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Help! Nasty comments at family dinners
We go to my husband's parents house for dinners with all of his siblings and their kids for each b'day. Usually his Aunt tags along with his grandmother. There have been 3 instances where at cake cutting time, she will make a comment and insinuate that I don't eat so I wouldn't want a slice (because I'm thin). Each time I would give her a nasty look and reply that actually I do eat. Now, I'm almost certain she wouldn't go around the table and tell the obese people wait, you shouldn't have any cake because you look like you've had enough. At any rate, the last time was the last straw for me. I'm literally going to give it to her the next time she makes a comment about my weight. She's got ALOT of issues, but I've had it. Is it horrible if I put her in her place?
Re: Help! Nasty comments at family dinners
Funny, there's a ton of support and sympathy for those who are overweight but not too much for skinnies.
YES, I know I'm on the slim side. YES, I didn't take dessert because I am FULL.
Doesn't anyone understand the words, "I've had enough to eat"?
Is she rude? Yes. Is she annoying? Yes. Is it really worth getting pissed off at and "giving it to her"? No.
I'm not saying don't say anything, but there are better, more mature ways, of approaching it than "giving it to her the next time".
You could just quizically look at her and say "why do you say that?". Put her on the spot once or twice, it may shut her up.
I'm thin too, and really... I see comments like this based in jealousy. I'm also tall. (6 feet) I can't tell you the many, many comments I get on that, more so than being thin. Is it annoying? Yes. But.... people see it as a positive and the comments either come out of they are complimenting me, or sometimes out of jealousy.
Sure, if I had my choice, I'd cut a couple inches off my height. But all in all- people (literally and figuratively) look up to people who are tall. I see a lot of the same thing w/ being thin too.
We can sit here and b1tch about how people wouldn't "dare" say the same things to overweight people, but be realistic. You make a stand like that w/ his family? YOu're going to be the one who comes off looking like the a$$hole.
It's like really attractive people who complain about how "hard" it is to be SOOO attractive. People roll their eyes at comments like that.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
EastCoast- I agree somewhat with your rationale, but the point is that I did nothing to deserve a comment like this, repetitively. Jealous, Miserable, whatever she is, somebody needs to tell her that ENOUGH is ENOUGH. I don't want to make a stand with his family, but I need to say something so she leaves me alone. The point is fat or skinny, you DON'T need to make a rude comment about someone's weight, especially with all the baggage she carries.I'm quiet, respectful, and don't provoke it.
I actually just got off the phone with his mom and she agreed that maybe I should shoot a comment right back at her. His mother also had issues with the Aunt, and only holds her tongue now for the grandmother's sake (who will of course defend her daughter (the Aunt).
This would drive me INSANE!!! However, just maybe: think about pulling her aside and saying something to her privately about how her comments routinely insult/ hurt you.She really may not know, and may even consider referring to your skininess semi-complementary..? (even thought done in very snide, rude tones!) If it doesn't stop then, certainly make a family-wide announcement! But just a suggestion to maybe try one-on-one first. Good luck!!
So.... speak up, but do it in a way that isn't "in her face".
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I agree...you should fire back with something
but do you never take dessert, there's something weird about that
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Yes, it's extremely rude to comment on someone's weight - whether they are fat or skinny. But getting in Aunt's face and being rude back will make you look like a giant b!tch, because most people would be quite happy to get "picked on" for being skinny. Yes, the skinny person at the table who is declining dessert is going to make everyone else at the table feel bad/guilty for stuffing their faces; you certainly don't have to change your behavior or eat something that you don't want to eat, but understand why the comment is getting made - people want to feel better about the choice they made, they don't want to feel like gluttons. So you coming back with some obnoxious comment about all of the fat people who shouldn't be eating dessert will hurt and piss everyone off in a way that you can't imagine.
If you have to say something, just shrug and say that you're full. There's really no need to turn this into a battle over who can be more rude and hurtful.
