen. But even so, I have never answered those types of questions -- either in the US or here in Australia; nor have I ever asked them.
2012 Reading Challenge
Now Nesting from Chicago, IL My nail blog:
I am willing to adjust to how people are in the new country. Just last week I went to a local tailor who asked me how far along I was, and how much space he needed to make in the dress he was altering for me to accommodate the baby. I am not pregnant.
Instead of loosing my shmidt like I might have done in the US I just calmly explained I have a 6 month old and haven't managed to loose all the weight yet. (Kinda motivated to hit the gym now though, geez) Reason I didn't get offended was because someone warned me ahead of time that the locals can be a bit blunt about a whole range of issues. I was not however expecting that from other westerners. That said since while my experience with brits and aussies is limited I thought I would ask...in case I was infact being overly sensitive.
The issue seems to have blown over, as this is not this other woman's first time saying something completely inappropriate to someone she doesn't know though, and people know to smile, and nod, stay under her radar, and tolerate it because she is the bosses wife.