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Family emergency - advise needed
DH's grandmother has been living in a home for the past 5 years and her health has been detoriating rapidly for the past few months. Apparently she had a fever last night and has since slipped into a coma.
MIL (who usually takes care of all these matters) and FIL are in the middle of a month-long cruise across the Pacific Ocean. The nursery home called DH's uncle last night and he went down there, but he didn't tell us and we only found out early this afternoon when one of DH's cousins texted him to ask why we haven't come down to visit - apparently most of her family friends were notified and have gone down to the home. DH was and is very upset that his uncle didn't notify us. By ways of background, we generally visit her every Sunday.
We've already called the cruise line and they have placed an urgent message to the ship to track MIL and FIL down.
DH is pretty upset (this is the only grandparent he has ever known) and wants to stay at the nursery home all day, as he is now concerned that his uncle won't tell us if something happens. I think he may be over-reacting a little. We went down there as soon as the cousin told us what was going on, DH is still there and I'm going to visit after work today, and plan to make a few visits a day. Do you think I should go more often and/or gently tell DH that him staying there all day probably isn't necessary? Or should I just keep my mouth shut for now and see how it goes?
And sorry in advance if I sound ignorant. I've been blessed with family members who all have excellent health, so I haven't even set foot in a hospital before, so am really not sure what the right thing to do is in situations like these.
Re: Family emergency - advise needed
I would just support your DH in any way he needs. If he wants to stay there all day, that is okay. I doubt the reason he is staying is only because he is worried the uncle won't call. He is upset about his grandmother, and it is also increased by the fact his parents are away.
I am sorry you are going through this.
If he wants to be there everyday, do everything you can to accommodate him. Make him a lunch to take, or put a pillow & book in a bag for him to take.
Since you've never had to experience something like this before, it's natural to be a little confused about how to handle this situation.
When my MIL was sick, my DH was at the hospital/hospice care every day for almost 4 months because it's what he felt like he needed to do.
Be super sweet to him and be there for him, he will appreciate more than he can ever say.
You should support him in any way he needs it. Go visit, but also be the one to step up and take control of running your own household. In other words, if DH is the one who mows the lawn, you do it. If he does the grocery shopping, you're on. You are on double duty for household chores and that can be very helpful for him. He's already feeling the stress of a sick grandmother and being the family representative in his parents' absence. He doesn't need to feel the stress of running the house as well.
Bring him some things to keep him comfortable and be sure to check in with him about what he may need.
No one minds a few typos but it's 'advice' needed, not advise needed; and 'nursing' home, not nursery home.
If your DH does not communicate well with his uncle, then he can set-up a contact with the nursing home. I'm sure they are prepared to give family members updates. Someone like an aide, a floor nurse or an administrator. The home is equip to handle communication with the family.
I suggest you talk with the administrators at the home and find-up what communication they have in place, use it while at work or not able to visit and encourage your DH to improve communication with his uncle.
Are there matters that DH is neglecting that you could cover? I'd be conserned about jobs or school or whatever else he's missing.
All of this.
My grandfather passed away of cancer in February and was very sick for the 3 weeks leading up to that. I litterally spent every night on the phone for hours with my parents (grandpa was staying with them with hospice in GA and we live in PA). I just couldn't bring myself to go out and be with friends or talk to anyone outside of a few friends and my family. When I felt the need to go say goodbye, DH stayed here and held down the fort allowing me to go spend 5 days with grandpa one last time before he was gone. I only made it through that difficult time because I had a wonderful DH who let me handle it the way I needed to. If your DH needs to spend every day at the hospital being with his family, nothing will mean more to him than knowing that you are home holding down the fort, taking the stress off of him to allow him to do that.
I agree if that is what he needs, support him
but also ask the nursing home who is on the emergency contact list and ask to be added to it and called.
Gretchen Evie, born 7/8/2012 at 35w5d
If this is what he wants to do, then keep your mouth shut and support him.
However, if him staying at the nursing home all day would risk him losing his job or something like that, then I would gently speak to him. Not to discourage him from visiting, but offer to help him work out a schedule where he can take care of his responsibilities and then make his visits. Maybe offer to take shifts with him so that you can call him if something drastic happens.
I'm sorry you guys are going through this.
I would support him in every way. If he wants to stay there all day, let him--he probably would not be good for working today anyway.
When my aunt was in hospice, everyone went to work during the day but came over after work to sit with her and talk to her. My uncle (the lone retired person at the time) had day duty, he sat with her during the day and read to her. It helped him and it helped her.
why is staying there all day not ok iwth you? if he wants to stay all day let him. it's his choice. it's not for you to say it's not necessary or it is.
also-i understand his concern and would ask the people at the home if they can contact you if anything changes.
Thanks everyone! Having the nursing home add us to the emergency contact list is a great idea - can't believe I didn't think of that.
I appreciate all the advice. Like I mentioned, I haven't gone through this myself so I don't know how to react a lot of times. We got a hold of MIL and FIL yesterday via the cruise line, but MIL told us that they won't be coming back early (it'll be 2 weeks until they are scheduled to finish the cruise). DH asked me what I thought about that, and I kind of just went "umm...well...um...I suppose everyone can make their own decisions"; and he kind of just stared at me. We didn't talk about it any further as we were both exhausted; and I'm kind of dreading having that come up again.