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Suck it up and move on or wait for an aplogy?
I normally have a great relationship with my family but a few weeks ago I had a huge blowout with my mom and 2 brothers. My mom is a drama queen and likes to play the victim, I've known this about her since I was little but can usually sidestep it and have it not be a big issue.
My mom made a snide comment about her not having any grandbabies in front of a group of women we regularly see and I got irritated at her and told her to knock it off. We have a long history of infertility issues from her side, her included, and I've told her numerous times previously that when she says things like that it makes me feel a lot of pressure because what if I do have a hard time and that it could be very hurtful if I was having problems and she was saying things like that. Anyways, she got really offended and I guess went home and told all 3 of my brothers how mean I was and that I hate her. I guess she got quite hysterical with the crying as well.
So at different times throughout that weekend 2 of my brothers called/text messaged me and told me what a biitch I was being to our mom. Stop being so mean to our mom. You don't do anything for this family. We all think you're an asss. Just really hurtful things. Towards the end of one conversation I felt so backed into a corner that I ended up saying some really hurtful things to the older brother as well. Things that I really regret now. With the older brother I feel like we've absolutely destroyed our relationship with the awful things we said to each other. I haven't spoken to either of them since then (3 weeks) which is abnormal for us and have had very limited interaction with my mom since I feel it was inappropriate for her to bring my brothers in this. And made it into a huge fight when all it really was was an irritation.
So now I'm stuck. I feel so awful but I'm furious and hurt that they would say those things to me and gang up on me. I don't know where to go with this. Do I wait for an apology or just sweep it under the rug and move on from this?
Re: Suck it up and move on or wait for an aplogy?
I don't think you are ever going to get an apology from them. If you do regret the things you said to your brother then call him and tell him you are sorry. It depends on if you want a relationship with them. Sad to say, but it doesn't look like they are going to make the first move. If you sweep it under the rug then your Mother is going to continue her behavior. In the future you should tell your brothers you will not involve them in any disagreements you and Mom are having and it will not be open for discussion.
I don't know how irritated you got, but even justified, it was probably embarrassing for your mother in front of her friends.
O.k. I have to agree w/ a lot of what Auntie said. esp on the infertility side. As someone who DID deal w/ IF, I really don't like that you're basically playing the IF card when you have absolutely no idea if you'll have problems or not. Yes - this puts you in the drama queen category.
Her constant comments about wanting grandkids? Annoying, yes. Deal w/ THAT in and of itself. Not "it hurts me because I might have problems" (I mean, come on... that's really your approach!?!). Tell her "I'll have kids when I'm ready and not a moment sooner. I'd appreciate it if you'd respect that and stop bringing it up. It makes me uncomfortable.".
past that... you all sound amazingly immature. She brings your brothers into this, then they jump on the bandwagon w/o bothering to talk to you, then you stoop to their level.
Yea- I think everyone needs time to cool off. For at least your older brother, yes, you absolutely owe him an apology. For your mom and other brother.... this is all ultimately up to you. If you sweep it under the rug, $hit like this will probably happen again. But quite honestly, I really have to wonder if any of you are really capable of having a mature, adult conversation about any of this to actually make up and move past it.
For me, I would want to say to both brothers "I really wish you had come and talked to me about what mom told you before you made assumptions.". But again, that needs to come hand in hand w/ a mature conversation w/ them about the entire situation. A conversation that I just really question if any of you are capable of having.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Stop saying this. I agree with others, you're just feeding the monster here. Stop doing it. "Mom, none of that is your business." and leave it at that. Walk away, do not speak to her about it any more. If she continues, "Mom, this topic is not up for discussion."
You're creating equal amounts of drama in this situation.
Misty/cloudy, kind of there one minute and not the next, kind of invisible shades of baby blue, pink, and pale green.
FWIW, your mom shouldn't bring up your planning or not planning to have kids in front of others. And, if it bugs you, simply say that you're not going to discuss your fertility in front of a bunch of people. Then walk away. Both of you were wrong.
True, I don't know I'm going to have issues. She had to have heavy fertility drugs for years to have all of us. As did her sister. Her mom and grandma took years to get pregnant. I've only said that comment recently now that DH and I are going to TTC at the end of the year because it's always in the back of my mind and I do feel pressure. Before that I've told her we're not ready. I really don't mean to be insensitive about infertility, I've seen a small part (because I'm sure it's much more difficult that I could realize) of how upsetting it is which is why I'm worried, only because of my family history. Borrowing trouble? Maybe.
I didn't say knock it off in front of her friends. I told her alone while we were driving home. I agree, I do owe an apology to my brother.
Honestly, I have a brother and he can be an asss where mom is concerned. I like to think siblings can be your greatest allies or worst enemies. And right now-your family seems to be at a stale-mate. Which sucks. I have a drama queen mama too, and when things even start to irritate me with her I let my siblings know my position and get their advice. If things blow up with my mom, my siblings usually stay out of it and support me (not always though-my sister is dead set against me on an issue right now).
You can apologize to your brothers for whatever you said that you regret and while you're there you might as well try to smooth out the ruffles. "While I shouldn't have said those things, I feel like mom has been really harrassing me on this issue and I'm sick of it. I shouldn't have taken it out on you, maybe in the future you could help by just staying out of this issue between mom and I." I don't know, maybe something like that. My own brother has said some awful things and when he wants to apologize he comes over and makes me breakfast-no "I'm sorry, I was wrong", just eggs and keilbasa with fresh OJ. We move on from there.
I would call all of them an explain to them why you want to apologize. Say something like (brothers) " I said some things in the heat of the moment that i would normally never say or think, i am not that person and for that i have to tell you how sorry i am, but in me saying sorry, i am not saying that it is or was okay for you all to bash me into a corner with out even trying to talk to me about the situation or even ask me how i felt about the situation. You know that issues run in our family, and how do you any of you know that i am not trying to have a child and just cant? I will have babies when i want to and until then i expect for you to be supportive of me, as i would be for you. Now with everything that happened with mom, it is between her and i and i will deal with it."
This type of thing has happened in my family. I've called my sister and yelled at her for making my mom sad, then felt like a jack ass about it. Its mom, we get so protective of out mothers, so its sort of understandable but it is not right.
Talk to your mom face to face, and calmly try to discuss what happened and how it hurt you. If she starts getting upset or loud, just say "Mom,obviously this is still a open wound to you, we will talk about it later when you have settled down"
Dont try to fix something when your emotions are running on over drive, usually good intentions go bad.
Good Luck