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fight with h...help me find my empathy
ugh. h is usually docile and doesn't say much, including about his feelings. so i was upset last night and i was talking to him about things in my life and in our relationship that are upsetting me. so he brings up a point and i think about it and say, "you're right." and then he just unloaded about how according to me he is always wrong, and that it's so stressful and he usually just placates me (paraphrasing). (note: i SAID he was right!)
it was a long drawn out monologue but that was the gist. he was really angry and then started crying and left the room. my h never cries.
i am sort of stunned and also angry and bewildered. i know i should be feeling empathy towards him but instead i feel mad that he has never expressed this before. i feel like he is villainizing me when i never asked him to placate me and i can only work with what he tells me. in 13 years you couldn't bring this up? what else is going on in that head of yours?
i went to see him last night after a little while and he basically wasn't interested in talking. i asked him if he wanted to be alone and he said yes. i won't see him until this afternoon.
again i feel like i should be feeling sorry or empathizing with him but i mostly am angry. i don't want to be the bad guy when how can i act any differently when i don't know he's upset? i mean i can't tell you how many times over the years i have asked him to tell me how he feels. and instead he obviously just bottled it up. in a way i feel betrayed for him not being upfront with me.
Re: fight with h...help me find my empathy
I'm sorry you're upset, I would be too, I can understand the feeling of betrayal also. Especially if you've asked him about his feelings and he's never told you anything was wrong.
You probably both just need a little while to get your thoughts together. Maybe this afternoon you can sit down and really talk to one another. Ask him why he hasn't shared his feelings before and let him know it makes you feel betrayed. I don't know your style of communication with one another, but I'd try to be calm and give him time to open up to you.
Sometimes my H has to pull things out of me because I have a tendency to let things bottle up.
This is very well said. I can definitely understsand you feeling that way (and often I think my H does with my because I have a domineering personality and always want my way...who doesn't right?!) and then I say something that triggers him and he gets really upset. Sometimes it's really hard to step out of our feelings and think about our partner's (I know it is for me) but try and also think of his side and maybe he doesn't know how to communicate....are his family communicators or folks who always brush things under the rug? That could have something to do with it. But I agree now that you guys have had the day to think and cool off just maybe have a few things in your head that you want to point out with how you're feeling and ask why he feels he can't....maybe it's just an adjustment on both of your parts for communicating.
GL
I think the girls both said it well. I hope your converstion this afternoon is a positive one and you guys can both feel better about the whole situation.
There are some people who simply can't communicate anything until it hits a boiling point. I'm one of those, and it's not healthy. So, I can see where he's coming from. And I feel for where you're coming from, because I see when I do it to J.
I don't have any real advice, but I hope you can find some way to get the lines of communication open (and when you do, pass me the knowledge)