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Vent/advice
(warning: this is probably going to end up being long)
So last week I posted how, kinda at the last minute, I decided to go look at some wedding dresses with my mom while she was in town. I got engaged in June this year. And I haven't really been able to go look for dresses because my mom was busy all summer with horse shows for my sister (16 years old). Ok, that's fine. I wasn't in a huge rush anyway.
Well, summer is over, and fall is setting in and I am starting to get anxious about finding a dress. I had a few styles in mind that I wanted to try on, and wanted to start at Davids Bridal because I don't have a big dress budget. So I decided last week to just go ahead, just my mom and I, and do a quick look just so that I could get an idea of what I was liking on paper looked good on me/had the look I wanted. All in all, the exercusion went well. Unfortunately, but as expected, it was more of a process of elimination. Everything that I thought I definitely wanted just wasn't working out. But, there was one dress/style that I was really liking at the end of the night.
So the plan all along has been to go dress shopping with my mom, but also to invite my step-mom, FMIL, and FSILs. My parents have been divorced for over 20 years. My mom remarried for 20 years, and my dad remarried for 7 years. My step-mom is a very nice lady, that is very supportive of me and FI. She only had one child, a boy, and then later took care of her niece after her sister died of cancer. As her niece grew up, however, they had some issues with attitude, and ultimately she moved out, got pregnant, and married, all without much involvement of step-mom. I thought that she (and more importantly my dad) would REALLY appreciate it if I invited her to go dress shopping. Like I said, she is just the nicest, and sweetest person, and obviously I care about her.
When I was trying to get a date for the next dress shopping with my mom, she was again all restrictive on what dates she was available because she still has horse stuff going on with my sister, which is aggravating. But anyway, I said "Mom, I just want to give you the head's up that I am going to be inviting "Step-Mom" to go dress shopping." She was quiet, and I knew she didn't like it, so I explained my reasoning to her, and then ended the conversation. I then called my dad and spoke to him first, and mentioned that I planned on inviting step-mom, and he was thrilled (said that step-mom had mentioned that she was really hoping I would invite her). Soooo, I then called step-mom and talked to her about it, and tried to find a date that worked with my mom's schedule.
Skip to last night, where I talk to my mom again, trying to coordinate schedules (plan was after all of this, to then invite FI's family, who I love). Mom says that now she can't commit to the time I'm looking at. And gets huffy about the fact that I said I was looking at that time because it worked for step-mom. She basically started to say how she didn't like that step-mom was being invited, and I cut her off and said "I don't care how you feel about Step-Mom being invited." At that point, she immediately went off and said "fine, then I can just go dress shopping with step-mom and she won't go." And basically I think we hung up on each other.
I am sooooo beyond frustrated. I cannot believe that my mother would do this. This is my second wedding. My mom had me all to herself the first time I went dress shopping. She found the dress, the did the crying, blah blah blah. This time, I would like to invite someone that has been in my life for the last 7 years, and is married to my dad. What is her problem?? Just the other day we had a big family get together with both families and everything went great. It's not like I don't want my mom there. Obviously I do. But I think she is acting selfish and childish. Dress shopping isn't about her. It's about me. And to the extent it is about her, as the mom, she already got to do that whole thing the first time I got married. I realize she may not like it, but why can't she just suck it up?
At this point, now I am completely beside myself as to what to do. Honestly, I feel like just saying "too bad so sad" and just going without her. But what is dress shopping going to be like without her? And what is my alternative, to uninvite step-mom? I can't do that either. I am so frustrated that this family crap is ruining this experience.
Do you think I'm being unreasonable? Insensitive? A total all in out b*tch? What do I do?
Re: Vent/advice
I think you are being completely reasonable. I can understand that she wants to spend these exciting moments with you, but you can't please everyone all the time. Plus, she got to go with you for the first trip you went to try on dresses.
Just go on the date is best for you and the people you want there. If that doesn't work for her, or she's being all passive aggressive about it, then maybe you can take her back to see the dress you decided on later, just the two of you.
Serendipity3, South Beach, Miami, FL 2012
It sounds like you have a good relationship with your mom, I would probably just be honest with her and ask what the problem is especially since they're obviously going to be seeing a lot of each other during the planning and at the wedding. I would just be honest with her and tell her that your step mom is also important to you, she obviously isn't taking the place of your mother but it's importnat to you for her to be a part of it.
When I was trying to coordinate dress shopping with my family/friends it was a mess also, I ended up going alone and finding my dress that day. I took my mom back with me to try it on again but nobody was with me when I originally found it!
I would keep the plans you already have. If your mom can't go and you find the dress, can you just go back with her later for a final try on and then purchase? I don't know if you are going back to Davids, but if you are, they are open all the time. Why can't she find some time in the evening or on a weekend? I would be really frustrated. If it was my mom, I would tell her that this is what you want and it is your day.
Have no worries. You are being completely reasonable. Your mom is being selfish and childish. I swear weddings bring out the C-R-A-Z-Y in perfectly reasonable people.
I agree with a pp that indicates just booking the date that works best for the most schedules of those that you would really like to have there with you.
Not too much different from what pp's had to say...
I don't know how your family dynamic is or how your mom feels about your step-mom, so this could be way off base, but a large family get-together is a little different than a 6-person trip out shopping. She may be acting childish, but you can't force people to like each other. She just may not want to be around your step-mom, for whatever reason.
You seem to have a few people that you'd like to come out to try on dresses, and its likely that not everyone will be able to come at the same time. I would just try to find a date that works for the most number of people and if your mom decides she can't make it, then its her problem.
Like others have said, there's no reason you can't take her back, just the two of you again, if you decide on a dress that day.
You can't please everyone, and you'll drive yourself crazy if you try to.
I agree with Maggie. I think you're being more than accommodating, and your Mom is the one being unreasonable and childish. You've already been waiting and waiting to plan around her schedule as it is, so it's not like she can try to say that you haven't tried to work around her. Considering she's been remarried herself for 20 years, you'd think she wouldn't have any problems with your stepmom, but that's beside the point. I definitely wouldn't be uninviting your stepmom on your Mom's account since she's the one with the problem. I'd simply let your Mom know about the date that you decide on and say "I hope you can make it". If she chooses, not to come, then that's her problem.
Like you said, this is your second wedding.... and while still equally as important, it's not like she didn't get to this with you once before. You're not saying "I'm sorry, It's stepmom's turn and you have to sit out," you're simply trying to include her as well since she is obviously a part of your life as well. I don't see anything wrong with that. Like Maggie said, if you end up deciding on something with Stepmom, then you can always take your Mom back later. Sorry you're going through the drama. Weddings always seem to bring the best out in people.