Family Matters
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
late notice and demanding plans
My cousin-in-law and her son are coming in town next weekend to visit her parents (my aunt and uncle in law). They live 3 hours away. I got an email from my aunt-in-law this morning to tell us about this visit and it said "of course we are expecting you to come." My cousin-in-law comes in town at least once every two months, so it's not like it's been that long since the last time we've seen them. I think it's ridiculous and pushy, but this may just be because this is not how my family functions at all. I would NEVER email a family member and demand that they come visit. What gives? Is this a normal thing?
Re: late notice and demanding plans
I would write back "sorry, we are not available this weekend. Hope you have fun with the cousin and son!"
First of all, I am against (older generation) adult family members controlling the relationships of adult children. Second of all, nobody tells me what I am doing with my time.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Because when she demands, you go! It WORKS for her!
Heck, I would not go this weekend on principle. Just b/c you don't have prior plans doesn't mean you need to go. I'm sure the sky won't fall in if your H doesn't see his cousin.
Or, you can write back "we will make arrangements with cousin directly if there is a time that is good for us," and arrange to meet cousin at a bar or restaurant so that you don't see auntIL.
This.
I agree w/ Suebear. She demands because she knows it works and your actions tell her that she can treat you that way. I would also decline out out of principle.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Because you're still going to see her, even though you think it's rude. Why would she be aware that anything's wrong, in that case?
Plus, have you ever outright said to her that you can't plan around such short notice and that you are offended that she just TELLS you that you're getting together rather than just asking you if you want to meet up? She's not a mind-reader, you know. If someone's behavior is bothering you, you either need to say something or let it go. Not wonder why they don't realize what they're doing is wrong.
And unless she's holding a grudge against you guys if you don't come running whenever she calls you (like if you were to respond that you're busy and she just said, "Oh O.K., maybe next time then!"), I really don't think this is a big deal. If she's harboring resentment against you for not meeting up with her, though, THEN that's when you need to either speak up or just ignore her.
To answer: yes, we have relatives who give us really short notice for family gatherings. At first they would get upset if we had other plans and couldn't make it ... but after a while it stopped. We see them when we can see them, and we decline when we can't. It doesn't mean that we don't love them.
This is all helpful. I'm a verrrry newly wed and don't know how to handle family situations just yet. I'm a very un-confrontational person and don't feel comfortable stepping on people's toes, especially since they don't know me very well yet. They have been doing this kind of pushy stuff to my husband forever, so he's used to it. He didn't even realize it was pushy until I said something. To him it's normal.
Another thing to think about and perhaps keep somewhere in the back of your mind is that some of this might just be a case of perception.
You think they are pushing and rude because she SAYS "we expect you to be there". But she might actually be "saying" in her mind "we'd love to see you and hope you can make it". but it just comes out wrong.
If you already know from experience that yes, they will get pissed if you dont' drop everything and go, o.k., then I'm wrong.
But if you don't know how they'll react - you might be surprised. Their statement of "expectation" could be their bumbling way of saying "we hope you can make it".
People have different ways of communicating and sometimes it just comes across wrong when nothing is really meant by it.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Don't forget that you don't have to handle the plans with his family. Nor do you have to go along with him for visits just because you're married to him.
If they come to you asking why you're not getting together with them, just say, "I'll let you talk to MH about that. Let me pass him the phone!" and then let him deal with them. If you are annoyed that they expect you to drop everything and come meet them, or if you have a free day and you don't want to spend it with them, just say, "Sorry, I have something to do that day and unfortunately can't make it [and maybe throw in, 'I have a really busy schedule sometimes so it helps when I have at least a week's notice for something'.] MH's cell phone number is XYZ, so why don't you give him a call and see if he can make it?"
This is exactly what I thought when reading the OP.
I have family members I love, and if they'd said "of course we expect to see you!" I'd consider it an invitation and not a summons. With other family members, my relationship with them would color my perception and I'd be very put out at having been "commanded" to appear. So IMO, it can go either way based on how you feel about the aunt in question.
If you want to go, go. If not, I see nothing wrong with just politely declining and leaving it at that.
I didnt read all the post so sorry if i am repeating.
I would go but i would sure as hell tell her if she demands anything from me again she will get a big eff you. (in nicer words of course =p)
I recently just learned i had a back bone, so i apologize if i'm all " i am woman hear me roar" at the moment
Good Luck
How exactly is she saying that she wants you to come? Is she saying it sweetly, or is she saying it a tone that says, "You'd better fucckiing be there or else you're in for it"?
I mean, I tell friends all the time, "We have to get together!" and things like that, but it's not like I'm demanding that they visit with me.
The way I typed it was exactly the way she typed it. "of course I expect you all to be there."
Implying "you are a horrible family member if you are not there."
I honestly think she means well, she just comes off as extremely abrasive. This isn't the first time this has happened. She threw me a wedding shower, which was extremely generous, but she didn't ask me if I wanted another shower OR when I was available to have a shower, she just sent out an invitation to everyone! Didn't even ask me if I was free that weekend! Just did it because it was convenient for her.
I know she means well, I'm not trying to bash her character. I've talked to my sister-in-law about this (husband's brother's wife) since she's been in the family longer, and she just said that's how she is. She got used to it and didn't take it personally. I don't know if this is something I just need to get used to or something I need to address.
Are you sure that it was intended this way? Tone and intention doesn't always come across well over texts/e-mails. Has she done the "horrible family memberif you are not there" thing in the past, or are you just guessing that this is what she means?
I also don't see a huge deal with this. Especially if, in her circle, the shower is supposed to be a surprise. My mom hosted my shower and simply told me that there was a church-related event that day and she'd like it if I came, and I agreed without further question because I suspected that it was a shower for me (and I asked MH to confirm it for me because Mom had told him about the plans). She never asked if I was free.
And if your aunt views showers as a surprise, and as a gift to the bride, then from that POV it's really not your place to say whether you should get one or when it should be. I agree that it's considerate to ask the bride for her availability (and smart - you don't want to schedule it for a day when she's busy!), but I don't think this was a huge faux pas on her part.
But I get why it comes across that way if she's always used to setting the plans and then barking out orders. So just show up if you're available, and don't feel bad for declining if you'd rather not attend something. She can either deal with it or mope, but either way it's not your problem.
Deciding what she implied is on YOU. That is totally in your own head. She just put out an expectation - which runs the obvious risk of disapointment.
Don't make it more than it is, an abrasive invitation. The part of judegment about how you are awful or not good family is purely your imagination. And if a bit of it is truth - then shame on her for the guilt trip. Please! You have a life and other obligations without her.
I thought the same way.
for my family no it's not normal. if you cant go (or just dont want to now-I wouldnt blame you for that) a simple 'hi i'm sorry but we have plans for that weekend already. hope to see you next time'.
You are WAY overreading "tone" here. This is the problem w/ the written word - you just don't know tone. But - that being said, you said taht she's just abrasive - this is just "how she is".
So... roll w/ it. You said twice "she means well". If so, then focus on that and stop trying to find meaning to what she's saying that I really dont' think is there.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10