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I Want Your Thoughts (Long)
Disclaimer: I may DD this later...we'll see.
I've debated about even bringing this up but I'm going to bite the bullet and get your thoughts.
Last night T said to me he was feeling "off". I asked him to describe it and he said he couldn't his body just felt "off". Earlier he said he had a headache which seems to be an ongoing thing for him. He gets headaches all the time anymore, not debilitating but annoying. He's also been really lethargic and he'll even say he has absolutely no motivation to get going in the morning. He used to wake up and work out in the mornings but hasn't done so in weeks. I also feel like I need to remind him to play with Sophia after dinner or else they wouldn't have any fun time together. I don't consider holding her on his lap while he watches TV or plays on the computer as fun time. He can do those things after she's in bed.
I said to him last night I think he should see our family doctor and talk to him about his lethargy and lack of motivation. I flat out asked him if he was depressed and said he couldn't see any reason why he would be depressed. I said I thought something may be wrong physically maybe diabetes...I even joked maybe it was low testosterone which he said the thought had crossed his mind.
Round and round we went about him going to see our doctor. I said to him every time he gets sick and I harass him to go to the doctor when he finally goes the doctor agrees with me that he should have come in earlier. I finally dropped the topic but said to him if his mood and energy levels don't change in a month that I wanted him to go to the doctor. He sort of brushed it off and we left it at that. I can see him faking it for a while just to appease me which is not what I want. I want him to address any issue he may have, physical or emotional.
I know we just had a baby but she sleeps through the night (occasionally waking up for a few minutes because she needs us to put the pacifier back in her mouth) and in all honesty I do the majority of her care so I can't understand how stressed he could be with taking care of her. He doesn't get home until after 6 so he just needs to play with her and give her a bath. She's in bed by 8.
So after reading that novel, what do you think? Any ideas how I can convince him to see the doctor? I think I can speak for both of us when I say we feel like we can confide in our doctor about anything so it's not like we have a judgmental jerk for a doctor.
Re: I Want Your Thoughts (Long)
There is and I even said that to him last night which is kind of ironic because he was incredibly worried that I would end up with PPD and not know how to help me.
That is ironic. And now he needs help and won't seek it. I feel for you, my DH is a butthead about going to see the dr. when he should as well.
If you asked Mr. Sookie about this, he'd say T sounded like I did ~2 years ago after a bunch of changes had happened in our lives and I started pulling back and just wanting to not do anything for a while. He finally convinced me to see my PCM, and the PCM said I had anxiety issues from not dealing with things changing in our lives. Anxiety and depression manifest in different ways, and for me I just because quiet and pulled back. I was prescribed some meds (very low dose) and given a referral to a therapist to learn coping techniques.
I wasn't thrilled about the idea of seeing someone about it because it felt dumb (no offense Jilly!) I was SO glad I went though because honestly, in a few sessions I felt SO MUCH BETTER. I didn't even realize what was going on with me until I had seen someone and changes were made.
I know it stinks, and it's hard to tell him to just go, but if nothing else at least you'll have peace of mind knowing whether it's just he's tired and stressed but doesn't want to put it on you, or if it's something different.
I do agree with you that he really needs to see a doctor. It might be something just really simple and a quick easy fix. I think that since his activity level has changed a lot I would be a little worried.
How would he feel if you just made the appointment for him and then told him how really worried you are? Express concern that since you both have a new baby it is really important that he is healthy. I mean I would hate to play the "baby card" but maybe he would see the importance of being heathly and active for her?
My boss was feeling the same and went to the doc and he has low testosterone levels and they gave him a cream to rub on every day and that has made a world of difference. He used to fall asleep at his desk.
Good luck!
I'd start with a call to Military One Source to see what a counselor suggests. Is the reality of having a baby different than what he expected? Are you still setting aside specific couple time? Is he feeling overwhelmed by the added responsibility of bringing home the bacon for a kid?
Could it be a seasonal thing?
I may give MOS a call...I threw that suggestion out to him last night. I gave him the same speech we give to people on here about confidentiality.
I'm not really sure what he expected when she finally showed up. He keeps saying how relieved he is that she sleeps through the night and is just a generally happy and easy baby to take care of. He may feel a bit of stress about providing financially for another person but we both work and have very little debt so it's not like he's suddenly shouldering this massive burden all of the sudden. I have no expectation to leave my full time job and have him be the sole provider.
I know he bonded with her later than I did but I attribute that to me breast feeding and her just being a newborn and not really interacting until the past month and a half or so. Now he when he does play with her he amazed at what she can do and is constantly trying to get her to laugh or smile.
It's definitely not a seasonal thing...this has been getting increasingly worst over the summer.
I don't know if it's gotten to the point yet that I need to take drastic control of the situation. I think it would make him mad. I did just bring it up to him last night so I think it's only fair to give him time to process what I said and make his own decision. I did say I would gladly go with him and we could talk together and that I would make arrangements for someone to watch the baby for us.
Oh ok. I must have misread. I thought that was an on going convo. Sorry.
I think it is great that you offered to go with him and have someone watch the baby. Perhaps that way after the appointment you both can go to lunch and have some time to spend with each other without the baby.
I don't know who said it but maybe it is a lot of the changes that are going on. I know I can get a little out of sorts if there are too many changes.
lol, no worries, story of my life!
Sounds like you have already gotten a lot of great suggestions, and you are being very proactive about your concerns. I would just keep the lines of communication open with him and keep expressing concern in a caring non judgmental way (which sounds like you are doing). Maybe offer to go to the Dr or therapist with him, which might make it feel less intimidating...? I like the idea of starting with the doctor first to rule out any medical issues. Those symptoms could be medical/ physical or psychosomatic and it would probably be easier to rule out some medical reasons first.
ETA: I see you already offered to take him, oops
I changed my name
It sounds like a post partum type of depression. I don't know if that's technically possible in men but my husband definitely went through a "Oh my god our lives will never be the same" sort of freak out. And we both had a hard time adjusting to our new life...wake up, change baby, feed baby, play with baby, put baby to sleep repeat over and over and over again. It got better for us both with time but if it's affecting everyday life he needs to see a doctor, which you obviously already know
I wish I had suggestions on how to get him there. Mine is the exact same way, he pretty much refuses to see any type of doctor unless he's dying. Good luck! If that is whats wrong, I'm pretty sure this is a fairly normal type of thing to go through as new parents.