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I feel like the worst mother
Before I had my son I was an emotional mess due to my dysfunctional past. Life at home was miserable and I was the black sheep of the family. My mother left after she had me so it was my dad and step mom who I lived with. Basically, my dad was verbally abusive, my step mom didn't necessarily like me at first, and I always felt like I was the least favored child of my 3 other siblings.In my opinion, in my heart I carried all the pain and guilt my parents should have felt when they decided to walk away from each other and restart their lives, not bearing in mind how it would affect me and my older sister.
I grew up, left and made a life of my own. I married at 20 and had my son at 21 (I was quite young). There was one problem though. I had an eating disorder that started when I was 15. I was so anxious about starting high school and I hated the way I looked. So the day before school started I puked and that was the beginning of no end for me. My parents didn't know how to handle my bulimia so it was ignored. Then I joined the military to run from my problems at home and I assumed I would stop binging. But I couldn't stop and it continued after I had my son. I finally stopped when he was 5. I consider myself lucky to be alive.
When I look back I can see that I was really hard on myself to the point that I disliked the person I saw in the mirror. Before I developed the eating disorder I saw an ugly dark skinned girl who nobody liked at school. But after I started binging and lost weight. I liked myself better because people commented on how great I looked after losing weight.
Well, due to me hating the way I looked, I shied away from the camera, especially after I gained 50 lbs during my pregnancy. Of course I allowed my husband to take photos of me and my son when he was born. But after hearing comments by my co-workers about how much weight I had gained, how different I looked during the pregnancy I couldn't handle it. They made me feel like I was a beast and they treated me differently. Some of them couldn't even look me in the eye anymore whereas before they could talk to me with ease. Also, they started talking behind my back, questioning whether I could handle being a mother. I don't know but this made me so angry and I really began to hate myself (even more than I had in high school). Unfortunately, the weight stuck on me longer than I anticipated and I had a hard time losing it. So, I went back to the only way I knew how to cope with stress..that is binging.
Now, my son is 6 and aside from the family photos we have of his first year of life, there are only a handful afterwards. Literally, I probably have less that 20 pictures of me and him together from when he turned 1 until now. Before anyone says anything...I know that's really horrible (especially with the ease of being able to use a digital camera). I've taken many photos of just him and some with his dad, but I refused most of the time to have any snapped of me. I don't know, but I had a fear of taking pictures. I should have been thinking about my son, the happiness it would bring him to see pictures of me when he grows up. But I was so disgusted with myself that I thought it be better I not see pictures of myself. When family wanted to take pictures I'd let them take a few but not many; most of the time they caught me off guard. Also, I remember my father being this way. He hated having his photo taken because I think he disliked the way he looked as well. So, maybe I learned to be this way from him I don't know. There's hardly any photos of me and my dad.....just one.
I have recovered from bulimia but I still dislike having my picture taken. I want to change that though. After all, it's just a picture and my son won't judge because I'm his mother. Still, I can't go back and change the past. Do you think it'll be a big deal for him not to see me in many pictures with him as a young child? I see so many mothers on here with photos of them and their children, but for some reason I can't bring myself to do that. For me taking a picture is a big deal and if I'm feeling bad about myself that day (which I do almost everyday) then I get anxious about having my photo taken. Stupid and Selfish of me, I know. But that's how it was in my family. We don't have many pictures of us together, just of me and my siblings individually. My goal for the rest of this year is to pose for a photo at least once a month with my son. I know when people get older photos get old and lost, so is it unusual for adults not to have many childhood photos? In the digital world the photos can last a life time but the printed photos don't. Do you think I'm making a big deal out of nothing and that my son probably won't even care? Is it abnormal to be camera shy and only having a few photos of yourself with your kids?
Re: I feel like the worst mother
You can not go back and change the past, but you can change the future. Do what you are saying you are going to do and start today! Stop worrying about the pictures you dont have and start making some.
Have you gottne professional help for thi issue? Hopefully you did for all the others.
My mom battled with anorexia. I don't have very many pictures of her from when she was younger. I never really paid attention when I was younger and when I was an adult she was more open about her struggles. It makes me a little sad, but I understand it.
Please get some counseling. What hurts me the most is that my mom has still not found the help she needs. She will go through periods of recovery, but they don't last very long. Even when she is not restricting, she still has major self esteem issues. It really bothers me that she still refuses to get her picture taken. Especially with her health being an issue, it makes me sad that my daughter might not have any pictures taken with her grandma. All you can do is start now. Everyone has their issues and that does not make you a bad mom. Get the help you need for yourself and your son. That matters so much more than some pictures.
Not taking photos does not make you a bad mother.
Ditto the comments on seeing a therapist. You seem like you want to do the best thing for you and your family and therapy will be a tool to do so.
great advice.
A. you need counseling...you've had to deal with a lot and it's time for you to get some help with it all vs. doing it all on your own
B. Counseling can incorporate taking photos in to it, like exposure training. I imagine you'll take pictures and process your thoughts about them, and keep on doing that to you are able to feel positively about them.
Definitely go see a counselor to deal with some of the pain from your past. That'll make you a better mother much more than taking pictures with your son. Happy mama = happy home = happy everyone. I made that up, but that's what I tell my DH to keep him in line.
As for the pictures, there's no time like the present. Start taking photos. You don't have to share them with anyone but your son. That way, he has them in the future.
This.
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