"Don't speak for me."
Would be entirely appropriate without the drama she wants to create.
Ditto. Her husband and son have nothing to do with this. Leave them out of it. If you throw their weight back in her face, you're just as big of a jackass as she is.
"Wow. That's rude. Why would you say such a thing?" is all you need to say. Everytime it comes up. Getting into a tit-for-tat pissing match with her is going to make you look like a tool. Don't do it.
I would just laugh and say, "Geez, Aunt X, why are you so concerned with everyone else's weight?" And then ignore her.
If she keeps it up, I'd do what susiederkins said and just flat-out ask why she'd say something so rude. In a calm but firm voice. Don't start an argument over it, make it more of a statement and then walk away from her.
I'm super thin too. I get stuff like this all the time. Just let it roll off your back. It's not a big deal. Don't snap or retaliate. It's not that big a deal.
But wait....you go to have dinner with his family for EVERY birthday? Yeah, I would never do that.
Why bring her husband and son into this? They are not making the comments, so don't pick on them! I'm actually wondering if her comments on what people are eating actually are part of the reasons behind her son's and h's obesity. She's trying to manipulate what you choose to eat one birthday a month. Imagine living with her 365 days of the year.
I would just say something that makes it sound as if her comments are silly. Like "oh, actually I LOVE cake - and since you noticed I'm looking then, I'll have an EXTRA LARGE slice!"
or "I ran five miles today before the party just so I could have some cake without feeling guilty. Of course I'm going to have cake. And ice cream, too!"
If her personality svcks, then of course you should not take these comments personally. She's rude to everyone.
This is a bad idea because from what I can tell, the aun'ts DH and son have done nothing to you. Why bring them into it in a hurtful way? Taking potshots at innocent people in an attempt to hurt your DH's aunt WILL make you look like an ass. If you are dead set on "correcting" the aunt, at least make sure your comments are directed solely at her.
I'd laugh in her face. "I eat plenty of cake. In fact, I'd planned to have some in a little bit. Why would you say that?" and laugh laugh laugh.
or "You don't know me very well. " laugh laugh laugh.
or "If you think it'll get all eaten up, I'll take some now and save it for later" and scoop up two pieces on a plate, laughing all the while at the mock threat of not being able to have some.
She's being rude; you don't have to be. Bullies like to get the hurt reaction, and that's what you don't want to provide her. And seriously, you can't possibly see so much of this woman that it's worth a fight.
Oh. And don't speculate too long on what she would never say to fat people. I would imagine she's perfectly capable of being rude to them too, which might explain her family disruption. I'm heavy, and my inlaws have taken plenty of shots at me, usually over cake. It's never fun to be someone's target.
Haven't read further than this comment, and I don't know if I'm missing back-history from previous posts about your relationship with her....but, honestly, while her comments rub you the wrong way I'm wondering if it is her intention to be rude or if she thinks that she's in some way flattering/kidding around with you about your weight...as in your so thin I bet you could eat anything type comment. Thin might equate to attractiveness and then equate into being a trait she finds desirable for people? I don't know...usually when I hear comments as you are describing they fall into that category.
You're laying into her as a response I think is/would be nasty, especially if you're come-back thus far has simply been "I do eat".... why not instead of laying it out there, ask her privately what her intentions were when she said such a thing and then let her know that it hurts your feelings and/or embarrasses you and that you'd appreciate it if she would stop.
Honestly, I think in public - should she say something like this again before you are able to have a calm, private adult conversation with her, is to laughingly say exactly what you've said quoted above: "I'm lucky to have a great metabolism." And then tell her not to chintz you on your cake.
I agree with ECB on how to handle.
When she says something like that, you should say, "Why would you say something so hurtful?" (or "offensive" or "untrue")
And then let her dig her own grave. Sometimes it takes a person trying to explain themselves to realize what a jacka$$ they're being.
I use this tactic all the time in real life. Not only is it entertaining, but it's very effective.