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My role as a step-mom??
Hello.. I am new to these boards so I hope I am posting this question on the right one. I was directed here from the knot in regards to better more informative answers to my question..
My FI has a 9 year old son. He and son's mom (I'll call her A for post purposes) had their son right out of high school and were never married. Since day one they have had a verbal agreement as far as custody and child-support. He gives her money every month and they have 50/50 custody. But, again, this is just a verbal agreement.
FI and I just bought a house together and are on a somewhat tight budget right now as it is. I was made aware that if A goes off the deep end and tries to take him to court that FI might have to end up paying back child support. Where do I stand in all of this?? I am not sure how much of my voice should be heard.. I would like for them to maybe have a conversation about possibly having a lawyer create some form of documentation as far as custody and child support..
Please help...
Re: My role as a step-mom??
I think you are working in the right direction. As you and FI are getting married it's important to remember to protect yourselves and your family (including SS) from things like this. FI should approach it in a practical matter with his sons mom that their son is getting older, both parents have moved on, and dad is getting married. Perhaps there should be some legal protections for everyone involved, especially his son. I think it would go over better if this is about protecting SS instead of protecting you and FI. Because honestly, a custody battle at his age is almost unnecesary (depending on your state, they usually just ask which parent the child wants to live with in mine) but worse the emotional aspect of it is what will hurt SS. If he is particularly close to mom and she is upset, or if he is close to dad and feels that mom is trying to take him from dad. Some of this may not at all apply depending on your SS, but it's some ideas to think about.
I work at a high school and the school require legal documentation on shared custody to protect themselves from legal issues concerning child custody. That's another thing that may be easier to discuss with mom-as SS will be in high school soon. My school district actually requires custody papers for all grade levels if there are divorced parents, seperated parents, unmarried parents. I don't know if any of this helps, but these are the ways that I would consider approaching the topic with FI and then SS mom. Leave the back child support out of it-honestly in CA he likely wouldn't have to pay child support at all (if she is employed and they don't have a custody agreement-my old neighbors were like that and the father never had to pay support even when they went to court to make it legal so that he could pick daughter up from school).
I would just say, "FI, I was thinking, it might be a good idea for you and Ex-GF to put together a formal, legal agreement regarding Son. Our marriage is going to bring a whole bunch of new legal aspects into all our lives, and I know you'll agree with me that we should do everything we can to keep Son safe and happy."
Why would he want to avoid drafting a legal agreement with the ex-GF? Does he have an "If it ain't broke then don't fix it" mentality, since their arrangement has apparently gone O.K. so far? If he's reluctant to stir the pot, I might encourage him to at least talk to a lawyer on his own and see how your marriage would legally affect his child and any obligations he has to ex-GF and child support. Even if you say, "I'm not sure what our state's rules are about this, so it couldn't hurt to just talk to a lawyer and see what we should be doing." I wouldn't bring up the thought that ex-GF might go crazy and try to take you guys to the cleaners (especially if she hasn't done it so far), because that may just put your FI on the defensive and it'll be harder for him to agree to it.
If he STILL flat-out refuses to put anything in writing, I would be blunt with him. "We're getting married soon and therefore our lives will be legally joined. I want to do everything I can to protect Son and make him happy. But I also don't want to suddenly become responsible for any unexpected finances between you and ex-GF, and not have any legal protection behind us."
Frankly, I would insist on having some kind of legal protection before you go through with the wedding. Talk to a lawyer on your own if your FI won't do it, and present your FI with the lawyer's recommendations and make it a condition in order to marry him. But if your FI just flat-out refuses to take the necessary steps to protect you, then I'd re-think marrying him. Because there may come a time when you really need him to go to bat for you for something, and he won't do it, and then you'll be in a lot of trouble.
There is a Blended Family board and you should post there as they might be able to offer you more advice. I hope your Fi has documentation or receipts that he has indeed been paying CS. He should start keeping a record if he hasn't in the past. It also does not hurt to talk to a lawyer, this is something you should do before confronting BM.
you do have a right to say something as you will be marrying him and it will have an impact on your finances.
he needs to see an attorney and have a formal agreement written up.
Agreed. There should be no CS if the custody is evenly split. Maybe it's different in her state?
AND TRUST ME. Get it in writing. This is EXACTLY what happened to my husband and his exwife. Because he paid her directly (verbal agreement), she decided that right before our wedding she would file with the state and he is now on a payment plan to pay off 'back support' which he doesn't technically owe.
If nothing else, keep your finances separate. I know that doesn't help as far as having the court take away money from the household income but you can protect yourself. Our finances will remain separate until all CS is paid off.
I agree if DD is living with you guys 50% of the time the X-GF is not really entitled to CS! I do not know what the laws are where you are but here if there is joint custody with 50/50 split there is no child support given to either parent as they pay for the things when they have the child. (other then school costs and such should be split but other then that I don't think she is entitled to any money at all)
I could be wrong, but I believe the law in my state is that the party making more money pays support to make the other party similarly situated, even if custody is split 50/50.
For example, if the father makes 150k a year as a lawyer, and the mother makes 35k a year as a receptionist, the idea is that you don't want the kid living in a huge house with one parent but then living in a 600 sq ft apt with the other. So the father would pay support to the mother so it would be more even. But that could be only applicable in divorce cases, so I'm not sure.
I was in the EXACT same situation. I swear, except my 9 yr old is my DSD. My DH and his ex had a verble custody arrangement and he gave her money every month. I didn't like that the money he gave her was in cash. So I spoke up. I recomended to him to start mailing her either a check or money order so their will be a record of payments just in case. He agreed, and also liked the fact that he wouldn't have to see the ex to give her the payment.
then DH and I also drafted a simple letter stating their arrangement (custody times, holidays and child support), with a place for them both to sign. There was also a line stating that he had paid all child support up-to that date in cash. He brought it up to her in a respectful way, pointing out that it protected HER just as much as us, and she agreed to sign it.
I realize that it may not be a legal doc., but for 4 years it has worked wonderfully and in our state, at least, if worst came to worst, it would hold up in court.
Just my story, hope everything works out!